This is a continuation of my uncle's diary from here.
Just a few days ago we had a big meeting involving the leaders of the
Ministry and comrades from the Central Committee. Here is a brief
report on the key items:
Nom de plume
For decades employees of the Ministry of Everything were signing all
documents with their last, followed by their first name. Not a
particularly inflammatory choice, but out of nowhere the Transparency
Office declared that the order is to be changed "effective
immediately." Apparently "there are reasons" for the change, because
the first name is "easier" and "better to start with." It would all be
straightforward if not for the fact that the fine print accompanying
the order specified that some of the first names are "not simple
enough." Indeed, among our new employees some have rather exotic
names. This includes two male comrades with first names Koscibor and
Zubrzydar, and well as female comrades Kocilapcia and Darmozjada. The
instructions indicated that we ought to change these names temporarily
to Jan and Maria respectively. Kocilapcia was agreeable but Zubrzydar
claimed that the name is his own and not subject to change. Some
comrades were sympathetic but others felt that the concept at the
heart of the issue is to adopt a properly sounding nom de plume such
as Lenin or Stalin, rather than to cling to what overexcited parents
concocted decades earlier. This quickly squelched the discussion and
these days Jan and Maria account for half of our colleagues' names.
Children of the corn
As I described a long time ago, beets, potatoes and corn represent the
central focus of the Botany Unit. There is a great deal of synergy and
healthy rivalry between comrades dealing with these crops, but
occasionally some conflicts arise.
As hinted here and reported there, the Corn people got preoccupied
with the idea of adding the word "Corn" to the name of the Botany
Unit. It was a contentious and complicated issue and the Central
Committee mulled over it for a long time. The final decision was to
keep the old name but to request a detailed report on the role and
presence of corn in society. The point was to validate the main
claim of Corn people that corn is everywhere, that society is infused
with corn thinking and corn mentality, and that ultimately corn-based
farming will defeat capitalist pigs. A very distinguished committee
was appointed and the search for children of the corn commenced.
Optimists were hoping to connect with vast and distant communities
and generate synergy akin to being united with the ten lost tribes of
Israel. Pessimists anticipated homunculi and miscreants languishing in
hard-to-foresee locations, and children of the corn, as the legends
have it, being corn worshippers of the worst order, hostile and
vengeful creatures dabbing in beet and potato sacrifice. The report
did not side with any of these views and frankly, the finding
represented well known grievances of the corn community. The comrade
presenting the report, a friendly and eloquent chap, began with some
brief coverage of the generalities and then delivered the only
recommendation regarding corn: "more human consumption." "From the
cradle to the grave," he added pointedly. In the brief pause after this
pronouncement, a senior comrade chairing the Ministry committee was
overheard saying "Do they seriously want us to eat all this stuff?"
and this remark uncorked another bottle of anti-botanical sentiment.
Lively discussion ensued, led by meat and gravy lovers, another
phantasy entertained by our Ministry, but luckily we soon moved to
another topic that stirred up a lot of emotions --
Missing toilet paper
Lavatories of the Ministry of Everything are supplied with government-provided toilet paper. A mere pleasantry but much appreciated. As a
result of battling capitalists, there is a general shortage of just
about everything and it has been noticed that toilet paper
disappears at an accelerated rate. In fact some wanton wreckers leave
small squares hanging on the doorknobs to demonstrate their
anti-social tendencies. Consequently, some comrades took to writing on
the walls of the stalls to express their frustration. During the discussion
the following options emerged:
1. remove the stall walls,
2. provide individual rations of toilet paper,
3. seize and punish toilet paper wreckers,
4. bring your own toilet paper.
The last option was quickly eliminated, even though that is what
everybody is doing anyway. Writing on the stall's walls was recognized
as a problem but some comrades noted that it is not the lack of the
toilet paper that they are writing about! (although I heard
someone mumbling that the choice of medium might not be unrelated). I
glanced at the comrade who proposed removing the stalls' walls
altogether and got a strong sense that this is quite a pervy solution
and squatting next to him is asking for trouble. Others thought
likewise and the idea was abandoned as well. Consequently, we were
left with catching and punishing the wreckers. A perfect choice! It
is unlikely that anybody will be ever caught but the educational value
of developing cunning, stealth and arts of evasion will be a lifetime
lesson for many. Suddenly the Party's infinite wisdom pierced the fog
shrouding my mind and I felt that a bright future lies ahead.
