Visit at the cemetery
Julian and his mother are walking briskly through the cemetery.
“Dammit, it has to be somewhere here” Kasia murmurs as they weave between tombstones, and Julian follows her not quite sure where they are heading. It is late fall and the day is cold and cloudy. Finally Kasia slows down and confirms her bearings on the phone.
“There it is!” she exclaims pointing at the grave covered with dry leaves and large planter in the middle.
“What is it?” Julian asks patiently.
“This is my father ’s and your grandfather’s grave,” Kasia answers with some hesitation.
Julian moves the pile of leaves with the tip of his shoe to expose the inscription. Two dates and grandpa’s name written between them in a funky font show up.
“April 1967 and November 2028” Julian reads slowly, “so he died when I was eleven,” he completes mental arithmetic.
“Just about,” Kasia agrees and glares at the grave with growing irritation, “today is the tenth anniversary and you just turned twenty one. I thought it is time for you to see it.”
Julian nods slightly.
“But obviously grandpa is not buried here since he is coming tonight for dinner,” he says matter of factly.
“Correct,” Kasia answers absentmindedly as they stare at the grave.
“Is there a simple explanation for all this?” Julian asks looking at her.
“Not really,” Kasia answers with resignation, “it is a long story.”
Lecture
“Impetigo? Seriously?” Kasia mutters angrily as she straps Julian into the car seat.
He was just expelled from the toddler’s room in daycare under a suspicion of being contagious.
“No risk for grownups, but a menace for babies,” the head teacher said as she pushed them out the door.
This spells trouble but the choices are slim and Kasia made up her mind momentarily.
“You will go to teach a class with me today,” she says cheerfully but with some trepidation, “put on your best behavior.”
Julian gurgles happily while gnawing at his foot.
Hour later they arrive in college with few minutes to spare. The class is already assembled and at seeing Kasia with Julian in a baby-carrier everybody bursts with curiosity.
“Please do not mind him,” she announces “he will go to sleep.”
“Hope for the best and prepare for the worst,” Jack Reacher motto passes through her mind as she deploys the diaper bag and lets Julian loose.
“Today we will talk about models of life,” she starts,”you have read the text and given the circumstances you will do the talking.”
She looks around and points to a woman sitting in the back row.
“Let’s get going,” she says, “please start from the beginning.”
Student is a bit flustered but quite pleased with the opportunity.
“The first model,” she begins, “is the Commodity Model.” “It purports,” she continues, “that life has intrinsic value and that there is no alternative to being.”
“Your life starts when you are born and ends when you die and you can only gain by prolonging it as much as possible.”
“Why is it called Commodity model?” someone asks.
Kasia grabs Julian’s foot to prevent him from wandering off and looks around the classroom expectingly.
“Because it views life as a commodity, something that we demand and expect from Nature,” finally someone speaks up.
Kasia nods and glances at Julian who is licking the floor, “Excellent, and now what is the historical context for the Commodity model?”
“Commodity model is the dominant view, present for millennia and supported by law, religion and countless philosophers,” one student replies.
“So there is no alternative?” Kasia asks facetiously.
Another student raises her hand, “an alternative presents itself in form of the Performance Model.”
“Performance Model?” Kasia asks with mock curiosity.
Since things are going well she decides to personify a not too bright student and let the class do the job while she keeps an eye on Julian who is crawling fearlessly towards the exit.
“Performance model assumes that the time between birth and death is divided into three consecutive periods — prelife, perfectlife and afterlife,” another student warms up.
“Prelife begins with biological birth and continues to the first moment when you feel that you are an autonomous human being distinct and separate from others.”
“And?” Kasia asks while running to prevent Julian from sticking his fingers in an electric socket.
“And then perfectlife begins,” student continues, “this is your grand opus, a performance, a piece of work that only you can create, something that is worth saving your life for,” she ends with a dubious pun.
“And when your oeuvre is complete your perfectlife ends and you slip into afterlife?” Kasia asks while firmly pinning Julian to the ground.
“How do we know it is complete?” a student ask out of order as the class slowly livens up.
