This is a continuation of my uncle's blog from here.
The Ministry of Everything was never at the front lines of the revolutionary effort, and the Botany Unit is fairly insulated from the daily struggles. While we believe that we will share a large piece of the final victory with other comrades, our contributions are of a strategic nature. The Party often checks up on us to make sure that what we do is somewhat useful, but it is our existence that makes capitalist pigs' lives miserable rather than any particular thing that we do. A seasoned comrade expressed it as follows: "Metaphorically, the outcome of the Ministry of Everything may not be a fish to eat for today, nor even a fishing rod to help us catch fish tomorrow; instead, the plan is to draw a map with information about where the fish are." So we move on with our daily efforts, but lately whole months pass without a single event bearing any resemblance to a victory. The days of stomping our enemies into the ground are over and we spend our time on this map drawing business. A small fish once in a while would have been be a welcome change and many comrades are withering in such an environment. What keeps us going in these trying times are thoughts of retirement.
Retirement
For capitalist pigs retirement is a heavy burden because the system is built on exploitation and a lack of respect. It is quite different in the workers' paradise. The Ministry of Everything invested a lot of lateral thinking in this subject and came up with a scheme that encapsulates the dreams of past generations. Ask any worker, farmer or scientist: what is so great about being retired? Perhaps half of them will tell you "not having to do anything" and the other half will say "not having to come to work". Now ask them what is not so good about retirement: the answers will likely be the same! The first half will say "not having to come to work" and the second half "not having to do anything." You see, not doing anything and not coming to work is just too much, but if you separate the two it is a step in the right direction! The Ministry of Everything was the first to forge these simple observations into retirement plans that shine a beacon for the rest of the working class.
The Barnacle and Blue Yonder
are the two primary retirement plans in our organization. The Barnacle is designed for comrades that already gave their best years to the organization. They do not feel like working anymore but they sure do like to come to their workplace to watch their colleagues running their daily chores and socialize. To become a barnacle you need to attach yourself solidly to the vessel of your organization and at a midpoint of your anticipated career span, start reducing your level of activity so that in the end it barely hovers above zero. Barnacles are a great asset: after a few frantic years at the beginning of their careers they develop pleasant and easy-going personalities and are great advocates for a stress-free environment. Barnacles are also voracious verkers who exceed their quotas by a wide margin. Barnacles were super-productive in their early years, but not so much after the transition, and in the end it averages out to what the Party expects from all of us. Consequently, the rest of the comrades are not punished with unreasonable expectations regarding their productivity. Even though turning into a barnacle is a retirement, there are ample career opportunities afterwards. The Ministry of Everything has a number of positions that require no actual work, and they are all occupied by barnacles. In many cases it takes several promotions to get there.
Blue Yonder is a twin of The Barnacle and it is a retirement program that eliminates the need to come to the Ministry of Everything but provides almost unlimited opportunities for interesting and creative work. It is designed for comrades who feel that their best years are still ahead of them but who sense that the Ministry of Everything may not be the place where they can spread their wings. They are full of energy and ideas, but for various reasons the Ministry of Everything has never tapped into this resource. They project their frustrations and make life hard for everybody. Blue Yonder is there to help! Successful applicants -- and nobody is really turned down -- are sent to the wild blue yonder to fend for themselves, and the bare minimum of sustenance helps them to leverage their talents. As usual, nay sayers claim that getting Blue Yonder is no different than being fired, but this is a malicious slander spread by people who never experienced the Party vengeance reserved for those whose employment was actually terminated. No, Blue Yonder is a tough love program and its recipients usually work harder then ever before and many are happier that way.
I recently realized that I have spent a decade in the Ministry of Everything, and have reached the midpoint of my career. Consequently, it is time to think about retiring, and both options are calling. I am very interested in becoming a barnacle and I feel that I would do a good job at it. Not doing much work seems quite hard at first but I suspect that it becomes easier once you get the hang of it. But Blue Yonder is also tempting, and a chance to have an opportunity to play for a winning team is alluring. I was torn between these two options until a new possibility presented itself.
Kvass Party
is the resistance movement at the Ministry of Everything. It just started in the Botany Unit and it is slowly spreading around. A senior comrade once said "Ministry of Everything's past is admirable, its present is more than magnificent; as to its future it is beyond the grasp of the most daring imagination." Unfortunately, these days this statement is hardly a reflection of reality, and Kvass Party is a rebellion that aims to alter our organization and to right its course. At the moment, Kvass Party members enjoy deep conspiracy and are cloaked by a profound sense of irrelevance. But this is soon to change. At the first meeting we settled the issue of a secret handshake and a warning call.
Putting the Ministry of Everything on the right track is a harder problem and so far comrades have attacked it on a philosophical level. After considerable discussion we arrived at the consensus that our situation would be greatly improved if we did more of the smart things and fewer of the stupid ones. Most comrades had difficulty identifying smart things they could possibly do but they had a copious lists of stupid things they deal with all the time. When my turn came I mentioned our weekly meetings as the most boring and futile activity. Suddenly all eyes were on me and I quickly clarified that I meant "their" meetings, and not Kvass Party meetings.
At the conclusion of the first gathering the Kvass Party members pledged to eliminate the most silly and useless things that they do on a regular basis and to keep productivity unchanged, replace them with the second most stupid thing. This slow and gradual change will build momentum for the most needed changes.
For the moment joining the Kvass Party seems like the most exciting and daring thing to do. We practice our secret handshake and plan to use a decoder ring for secret messaging. I will report on the future Kvass Party activities as they will undoubtedly bring former glory to the Ministry of Everything.