Continued here.
Just a few days ago we had a big meeting involving the leaders of the
Ministry and comrades from the Central Committee. Here is a brief
report on the key items:
Nom de plume
For decades employees of the Ministry of Everything were signing all
documents with their last, followed by their first name. Not a
particularly inflammatory choice, but out of nowhere the Transparency
Office declared that the order is to be changed "effective
immediately." Apparently "there are reasons" for the change, because
the first name is "easier" and "better to start with." It would all be
straightforward if not for the fact that the fine print accompanying
the order specified that some of the first names are "not simple
enough." Indeed, among our new employees some have rather exotic
names. This includes two male comrades with first names Koscibor and
Zubrzydar, and well as female comrades Kocilapcia and Darmozjada. The
instructions indicated that we ought to change these names temporarily
to Jan and Maria respectively. Kocilapcia was agreeable but Zubrzydar
claimed that the name is his own and not subject to change. Some
comrades were sympathetic but others felt that the concept at the
heart of the issue is to adopt a properly sounding nom de plume such
as Lenin or Stalin, rather than to cling to what overexcited parents
concocted decades earlier. This quickly squelched the discussion and
these days Jan and Maria account for half of our colleagues' names.
Children of the corn
As I described a long time ago, beets, potatoes and corn represent the
central focus of the Botany Unit. There is a great deal of synergy and
healthy rivalry between comrades dealing with these crops, but
occasionally some conflicts arise.
As hinted here and reported there, the Corn people got preoccupied
with the idea of adding the word "Corn" to the name of the Botany
Unit. It was a contentious and complicated issue and the Central
Committee mulled over it for a long time. The final decision was to
keep the old name but to request a detailed report on the role and
presence of corn in society. The point was to validate the main
claim of Corn people that corn is everywhere, that society is infused
with corn thinking and corn mentality, and that ultimately corn-based
farming will defeat capitalist pigs. A very distinguished committee
was appointed and the search for children of the corn commenced.
Optimists were hoping to connect with vast and distant communities
and generate synergy akin to being united with the ten lost tribes of
Israel. Pessimists anticipated homunculi and miscreants languishing in
hard-to-foresee locations, and children of the corn, as the legends
have it, being corn worshippers of the worst order, hostile and
vengeful creatures dabbing in beet and potato sacrifice. The report
did not side with any of these views and frankly, the finding
represented well known grievances of the corn community. The comrade
presenting the report, a friendly and eloquent chap, began with some
brief coverage of the generalities and then delivered the only
recommendation regarding corn: "more human consumption." "From the
cradle to the grave," he added pointedly. In the brief pause after this
pronouncement, a senior comrade chairing the Ministry committee was
overheard saying "Do they seriously want us to eat all this stuff?"
and this remark uncorked another bottle of anti-botanical sentiment.
Lively discussion ensued, led by meat and gravy lovers, another
phantasy entertained by our Ministry, but luckily we soon moved to
another topic that stirred up a lot of emotions --
Missing toilet paper
Lavatories of the Ministry of Everything are supplied with government-provided toilet paper. A mere pleasantry but much appreciated. As a
result of battling capitalists, there is a general shortage of just
about everything and it has been noticed that toilet paper
disappears at an accelerated rate. In fact some wanton wreckers leave
small squares hanging on the doorknobs to demonstrate their
anti-social tendencies. Consequently, some comrades took to writing on
the walls of the stalls to express their frustration. During the discussion
the following options emerged:
1. remove the stall walls,
2. provide individual rations of toilet paper,
3. seize and punish toilet paper wreckers,
4. bring your own toilet paper.
The last option was quickly eliminated, even though that is what
everybody is doing anyway. Writing on the stall's walls was recognized
as a problem but some comrades noted that it is not the lack of the
toilet paper that they are writing about! (although I heard
someone mumbling that the choice of medium might not be unrelated). I
glanced at the comrade who proposed removing the stalls' walls
altogether and got a strong sense that this is quite a pervy solution
and squatting next to him is asking for trouble. Others thought
likewise and the idea was abandoned as well. Consequently, we were
left with catching and punishing the wreckers. A perfect choice! It
is unlikely that anybody will be ever caught but the educational value
of developing cunning, stealth and arts of evasion will be a lifetime
lesson for many. Suddenly the Party's infinite wisdom pierced the fog
shrouding my mind and I felt that a bright future lies ahead.
Continued here.
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