“Ha!” a guy in the first row exclaims, “listen to this.” He gets up, turns around facing the class and begins to recite unaware that Julian is sucking on his shoelaces
“To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to”
“Mamma mia!” another student bursts out, “is this what Shakespeare had in mind?”
“We do not know if Shakespeare even existed, let alone what he meant,” Kasia pipes in probing around Julian’s diapers, “however it makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“What makes sense?” a guy in the back row asks trying to hide that he is texting at the same time.
“Hamlet’s quandary,” someone replies, “this is not a question of a suicidal maniac whether to off himself but rather when to transition to afterlife. This is no different than pondering about your retirement package, and equally rational.”
It is not often that an answer to a central question of humanity presents itself during the discussion with undergraduates and Kasia is determined to unravel it.
“So what do you make of it?” she asks the class, “which of life models do you like more?”
“Performance model is cool,” another student volunteers, and after short pause she adds, “and it answers a big question.”
“What question?”
“About the sense of life.”
“Indeed, it would a bonus,” Kasia is pleased with class’ analytical skills, “but could you expand?”
“It appears that building perfectlife is a central goal that gives sense to the whole thing,” student explains surprised by the simplicity of the answer, and class gets momentarily silent.
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” someone muses breaking the spell, “Commodity model sucks.”
“Wait a moment” a student yells trying to be heard, “what do you actually do in the afterlife?”
“Well, this is for the next time,” Kasia concludes, “this class is dismissed. For homework please write two page story on how your perfectlife begun.”
Performance Life Center transcripts
Client :T2357
Gender: Male
Bioage: 60
Visit: Initial
Life Planner: Joanna Lemonlulu
Date: November 2017
——————————
JL: Welcome to the Life Performance Center. What brings you here?
T2357: Curiosity most likely. Your reputation is very good.
JL: (repeats the tv ad) We are number one in weight loss, nail biting cessation, appearance enhancement and more. Over 80% success!
T2357: Addictions? Drugs? Alcohol?
JL: Sadly not so much. These are often an integral part of the program.
T2357: (excitedly) You give free drugs??
JL (patiently): All we give is our time for a friendly chat. You have to do the rest. Why don’t we begin?
T2357: (with hesitation) Ok, I am not quite sure…
JL: (waives her hand as if to chase away any concerns) Why are you here?
T2357: (suddenly nervous) I am not sure.
JL: You are not sure why you are in my office or why you are on this planet?
T2357: Both. But which one were you asking?
JL: Planet.
T2357: Planet?
JL: (firmly) Yes, planet. Isn’t it more central?
T2357 (suddenly relaxed) Perhaps you can help me. I can see it now.
JL: (confidently) Yes, we can help. What is your birthdate?
T2357: May 1957.
JL: (softly) Really? Your birthday is on the day you were born?
T2357: (shaking his head) What else? I just celebrated my grandson birthday. Isn’t is how it is done?
JL: Grandson? This is big deal. What is his name?
T2357: Julian.
JL: Nice name. However, you did not read the brochure. Let me start from the beginning.
T2357: (appears flustered and says nothing)
JL: Do you remember being born?
T2357: No.
JL: Drinking milk from a bottle?
T2357: No.
JL: Wearing diapers?
T2357: No.
JL: Not having teeth?
T2357: No.
JL: So perhaps May 1957 does not mean so much to you that you would call it your birthday?
T2357: (deeply disturbed) But I was born then.
JL: Just like Julian was born in June 2017. He will not remember his birthday the same way as you do not remember yours.
T2357: So what am I supposed to do?
JL: You need to do your homework.
T2357: (with horror) What homework?
JL: You have to figure out when were you really born.
T2357: Now?
JL: No. It is a take home assignment due on the next visit.
T2357: (trying to save face) How do you know there will be next visit?
JL: I don’t. But I know that you will do your homework.
Afterlife
Kasia’s class is buzzing when she enters the classroom.
“Where is Julian?” someone asks.
“Cleared for toddler’s room,” Kasia answers cheerfully.
“Aaah, it was more fun when he participated.”
“Depends for whom,” Kasia says laughing, “any more thought on the Performance Life model?”
A student in the back row raises her hand, “I am not sure that this model really solves anything.”
“How so?” Kasia asks encouragingly.