Continued here.
The Ministry of Everything was never at the front lines of the revolutionary effort, and the Botany Unit is fairly insulated from the daily struggles. While we believe that we will share a large piece of the final victory with other comrades, our contributions are of a strategic nature. The Party often checks up on us to make sure that what we do is somewhat useful, but it is our existence that makes capitalist pigs' lives miserable rather than any particular thing that we do. A seasoned comrade expressed it as follows: "Metaphorically, the outcome of the Ministry of Everything may not be a fish to eat for today, nor even a fishing rod to help us catch fish tomorrow; instead, the plan is to draw a map with information about where the fish are." So we move on with our daily efforts, but lately whole months pass without a single event bearing any resemblance to a victory. The days of stomping our enemies into the ground are over and we spend our time on this map drawing business. A small fish once in a while would have been be a welcome change and many comrades are withering in such an environment. What keeps us going in these trying times are thoughts of retirement.
Retirement
For capitalist pigs retirement is a heavy burden because the system is built on exploitation and a lack of respect. It is quite different in the workers' paradise. The Ministry of Everything invested a lot of lateral thinking in this subject and came up with a scheme that encapsulates the dreams of past generations. Ask any worker, farmer or scientist: what is so great about being retired? Perhaps half of them will tell you "not having to do anything" and the other half will say "not having to come to work". Now ask them what is not so good about retirement: the answers will likely be the same! The first half will say "not having to come to work" and the second half "not having to do anything." You see, not doing anything and not coming to work is just too much, but if you separate the two it is a step in the right direction! The Ministry of Everything was the first to forge these simple observations into retirement plans that shine a beacon for the rest of the working class.
The Barnacle and Blue Yonder
are the two primary retirement plans in our organization. The Barnacle is designed for comrades that already gave their best years to the organization. They do not feel like working anymore but they sure do like to come to their workplace to watch their colleagues running their daily chores and socialize. To become a barnacle you need to attach yourself solidly to the vessel of your organization and at a midpoint of your anticipated career span, start reducing your level of activity so that in the end it barely hovers above zero. Barnacles are a great asset: after a few frantic years at the beginning of their careers they develop pleasant and easy-going personalities and are great advocates for a stress-free environment. Barnacles are also voracious verkers who exceed their quotas by a wide margin. Barnacles were super-productive in their early years, but not so much after the transition, and in the end it averages out to what the Party expects from all of us. Consequently, the rest of the comrades are not punished with unreasonable expectations regarding their productivity. Even though turning into a barnacle is a retirement, there are ample career opportunities afterwards. The Ministry of Everything has a number of positions that require no actual work, and they are all occupied by barnacles. In many cases it takes several promotions to get there.
Blue Yonder is a twin of The Barnacle and it is a retirement program that eliminates the need to come to the Ministry of Everything but provides almost unlimited opportunities for interesting and creative work. It is designed for comrades who feel that their best years are still ahead of them but who sense that the Ministry of Everything may not be the place where they can spread their wings. They are full of energy and ideas, but for various reasons the Ministry of Everything has never tapped into this resource. They project their frustrations and make life hard for everybody. Blue Yonder is there to help! Successful applicants -- and nobody is really turned down -- are sent to the wild blue yonder to fend for themselves, and the bare minimum of sustenance helps them to leverage their talents. As usual, nay sayers claim that getting Blue Yonder is no different than being fired, but this is a malicious slander spread by people who never experienced the Party vengeance reserved for those whose employment was actually terminated. No, Blue Yonder is a tough love program and its recipients usually work harder then ever before and many are happier that way.
I recently realized that I have spent a decade in the Ministry of Everything, and have reached the midpoint of my career. Consequently, it is time to think about retiring, and both options are calling. I am very interested in becoming a barnacle and I feel that I would do a good job at it. Not doing much work seems quite hard at first but I suspect that it becomes easier once you get the hang of it. But Blue Yonder is also tempting, and a chance to have an opportunity to play for a winning team is alluring. I was torn between these two options until a new possibility presented itself.
Kvass Party
is the resistance movement at the Ministry of Everything. It just started in the Botany Unit and it is slowly spreading around. A senior comrade once said "Ministry of Everything's past is admirable, its present is more than magnificent; as to its future it is beyond the grasp of the most daring imagination." Unfortunately, these days this statement is hardly a reflection of reality, and Kvass Party is a rebellion that aims to alter our organization and to right its course. At the moment, Kvass Party members enjoy deep conspiracy and are cloaked by a profound sense of irrelevance. But this is soon to change. At the first meeting we settled the issue of a secret handshake and a warning call.
Putting the Ministry of Everything on the right track is a harder problem and so far comrades have attacked it on a philosophical level. After considerable discussion we arrived at the consensus that our situation would be greatly improved if we did more of the smart things and fewer of the stupid ones. Most comrades had difficulty identifying smart things they could possibly do but they had a copious lists of stupid things they deal with all the time. When my turn came I mentioned our weekly meetings as the most boring and futile activity. Suddenly all eyes were on me and I quickly clarified that I meant "their" meetings, and not Kvass Party meetings.
At the conclusion of the first gathering the Kvass Party members pledged to eliminate the most silly and useless things that they do on a regular basis and to keep productivity unchanged, replace them with the second most stupid thing. This slow and gradual change will build momentum for the most needed changes.
For the moment joining the Kvass Party seems like the most exciting and daring thing to do. We practice our secret handshake and plan to use a decoder ring for secret messaging. I will report on the future Kvass Party activities as they will undoubtedly bring former glory to the Ministry of Everything.
Continued here.
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