Science of verk

This is a continuation of my uncle’s diary from here.

The tremendous success of verk and oververk is reverberating through the Ministry of Everything, so it came as a great surprise when the program was suddenly put on hold.  The culprit turned out to be a government-wide initiative know as:

Work-Life Balance

In a nutshell, WLB is a program which recognizes that an individual may do other things than work, and that this calls for some balance. WLB's main contributions are counseling sessions where comrades can discuss their troubles. Given that these opportunities were already available
to cavemen once  they learned how to build a fire and serve warm food, this is not much. Yet comrades are happy that WLB recognizes them as individuals, and for a rather naughty departure from orthodox marxism.

With verk and oververk quickly becoming a default way of getting things done, an update to WLB was needed and the labor union stepped in. Verk-Life Balance and Oververk-Life Balance had to be addressed in a serious and professional manner, even if most comrades were laughing
off any concern that there might be something unfair about these programs. The Ministry of Everything decided to employ cutting edge scientific methods in crafting these policies, and two committees were formed to deal with the issue. Here are the reports.

Logic model (executive summary)

At the outset we analyzed the concept of verk and understood it to be a mixture of work and other things. As the best approximation we assumed that these other things represent Life. Consequently, verk  is actually the embodiment of Work-Life Balance, and oververk embodies Verk-Life Balance. Over-oververk fullfils Oververk-Life Balance and so on through an infinite chain of labor practices and family-friendly policies. As long as the employee moves forward along this chain, he or she fulfills contractual obligations and is in compliance with the policies.

Quantum model (executive summary)

Work and Life, and potentially other things  are pure states in the quantum mechanical sense. On the other hand, Verk and Oververk are mixed states, and as such they  require a quantum version of Work-Life Balance. While Work-Life Balance is only an approximation of its quantum version, it is 5-sigma accurate  given the  mass of a typical employee. Furthermore, the amount of verk required to understand quantum version of WLB may be prohibitive, and purely conjecturally, actual work might be required as well.
Consequently, at the moment there is no need for a quantized version of WLB.

I can't say that these reports were well-received by the comrades, even though the recommendation was favorable.  The Logic Model was widely regarded as the work of an idiot, and the idea of using infinity to hide any semblance of common sense was viewed as deplorable. Some comrades were commenting that this is why we have a Botany Unit rather than a Logic Unit. The Party response was more muted and the memo included the phrase  “curse of dimensionality,” a term that scientists use when they are requested to build a spaceship using paper and scissors.

Quantum model also had its share of problems because committee members wanted to support the report with data. According to the theory, a mixed state, when observed, collapses to a pure state, and the committee got into a habit of watching verking comrades to document this phenomenon.  Somewhat surprisingly, as long as verkers were unaware, there was not much change. However, once they realized that they are being observed they would collapse into a state of prolonged verbal abuse. This marked the discovery of the third pure state that is neither Work nor Life, but in hindsight it was not worth the effort. “Quite different from electrons,“ commented a comrade serving on the committee and eating lunch alone in our canteen.

While these events were taking place, comrades were anxiously awaiting the chance to resume verk. The interruption, which was meant to help everybody, resulted in the possibility that, for the first time in a decade,  the Botany Unit might not make its performance quotas mandated by the Party.   It was the last moment to abandon dubious science and take matters into our hands. In the midst  of these proceedings the first signs of discontent started showing up. One day a big poster saying “We want verk!” greeted us by the entrance and soon the Ministry was embroiled in the controversy. Comrades started chanting “Verk and vine” at meetings,  and  greet each other by saying “Verkers of the world unite!” Older comrades felt like  they were back in times of revolution and class struggle. What a nonsense! Enough is enough!

Just before things got out of hand, the Party announced resumption of verk, and the doubling of the hourly quota.  This was greeted with thunderous applause and within minutes the Ministry’s building was nearly empty as everybody rushed to verk.

Continued here.

Collateral benefit

This is a transcript of a recent presentation at a secret Fortune 500 meeting (courtesy of Edmund Slowdown).