“It give purpose to perfectlife, but afterlife seem completely senseless,” she says, “the question about the sense of life is shifted but not solved.”
“Afterlife gives sense to perfectlife, could it be that perfectlife gives sense to afterlife?” Kasia asks the class.
“It is like baron Munhausen pulling himself out of the water by his own hair,” another student adds, “circular argument.”
“Maybe,” Kasia concedes, “perhaps we need to look closer at what is afterlife.”
“It is a discard, something that would diminish perfectlife,” one student volunteers.
“Aimless existence.”
“Afterlife is fugly.”
They pile negatives until everybody is convinced that afterlife is utter misery.
“Lets go back to Hamlet,” Kasia goes back to the core idea, “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or take arms against a sea of troubles. What does it say about perfectlife?”
“That perfectlife is full of action,” someone says.
“It seems so,” Kasia agrees, “but can you see wisdom and merit in taking no action?”
“Like doing nothing?” a guy in front row asks.
“Taking no action is not the same as doing nothing,” another student joins discussion, “the concept can be traced from early Christianity to modernity.”
“Like what?”
“Like nonresistance for example.”
Kasia is very pleased with her class.
“So do you agree that perfectlife and afterlife do not mix well but that both may have merit?”
“Taking no action is a good idea,” another student provides a concluding remark, “reminds me of when my dad attempted to dig a swimming pool in the backyard.”
“What happened?”
“We have this giant hole in the ground to this day.”
Performance Life Center transcripts
Client :T2357
Gender: Male
Bioage: 60
Visit: Continuing
Life Planner: Joanna Lemonlulu
Date: April 2018
——————————
JL: (bangs her palms on the table) Welcome, welcome, welcome.
T2357: (stubbornly) I am still uncomfortable about moving my birthday.
JL: There is a part of your life that you know nothing about. Why not toss it out?
T2357: I know about it! My mom told me.
JL: Did she tell you about Santa Claus too? Do you pretend to be an animal when you talk to Julian? C’mon, lets hear when you life really started.
T2357: Ok, let it be. It was sometime in April 1967.
JL: 1967? A bit late, isn’t it?
T2357: We were learning in school about the greatest common divisor.
JL: (interrupts) Greatest common divisor?
T2357: (in professorial voice) Yes. For any two integers there is the largest integer that divides both of them.
JL: Quite clear.
T2357: Indeed, but I had problems grasping it.
JL: (with concern) Were you slow?
T2357: (in wounded voice) I was not slow! I just wanted to understand!
JL: That is what a slow person would say.
T2357: I was not slow!!
JL: That is the beauty of the system, even if you were slow you can put it behind you.
T2357: Aaaargh!
JL: Ok, if you cannot admit it then let’s drop it. What happened?
T2357: In a flash I understood the concept of the greatest common divisor completely.
JL: Completely? You either understand it or not.
T2357: Absolutely not. There are multiple levels of understanding and this was my defining experience when I reached the highest one.
JL: Defining? Like you wanted to completely understand other things as well?
T2357: Exactly!
JL: And did you?
T2357: I came close but this first experience has not yet been repeated.
JL: So you had an episode when you were ten. But you have recovered and all is well. No need to worry.
T2357: Episode? Like what crazy people have?
JL: This is not the language that I would use. Episode is one of a kind psychotic event of unknown etiology. You can put it behind you…
T2357: (interrupts and roars) I do not want to put it behind me. I want it back!
JL: Are you concentrating enough on building your perfectlife? This is what really matters.
T2357: (takes a deep breath) I was born in April 1967 and even though I did not know at a time, this is when my perfectlife begun.
JL: Fantastic, I see that you have read the brochure.
T2357: So what happens now?
JL: You found your birthday! Congratulations! We need to celebrate.
T2357: Celebrate?
JL: We have a number of religious and secular ceremonies that you can choose from.
T2357: Like what?
JL: We can dunk you in water, feed you a cake or clip your dick.
T2357: Cake please.
Apples and oranges
Kasia sits in her office counting minutes to the end of her office hours. She likes to chat with students but today she is tired and wants to go home. However, this is not meant to be.
“Please come in,” she waves to a student peeking in.