————————

There is a great deal of anxiety about the Heartbleed bug  (explained here) that, for the past two years, made 30% of the internet servers vulnerable.
A single line of code that is responsible for giving unwanted access to the server’s memory was introduced by a German Ph.D. student working on the program. It appears that it was a simple human error missed by all of the three unpaid volunteers that developed this particular software, and millions of users who opted out of examining the code. The introduction of the bug was also quietly applauded by our friends who make a living by snooping around (laughter). Nonetheless the rumor that these days the student drives a red-hot Ferrari with license plate THXNSA are largely exaggerated, it is only a used 1999 Kia with a license plate that says OOOPS.

(laughter followed by a thoughtful pause)

The public is asking how can it be that the internet security is entrusted to software that undergoes so little scrutiny? And why so many of us, Fortune 500 companies, use it anyway? And how come there are no resources to audit it and iron out the bugs?

Well, the allure of using somebody’s hard work for free is very strong and one should never look a gift horse in the mouth (a loud yiihaa is heard from Mr. Bezos).
But seriously, we will have to address these questions in due time but for now let's try to formulate our own perspective. This whole issue is connected to:

The law of unintended consequences

(the title flashes on the screen and the presentation begins in earnest) 

Regarding the most noticeable outcome, unintended consequences fall into two basic categories: collateral damage and collateral benefit.

Collateral damage is fairly well understood. In case of the Heartbleed it consists of non-functioning websites, weak security, stolen passwords and identities, and general misery of users affected by issues beyond their control. Over the years we prepared the society to accept collateral damage in case of wars, climate change and, as in this case, poorly written software. Consequently, today nobody looses sleep about it anymore and it is understood that often someone gets the raw deal.

(vigorous nodding in the audience)

So let us discuss the other topic because this is where we may be at odds with the remaining 99% of the society.

(room goes quiet and the lights go dim)

In a nutshell, collateral benefit is a silent assassin of economic growth, unpredictable and the least understood.

(words flash on the screen with "assassin" and "unpredictable" pulsating ominously) 

Collateral benefit occurs when our actions might be beneficial to society as a whole but not necessarily to us.

(the word "us" slowly balloons to mega-font size and eventually covers up the rest of the sentence, a pregnant pause follows)

Debugging software that everybody uses is certainly a good thing for most people but I do not see Mr. Ellison providing this service for Mr. Page ("It would be ok Larry" one can hear Mr. Page say, "screw you Larry" Mr. Ellison responds). In other words, how do I know that my competitor will not come up as a real winner as a result of it? Or worse, that this will not awaken some sleeping giant and my company will end up like Enron?

(heads are nervously turning around as a ghost of Ken Lay is seen floating in space)

Take research in financial mathematics; it may be beneficial for the society to understand better what is going on in financial markets. But is it better for Chase? Almost certainly not! I am more likely to be eaten by sharks than to become one.

(I am a shark! roars Mr. Dimon clearly offended by this example and the room quiets in anticipation of the storm of accusations)

The main source of collateral benefit is research and innovation, and the worst and most unpredictable kind is the basic science - aimless foraging of a curious mind.

Collateral benefit is a tidal wave that sinks too many boats!

(speaker's voice reaches crescendo at this point and the screen shows a cartoon depicting Einstein surfing a gigantic wave descending on the tiny fishing vessels with logos of Google, Amazon, Oracle and so forth)

We need to fight the plague of collateral benefit and protect ourselves against it! We need to end playing Russian roulette with the economy and stop aiding foreign competitors!

(the speaker's voice raises and he hammers each sentence like a nail into the coffin of basic science) 

We propose to use our collective might to clamp down on science and develop initiatives that will channel it in the direction of a safe and pointless inquiry!

(the slide shows the webpage of a leading funding agency littered with incomprehensible acronyms and solicitations)

We have been preparing to mothball the educational system for decades, and our nearly bankrupt university system will soon collapse under the weight of its own administration!

(on the screen one sees a gravestone saying “RIP Harvard: born: 1636, dead: not soon enough")

Our people are fully deployed and we are poised to finally put the economy on a sure footing of predictable and incremental progress!

(thunderous and long applause after which guests retreat for the banquet)

Ministry of Everything - news from the deciders

This is a continuation of my uncle's diary from here.

Just a few days ago we had a big meeting involving the leaders of the
Ministry and comrades from the Central Committee. Here is a brief
report on the key items:

Nom de plume

For decades employees of the Ministry of Everything  were signing all
documents with their last, followed by their first name. Not a
particularly inflammatory choice, but out of nowhere the Transparency
Office declared that the order is to be changed "effective
immediately."  Apparently "there are reasons" for the change, because
the first name is "easier" and "better to start with." It would all be
straightforward if not for the fact that the fine print accompanying
the order specified that some of the first names are "not simple
enough." Indeed, among our new employees some have rather exotic
names. This includes two male comrades with first names Koscibor and
Zubrzydar, and well as female comrades Kocilapcia and Darmozjada. The
instructions indicated that we ought to change these names temporarily
to Jan and Maria respectively. Kocilapcia was agreeable but Zubrzydar
claimed that the name is his own and not subject to change. Some
comrades were sympathetic but others felt that the concept at the
heart of the issue is to adopt a properly sounding nom de plume such
as Lenin or Stalin, rather than to cling to what overexcited parents
concocted decades earlier. This quickly squelched the discussion and
these days Jan and Maria account for half of our colleagues' names.

Children of the corn

As I described a long time ago, beets, potatoes and corn represent the
central focus of the Botany Unit. There is a great deal of synergy and
healthy rivalry between comrades dealing with these crops, but
occasionally some conflicts arise.
As hinted here and reported there, the Corn people got preoccupied
with the idea of adding the word "Corn" to the name of the Botany
Unit. It was a contentious and complicated issue and the Central
Committee mulled over it for a long time. The final decision was to
keep the old name  but to  request a detailed report on the role and
presence of corn in society. The point was to validate the main
claim of Corn people that corn is everywhere, that society is infused
with corn thinking and corn mentality, and that ultimately corn-based
farming will defeat capitalist pigs. A very distinguished committee
was appointed and the search for  children of  the corn commenced.
Optimists were hoping to connect with vast and distant communities
and generate synergy akin to being united with the ten lost tribes of
Israel. Pessimists anticipated homunculi and miscreants languishing in
hard-to-foresee locations, and children of the corn, as the legends
have it,  being corn worshippers of the worst order, hostile and
vengeful creatures dabbing in beet and potato sacrifice. The report
did not side with any of these views and frankly,  the finding
represented well known grievances of the corn community. The comrade
presenting the report, a friendly and eloquent chap,  began with some
brief coverage of the generalities and then delivered the only
recommendation regarding corn: "more human consumption." "From the
cradle to the grave," he added pointedly. In the brief pause after this
pronouncement,  a senior comrade chairing the Ministry committee was
overheard saying "Do they seriously want us to eat all this stuff?"
and this remark uncorked another bottle of anti-botanical sentiment.
Lively discussion ensued, led by meat and gravy lovers, another
phantasy entertained by our Ministry, but luckily we soon moved to
another topic that stirred up a lot of emotions --

Missing toilet paper

Lavatories of the Ministry of Everything are supplied with government-provided toilet paper. A mere pleasantry but much appreciated.  As a
result of battling capitalists, there is a general shortage of just
about everything and it has been noticed that toilet paper
disappears at an accelerated rate. In fact some wanton wreckers leave
small squares hanging on the doorknobs to demonstrate their
anti-social tendencies. Consequently, some comrades took to writing on
the walls of the stalls to express their frustration. During the discussion
the following options emerged:

1. remove the stall walls,
2. provide individual rations of toilet paper,
3. seize and punish toilet paper wreckers,
4. bring your own toilet paper.