It is the woman who sits in her class in the back row and does not ask very many questions.
“What brings you in?”
“I am not convinced with these arguments about the value of afterlife,” student rattles making it clear that she is not into small talk.
“Which ones?” Kasia probes.
“All of them, Hamlet, action-inaction, whole lot,” she says quite sternly for a shy person.
“Why do you care, it is just a theory.”
“But I like it, except that afterlife seems so shitty.”
“I do not think it is,” Kasia does not give up, “what kind of argument would convince you?”
“I am a science major, it would have to be precise, like math.”
“I am not a mathematician,” Kasia admits, “but maybe we can figure something out.”
They sit in silence staring at the blank blackboard, just like mathematicians do.
“I think I have something,” Kasia says after some minutes, “but it is quite abstract.”
“Abstract is good,” student says with a touch of enthusiasm.
“Ok, here it is,” Kasia starts, “imagine that half of the people like apples and the other half oranges.”
“Ok.”
“You have bags that have equal amount of apples and oranges and you can barely sell them for ten bucks each.”
“I see,” student says, “everybody thinks that they are only buying a half bag for a full price.”
“Exactly,” Kasia says feeling that it goes well, “so now if you split each bag into two smaller ones - one with apples and one with oranges…”
“You will be able to sell each one for 10 bucks,” student finishes the argument.
“What you think?” Kasia asks.
“I guess I will start lining up my oranges, and leave apples for later,” student is beaming, “this is really helpful.”
Performance Life Center transcripts
Client :T2357
Gender: Male
Bioage: 61
Visit: Continuing
Life Planner: Joanna Lemonlulu
Date: November 2018
——————————
JL: Whats up?
T2357: (sounds like complaining) My perfectlife started before I knew what I was doing.
JL: Everybody is in this boat. The concept is new.
T2357: But now that I know it I have been thinking about my last ten years.
JL: And?
T2357: It is a mixed bag and a difficult problem.
JL: Problem? Aren’t you overthinking it? The past is set.
T2357: This is not the last ten years. This is The Last Ten Years. They did not happen yet.
JL: They are in the future? This is the last ten years of your perfectlife?
T2357: Correct. In fact the count started this month. November 11 precisely.
JL: So your perfectlife started in April 1967 and ends in November 2028? How unusual!
T2357: Unusual? Isn’t it what everybody is doing?
JL: Not at all. Most people set the beginning of perfectlife after it already happened, and the end after it already ended.
T2357: It just does not work this way. If you do not set the end of perfectlife in advance there is nothing perfect about it. Pardon the pun. The way I do my Last Ten Years will be full of careful choices, superb time management, great balance and top nutrition.
JL: Still looks morbid. Why doesn’t it work without such gimmicks?
T2357: Because if you do not set the end before it already happened then your perfectlife is potentially infinite.
JL: And this is a problem?
T2357: Yes, and an unsolvable one. Perfect life is like a suitcase, you pack things in it but you have to prioritize because only that many will fit. If the suitcase is potentially infinite then the amount of stuff that you can put in it is potentially infinite as well.
JL: And what is wrong with it?
T2357: If you can do potentially infinitely many things then it might not matter at all what you do.
JL: Why is that?
T2357: As always it comes down to math, trust me on this one.
JL: (rapidly changing subject) So what happens on November 11, 2028?
T2357: Orderly transition to afterlife.
JL: (scratches her head) Are you planning to be an asshole then?
T2357: (agitated) Why are you asking?
JL: Some people are assholes in perfectlife, some in afterlife and some in both.
T2357: What about the fourth possibility?
JL: Unicorns. Few and far apart.
T2357: So if I am not an asshole now I will almost certainly be one in afterlife. How unfair!
JL: Maybe your odds are better than you think?
T2357: Ok, so you think that I am already an asshole. Thank you very much! My odds of doing better are improved but if I am an asshole why would I bother!
JL: Nobody said it will be easy.
Fundamental state
Tomek and Julian are looking for a movie to watch.
“Let’s see the first Ghostbuster movie,” Tomek proposes.
“Are you sure he is big enough for it?” Kasia whispers to him.
“Why not? He is eleven.”
And so it goes.