The last option was quickly eliminated, even though that is what
everybody is doing anyway. Writing on the stall's walls was recognized
as a problem but some comrades noted that it is not the lack of the
toilet paper that they are writing about! (although I heard
someone mumbling that the choice of medium might not be unrelated). I
glanced at the comrade who proposed removing the stalls' walls
altogether and got a strong sense that this is  quite a pervy solution
and squatting next to him is asking for trouble. Others thought
likewise and the idea was abandoned as well. Consequently, we were
left with catching and punishing the wreckers. A perfect choice!  It
is unlikely that anybody will be ever caught but the educational value
of developing cunning, stealth and arts of evasion will be a lifetime
lesson for many. Suddenly the Party's infinite wisdom pierced the fog
shrouding my mind and I felt that a bright future lies ahead.

Continued here.

News from the Ministry of Everything

This is a continuation of my uncle diary from here.

The spring is coming and Ministry of Everything is  active as a beehive. Here is a sampling of the  latest developments.

Oververk

I have described the concept of verk here and, what can I say,
it took the Ministry of Everything by the storm. It boosted morale and
productivity and gave a glimpse of untapped potential. More
changes were coming at a rapid pace, and the newest Party directive
finally equates verk with work, and more importantly creates
incentives for oververk. What is oververk?  Well, it is a truly
transformational phenomenon that captures the concept of overtime -
when a comrade works beyond his or her tour of duty, and simul-verk --
when a comrade does several  things at the same time. Simul-verk is
adding a much sought after multiplier when one hour of simul-verk
counts as two or possibly more hours of plain verk. Unlike
simul-verk,  for some reason, simul-work is somewhat controversial and
while many comrades try to develop the necessary skills for it, others take
ritalin to medicate themselves against it. One theory posits that
simul-work is aggressively suppressed  in early childhood because
intimidated teachers cannot keep up with simul-working children.

Within weeks of the introduction of oververk  a new breed of employee
emerged, a Constant. This is a comrade who verks constantly for  24
hours a day. Double Constants soon followed, and a Triple Constant was
rumored to make a brief and ghostly appearance in the Ministry.

A tremendous amount of wealth is created by verk and oververk and the
Party in its wisdom allowed employees to donate all of their
additional pay back to the Ministry of Everything. Since verk is a
reward in itself, all readily agreed and the sagging budget of the
Ministry was propped up by this windfall. It is expected that the future
growth of Ministry of Everything will be financed entirely by the oververk
of its employees and the embarrassing drag on societal resources
will slowly diminish.

Demise of Belphegor

Our beloved Party keeps good track of comrades' work habits and
until last year it was in the hands of a comrade who everybody
called Belphegor, after a  demon who helps people make discoveries.
Belphegor sat at the entrance to our building, mostly dozing, and
thanks to his photographic memory he recorded the comings and goings of
all employees. It was not uncommon that he would murmur "Short day at
work, comrade?" or something equally ominous, and he was always right.
Numerous rumors credited Belphegor with having a transformative
effect on the clients of the Ministry of Everything, while others
snickered about his on-the-job alcohol consumption. Overall,
Belphegor's phenomenal skill set and lack of interest in looking for a
better use for it was responsible for his popularity and put him on
par with many of the Ministry's visitors.

Belphegor was doing excellent job keeping track of work, and he was
coping well with the accounting for verk, which he did by tracking not
only the time that employees spent at work but also time they
were absent. But there was no way he could deal with oververk. He
feebly pleaded for his job, but one day he was gone and in his place
we got a thick ledger where we were supposed to record our own activity
time. The ledger had a space for initials and  columns for work, verk,
oververk and its multiplier. Suddenly the scheme become more
complicated, but soon the comrades discovered that  the entries can be
written weeks in advance  Some  took it in stride and were happy to
part with the somewhat intimidating Belphegor, but others are less
certain. In the history of the Party every purge is preceded by a
thaw, and the ledger, which according to rumors is burned when it fills
up, is too good to be true. Others argue that this is just a sign of
catching up with capitalists. In the last phase of this rotting
system, work time need not be accounted for, as low wages and
the prospect of unemployment are compelling exploited masses to work
non-stop at full capacity. Apparently, for completely different
reasons obviously, a similar phenomenon could be  present at the dawn
of communism.

Continued here.

Ministry of Everything -- mapping out the future

This is a continuation of my uncle's blog from here.

The Ministry of Everything was never at the front lines of the revolutionary effort, and the Botany Unit is fairly insulated from the daily struggles. While we believe that we will share a large piece of the final victory with other comrades, our contributions are of a strategic nature. The Party often checks up on us to make sure that what we do is somewhat useful, but it is our existence that makes capitalist pigs' lives miserable rather than any particular thing that we do. A seasoned comrade expressed it as follows: "Metaphorically, the outcome of the Ministry of Everything may not be a fish to eat for today, nor even a fishing rod to help us catch fish tomorrow; instead, the plan is to draw a map with information about where the fish are."  So we move on with our daily efforts, but lately whole months pass without a single event bearing any resemblance to a victory.  The days of stomping our enemies into the ground are over and we spend our time on this map drawing business. A small fish once in a while would have been be a welcome change and  many comrades are withering in such an environment.  What keeps us going in these trying times are thoughts of retirement.

Retirement

For capitalist pigs retirement is a heavy burden because the system is built on exploitation and a lack of respect. It is quite different in the workers' paradise. The Ministry of Everything invested a lot of lateral thinking in this subject and came up with a scheme that encapsulates the dreams of past generations. Ask any worker, farmer or scientist: what is so great about being retired? Perhaps half of them will tell you "not having to do anything" and the other half will say "not having to come to work". Now ask them what is not so good about retirement: the answers will likely be the same! The first half will say "not having to come to work" and the second half "not having to do anything." You see, not doing anything and not coming to work is just too much, but if you separate the two it is a step in the right direction!  The Ministry of Everything  was the first to forge these simple observations into retirement plans that shine a beacon for the rest of the working class.

The Barnacle and Blue Yonder

are the two primary retirement plans in our organization. The Barnacle is designed for comrades that  already gave their best years to the organization. They do not feel like working anymore but they sure do like to come to their workplace to watch their colleagues running their daily chores and socialize. To become a barnacle you need to attach yourself solidly to the vessel of your organization and at a midpoint of your anticipated career span, start reducing your level of activity so that in the end it barely hovers above zero. Barnacles are a great asset: after a few frantic years at the beginning of their careers they develop pleasant and easy-going personalities and are great advocates for a stress-free environment. Barnacles are also voracious verkers who exceed their quotas by a wide margin. Barnacles were super-productive in their early years, but not so much after the transition, and in the end it averages out to what the Party expects from all of us. Consequently,  the rest of the comrades are not punished with unreasonable expectations regarding their productivity.  Even though turning into a barnacle is a retirement, there are ample career opportunities afterwards. The Ministry of Everything has a number of positions that require no actual work, and they are all occupied by barnacles. In many cases it takes several promotions to get there.

Blue Yonder is a twin of The Barnacle and it is a retirement program that eliminates the need to come to the Ministry of Everything but provides almost unlimited opportunities for interesting and creative work.  It is designed for comrades who feel that their best years are still ahead of them but who sense that the Ministry of Everything may not be the place where they can spread their wings.  They are full of energy and ideas, but for various reasons the Ministry of Everything has never tapped into this resource.  They project their frustrations and make life hard for everybody. Blue Yonder is there to help! Successful applicants -- and nobody is really turned down -- are sent to the wild blue yonder to fend for themselves, and the bare minimum of sustenance helps them to leverage their talents.  As usual, nay sayers claim that getting Blue Yonder is no different than being fired, but this is a malicious slander spread by people who never experienced the Party vengeance reserved for those whose employment was actually terminated. No, Blue Yonder is a tough love program and its recipients usually work harder then ever before and many are happier that way.

I recently realized that I have spent  a decade in the Ministry of Everything, and have reached the midpoint of my career. Consequently, it is time to think about retiring, and both options are calling. I am very interested in becoming a barnacle and I feel that I would do a good job at it.  Not doing much work seems quite hard at first but I suspect that it becomes easier once you get the hang of it. But Blue Yonder is also tempting, and a chance to have an opportunity to play for a winning team is alluring. I was torn between these two options until a new possibility presented itself.