Julian likes the move and when they get to the scene where Rick Moranis asks a horse in front of Plaza Hotel whether he is The Gatekeeper, Julian turns and asks, “Grandpa, are you an asshole?”
Tomek is clearly jolted by the question, he pauses the movie and inquires, “What is an asshole?”
“I do not know,” Julian answers after a thoughtful pause.
“So what do you know?”
“That I do not want to be one.”
“This is my definition too,” Tomek admits in a worried voice.
Julian sees his stress and tries to cheer him up.
“You are not an asshole, I think”
“But what if I become one,” Tomek reveals his vulnerabilities.
“How can you become what you are not?” Julian fires back and this sinks Tomek even further.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” he asks Julian.
“Firefighter,” Julian replies. “Perhaps,” he adds a moment later.
“But you are not a firefighter now, so how can you become one,” Tomek shoots down his faulty logic.
“I see,” Julian admits resolutely, “change requires some effort.”
“Not if it is a fundamental state,” Tomek says grimly.
“What is a fundamental state?” Julian decides to get to the bottom of it.
“Look at this plate,” Tomek points to a table, “it is nice and shiny but in the end it will be broken. For a plate being in one piece is rather exceptional, while being broken is a fundamental state.”
“I do not believe that being an asshole is a fundamental state,” Julian concludes firmly, “lets watch the rest of the movie.”
Tomek starts fumbling with the remote.
“By your logic the movie will end very badly for everybody,” Julian adds, “lets see if you are right.”
Performance Life Center transcripts
Client :T2357
Gender: Male
Bioage: 71
Visit: Continuing
Life Planner: Joanna Lemonlulu
Date: November 2028
——————————————
JL: Isn’t it a big day today?
T2357: (sadly) I was supposed to switch into afterlife…
JL: But?
T2357: Something awful happened. My grandson asked me if I am an asshole.
JL: And this spooked you?
T2357: I nearly flipped out. What if it is already too late, and I damaged my perfectlife beyond repair?
JL: Tell me what was the context.
T2357: We were watching the Ghostbusters movie and right after the scene where one of the characters asks a horse whether he is the gatekeeper he asked me if I am an asshole.
JL: (rolls with laughter) This is soooo funny.
T2357: (visibly upset) Only to you.
JL: Oh c’mon, he was making a joke and a good one actually.
T2357: A joke??
JL: Gatekeeper. Asshole. Get it?
T2357: (not amused) Is this what he meant?
JL: What else? He is eleven for godsake!
T2357: Actually it is a relief.
JL: So how did you react?
T2357: Oh, I lectured him about philosophy of change.
JL: And he went along? Good kid. He did not want to make you feel that you are slo…
T2357: (glares at her) What were you saying?
JL: I am just saying that you are thinking too much about yourself.
T2357: So what am I supposed to be thinking about?
JL: Something else.
Sunday dinner
Julian and Kasia come back from the cemetery frozen to the bone. Kasia is relived that she has the whole thing behind her while Julian’s interest is only aroused. There is dinner to cook and Kasia, seeing that is Julian anxious for debriefing, says “curtsey while you’re thinking.”
“This grave comes across as a rather odd idea,” Julian starts while peeling potatoes.
“I did not like it at first but after ten years I got used to it,” Kasia says matter of factly.
“What does Tomek think about it?”
“He was excited designing it,” Kasia laughs cutting large amount of squash, “I am not sure if you noticed but the grave stone is our old countertop. The big hole where the planter is now used to be for a sink.”
“Very fitting,” Julian admits, “he loves Home Depot.”
“Indeed.”
“But what do you think about the whole concept and its execution: prelife, perfectlife and afterlife?” Julian goes back to the main point that Kasia outlined to him earlier.
“Hard to say. Once in his life he came to visit my class and this is what he got out of it. Isn’t it bizarre?” Kasia muses.
“Wow!” Julian is amazed, “is this what you have lectured about?”
“Not at all,” Kasia is incredulous, “he just twisted it and this thing came out.”
“But does it work?”
“What works?”
“Perfectlife and afterlife. Does it all make sense?”
Doorbell rings loudly, and Kasia walks towards the door. Just before opening it she turns around and says, “why don’t you ask him yourself.”
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