Kvass Party

is the resistance movement at the Ministry of Everything. It just started in the Botany Unit and it is slowly spreading around.  A senior comrade once said "Ministry of Everything's past is admirable, its present is more than magnificent; as to its future it is beyond the grasp of the most daring imagination." Unfortunately, these days this statement is hardly a reflection of reality, and Kvass Party is a rebellion  that aims to alter our organization and to right its course. At the moment, Kvass Party members enjoy deep conspiracy and are cloaked by a profound sense of irrelevance. But this is soon to change. At the first meeting we settled the issue of a secret handshake and a warning call.

Putting the Ministry of Everything on the right track is a harder problem and so far comrades have attacked it on a philosophical level.  After considerable discussion we arrived at the consensus that our situation would be greatly improved if we did more of the smart things and fewer of the stupid ones.  Most comrades had difficulty identifying smart things they could possibly do but they had a copious lists of stupid things they deal with all the time.   When my turn came I  mentioned  our weekly meetings as the most boring and futile activity. Suddenly all eyes were on me and I quickly clarified that I meant "their" meetings, and not Kvass Party meetings.
At the conclusion of the first gathering the Kvass Party members pledged to eliminate the most silly and useless things that they do on a regular basis and to keep productivity unchanged, replace them with the second most stupid thing. This slow and gradual change will build momentum for the most needed changes.

For the moment joining the Kvass Party seems like the most exciting and daring thing to do. We practice our secret handshake and plan to use a decoder ring for secret messaging.  I will report on the future Kvass Party activities as they will undoubtedly bring former glory to the Ministry of Everything.

Continued here.

Ministry of Everything on the move

This continues my uncle diary from here.

The big news is out - we are moving to a new building! Comrades are
excited and rumors are endless. Not that there is anything wrong
with our old building. Ok, it is a bit small, the paint is peeling off
and the motivational posters hanging here and there are faded, but
that is about it. Wreckers incited by the capitalist pigs are claiming
that our building is constructed from bricks made out of clay
excavated from an old uranium mine. These statements are simply false;
numerous tests done by government-appointed scientists showed once
and for all that the radiation level is a great deal lower that what
comrades on our nuclear submarines have to endure every day.  And it
is definitely not true that the nomenklatura  residing on the top floor
is wearing lead lined underwear.  It is all nonsense; in fact we are
moving because the Party wants us elsewhere, it is as simple as that.

In the swamp

The new location is called Wolf Swamp. I have not seen any wolves
there  but indeed the area is a bit soggy and galoshes come in handy.
Mosquitos, leeches and frogs are in abundance and the smell of
decomposing organic matter envelopes the surroundings and gives the
environment an exotic  feeling.  Our building will be constructed in
the middle of the swamp with convenient access by paddle boat in
case of rain. We all speculate about the size and shape of the
building and  wonder whether it will actually have windows.
Three committees are in charge of the move. Two of them consist of
senior and seasoned Party officials who actually make all the
decisions. These committees operate in utmost secrecy and not much is
known about them except for some acronyms. The third one interacts
with rank and file comrades and in the likely scenario that something
goes wrong, it is they who will have to endure proletarian anger.


But so far everything is all right. The swamp is brimming with life
and committees are dealing with issues that have to be addressed.
These are myriad, and the one of foremost importance is
security.

Protecting assets

The Ministry of Everything is a government organization that interacts
with the citizenry quite a bit. Over the years we have discovered a
curious pattern. Within six months of their initial interaction, about
70% of our customers become quite unhappy with us. They write letters,
shout insults and with growing frequency urinate on our walls and
doorways. These symptoms usually recede within next six months, but there is a startling periodicity that we decided to address at the new
location.  The perimeter fence will keep these rascals at bay by
giving the offenders strong jolts of electricity. It will also keep us
out of range of projectiles such as the tomatoes, rotten eggs and beer
bottles that these low-lifes may hurl at us. Everybody agrees that you
cannot be complacent about security: a puddle of urine today may lead
to  a nuclear attack tomorrow!

If external enemies are a menace, so are those who are already inside.
And what brings dark thoughts, anxiety and anger? Solitude, isolation
and idleness. Well, our building features 375 urinals and squatting
stations, perhaps half of what is needed but far more than is
prudent to leave out of sight.  The big question is - should the
Ministry of Everything have total control over these facilities or
should visitors and guests have access to them as well? The Party seems
to have the answer ready; providing  outsiders with access to these
difficult to control spaces is only asking for trouble.  As it stands,
there is a segment of the population that feels inclined to express their
views and opinions on a range of topics by writing them on the latrine walls. This filthy habit is difficult to eradicate and idle
minds  often incorporate these subversive comments, with a detrimental
effect on productivity. So we say "No" to these malcontents and
layabouts. The Ministry of Everything will employ guards armed with
truncheons and brass knuckles to protect the walls in the latrines,
keep the undesirables out, and make sure that pleasant amenities such
as freshly cut newspaper squares  are not purloined by free-loaders.

Sacrifices

The costs of securing the perimeter, guarding the latrines and
performing random checks on unsuspecting employees are a significant
drain on resources. Even though we were operating in an unsecured
environment for decades, we cannot bear the risk anymore.  Most
employees of the Ministry of Everything spent years coping with fears
and anxieties, thinking of dangers lurking outside, developing ulcers
from using unsecured latrines, and hoping that today is not the day
when their luck runs out.  Early retirements, heart attacks and acute
paranoia are clear markers of the sacrifices that our community was
making. The Party in its infinite wisdom decided to make some
allowances and let senior comrades set new priorities.  Small
sacrifices are necessary for securing our space, and giving up our walking yard, library and nursery is really a bargain! These recommendations
of the Central Committee were applauded  by most employees, although I
have to report that a few obstinate complainers were annoying
everybody by clinging to the past. The collective understands that
nursery, a walking yard and a library are pleasant to have, but the mental toughness and resourcefulness coming from not having them has a far greater value in the revolutionary struggle.   We were nearly brought to tears
by the Party's willingness to discuss these issues and to turn weaker
minds around. Nursery  became a particularly big issue.
Members of the Central Committee, mostly men in their 70's, seemed to
be quite puzzled as to what all the fuss was about. Nevertheless, with
fatherly patience they explained to decades-younger
inexperienced female comrades the importance of doing the right thing.
I was elated to see the principles of our system brought to bear on
the issue. Our leaders worked with persistence and I watched with
amazement as  the first glimpses of comprehension about the idea of an
electric fence around our building gave way to the unanimous support.
In the final tally all junior comrades of both genders voted against
nursery as a capitalist folly compromising our security, something that would serve to divide comrades and alienate senior Party members who were past their reproductive age.


Many years separate us from the actual move and a lot of  comrades
feel that they are putting their life on the line simply by coming to work
under the present security arrangements. But thanks to our leaders
there is a bright path in front of us. I know that while it may take a
decade or two, and many of us may not live that long, as a collective
we will endure and on one very distant day we will make Wolf Swamp
our new home.

Continued here.

Food for thought

A while ago I wrote (you can find it here)  about the trail-blazing effort of our organization in facilitating the scientific endeavors of other species.  These first steps seem naive in retrospect, and in spite of our elevated expectations, not much came out of them. Little did we know that this was a pivotal point in the history of human civilization…

Shortly after the first inter-species panel, a paper was posted in the archives. It was titled "Computational aspects of biology," and it claimed that every DNA-based life form is computationally equivalent to the Turing machine. The paper generated a tremendous amount of misunderstanding, but in a nutshell it demonstrated that a human being and an ordinary house plant represent two  species that in principle have the same ability to abstract the universe through computation. The key paradigm shift presented in this work concerned the concept of communication - a necessary step in carrying out an algorithm. While humans view communication as a process involving five senses, talking, writing, and so forth, this is a smoke-screen. On the biological level, communication occurs via ingestion of biological matter, that is eating. The entire food chain is really an encoding of billions of computations performed by various species. Sadly, consuming your interlocutor is the universal language of nature, geared towards a higher purpose.  The computations carried on by the entire biomass are for the most part charting its evolutionary path, but there is a great deal of spare capacity. For example, if a banana plant wants to embark on resolving the Riemann Hypothesis, it carries on as long as it can and then produces a banana. This banana is eaten by a bird, who is eaten by a shark who is eaten by a tourist, who urinates on another banana tree during a cruise in Carribean. This is how a new banana plant finds out about the computation carried out by the former one, and is able to continue the former's efforts. The slowness of the process is offset by the immense size of the biosphere. 

The tremendous amount of interspecies interactions  is certainly a new ingredient in our understanding of the world, and given the asserted computational equivalence, it exacerbates the central question of humanity: "why are we here?" The answer is unfortunately quite sobering: "eat, shit and travel." Why? Because, the friendly plants inform us, we can do it so quickly. Apparently plants, bacteria, and the rest of the lot are also on a tight schedule, and it helps to have omnivorous busybodies running around and speeding things up. What about science, culture and the rest of it, you may ask?  It has all been surreptitiously donated to humanity, and by golly, calling intuition a gut feeling should have been a hint a long time ago! Indeed, Archimedes' fondness of olive oil, Pythagoras' love for pig’s intestines, Newton's appetite for apples, Einstein's interest in sauerkraut, Marie Curie's appetite for fried possum, and Darwin's bouts with the flu were all  means of transmitting scientific ideas from the ever-computing biomass into willing minds.  

It is only when humans started messing up the planet too much that the biosphere faced the dilemma of whether to poison us all or try to appeal to our better side. The interspecies scientific panel was a big plus and a nudge in our favor. Reportedly it was a very close call, with bok-choy firmly on our side and Ebola virus and broccoli furiously lobbying for a showdown. As had already happened several times in the past, humanity prevailed, and soon afterward the movie "Avatar" was made. It popularized ideas of the computing world while carrying out a warning not to interfere with it. So in the end humans, were allowed another chance  and given their marching orders. Most accepted with great relief solutions to a number of millennia-old philosophical questions, and promised  to help restore the planetary balance.

Our funding organization is at the forefront of these changes and takes them in stride. The support for human scientific efforts, that is, human-based science, is in retreat as nobody wants to invest in ever-traveling gluttons. It was dwindling for years but now there is really no good reason to pay money for science  that really originates from brussel sprouts or yeast! Consequently, the budgets of grant proposals that used to have dollar amounts, now speak of light, water, and air, and science is the cheapest commodity on the planet. We are adapting to these changes as quickly as possible. Just recently a bullnose dolphin named Todo was hired as a program officer in the Political Science unit. His colleagues often frolic with him in a water-filled office. Frankly, these guys are so worried about human bias that only soliciting help from another species could give them credibility in the studies of the US political system. But the boldest move is due to the directorate of mathematical and physical sciences. In a recent search for a director of one of the units, a candidate named Fern made it to the final short-list. Discrete inquiries revealed that Fern is, yes, you have guessed it, a mid-size fern that is already settled in the hiring unit (still called human resources) in a clay pot near a window. Colleagues were apprehensive about the upcoming interview and were not quite clear what would transpire.  On the day of the interview, Fern was brought in and the acting director murmured profuse apologies while collecting  several leaves from the lower portion of his body. Next he brewed them in a small kettle and the interview commenced with everybody getting a Shot of Fern. Within minutes, a profound change occurred. Colleagues who were threatening to retire got new wind in their sails, ideas for budget drivers flourished, people were pledging to move on with mundane everyday work and engaging in strategic thinking. An hour into the interview we had drafts of three new solicitations, an employee assessment plan, and a clear vision of the future. Fern got enthusiastic support from everybody and was carried to the Central Office for more interviewing. After several hours, human resource people, clearly acting in the best interest of Fern and his leafy brethren,  had to intervene  and just in time! Poor Fern was missing half of his leaves, while his colleagues from the Central Office looked like they were walking on clouds. We hope for his speedy recovery and fully expect that Fern will be the first representative of flora in a managerial position of a government institution!