Government Kitchen

Tom Sietsema is my favorite Washington Post food critic. In this posting
he describes a few restaurants that did not make the “Top Ten” pantheon this year.
Inspired by his writing I ventured to the Government Kitchen - my favorite dining location and a five-star destination. Together with my companion we headed there for a meal  to reaffirm our long standing commitment to this establishment.  Yet the experience left us puzzled and wondering whether the Government Kitchen still belongs to the “Top Ten”.
Here is how it went….

One thing about the Government Kitchen - the place is not graced with great looks or good ambiance.  This is not where you go for a romantic dinner but rather to spread your wings and to broaden your experience. However, the rumors have it that the Government Kitchen is relocating to a new building.  Could it be the change that will raise the dining experience to a new level? Unfortunately not, as this is the last of the designers concerns. Titanium bars will keep the hoi polloi out, reinforced glass will provide protection from explosives and armed guards will be performing full cavity searches if their suspicion is even slightly aroused. Perhaps not as stimulating environment for a diner as one would hope for. For that reason we are planning our visit before the move to see the Government Kitchen naked, vulnerable and taunting her enemies with an underground garage that  is still open to the public!

But let us concentrate on the  meal. Government Kitchen has a lot to offer but on this occasion we settle for a five-course prix fixe meal on the 10-th floor. It is a pricey affair, about 1.3 billion dollars, with about  a third of it being a mandatory tip for the administrative staff.

These days the Government Kitchen gives a lot of attention to the  local ingredients and domestic personnel and we are full of expectations. The first course is Physics and of course Higgs boson is the most anticipated ingredient. We poke in our plates but there is no sign of Higgs. Finally, a staffer with a German  accent explains that Higgs is a foreign ingredient and she offers Higgs infused oil as a closest approximation. A great disappointment, as on our recent trip to Europe we noticed poached Higgs, marinated Higgs, and Higgs dried and stuffed with neutrinos being available even in roadside inns.

The next course is Astronomy. It is an interesting interlude as the serving includes only one very expensive ingredient being farmed in northern Chile. In the end it might be pretty  tasty but at the moment it is still not quite ripe and our server assures us that it needs at least a decade to fully develop. For that reason the dish feels stringy and rather bland, clearly missing companion pieces that would make it whole. Yet most possibilities  for these companion pieces were sacrificed to bring up the main dish and the menu includes a long list of items that  will not be  served anymore in this century.  Thus we are gnawing dutifully on the Astronomy offering trying to imagine it in full glory while residual  sand  from Chilean desert grinds between our teeth.

The next two courses are  Chemistry and Materials. This is supposed to be the pinnacle of our meal, partly because nearly all chefs are chemists. They all come out and sing us “Happy Birthday” to erase less than the perfect impression of the first two courses.  All is well until the dishes show up and what a surprise! They are nearly identical - same spices, same ingredients and the same chefs as it turns out. Ouch! It looks like Chemistry and Materials are just ploys to charge for a five course tasting menu while providing only four  courses.  The food is acceptable but lacks novelty and a grand vision. And did I sense a microwave oven being used to infuse heat into our meal? Is that possible?
The backbone of the dish is a set of rather stale solicitations spiced with diversity and broadening participation agenda.  Definitely not enough for a Michelin star!

For desert we get Mathematics. From the distance it looks attractive but upon closer examination the ingredients  are not particularly fresh and many are past their prime. Desert is a piece that ties the meal together and brings you back for more but this is where the Government Kitchen decided to "go on the cheap" and it is a disappointment. The taste of desert is determined not  by what is  in it but more so by what it is missing - an interesting idea but perhaps not one to be adopted by a pastry chef. A staffer explains politely that Mathematics absorbed a brunt of sacrifices to make the remaining courses better, and helpfully comments that mathematical ingredients have the longest shell life  and some actually never go bad. "But many of our customers do not last till desert," he adds sadly "and so this is where we decided to economize.” His apron emblazoned with names of chemical elements is a clear statement of where his sympathies are.

We pay about fifth of our  budget for this meal and wonder whether it was really worth it. Top chefs are leaving the Government Kitchen in droves and formulaic and tired cooking takes hold of a place where discoveries used to begin. Just when we finished mourning an opportunity for a great dessert that could have saved the meal and redeemed what was overall a pretty shaky experience we are struck by a realization of a colossal lacunae that makes all of the above faults feel like minor imperfections.  What the hell happened to the wine pairings?!?!?

This is not a joke

Declining budgets, dwindling levels of support and nostalgia for the
past glory - this is the new reality facing  government funding agencies.
So after getting most out of the interdisciplinary research, some agencies
embraced broadening participation as a new way to quicken the pace of
discovery. By accepting projects originating from outside the dusty
halls of academia and dramatically enlarging the reviewing community
we opened up to the collective wisdom of the entire humanity.

The panel

The scenery is simple: windowless and overheated room harboring a
proposal evaluation panel in the Government Science Agency.
The Program Commander  introduces the next proposal under review. It
is titled “Roundhouse kick and  the Riemann Hypothesis” and the Principal
Investigator is Chuck Norris. There is a palpable sense of excitement
among the panelists as the Program Commander guides the panel through
carefully selected questions.
"What are the mathematical credentials of the Principal Investigator?” he
begins in a voice that carries a hint of doubt.
The panelists are taken aback and rally for their hero.
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice” is the first response.
"Chuck Norris can divide by zero” adds another, while the third says with grim satisfaction
"Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.”
Lastly someone says "Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.”

Pretty strong pushback! The Program Commander takes another tack
"How about his track record?” This is another tricky question but the
panel is ready.
"When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris” comes an instant riposte.
"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs
of life,” one hears from the back of the room.
"Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only
recognizes the element of surprise” another voice cuts through the noise.

Reviewers make good points but this is not quite relevant so the Program
Commander zeroes in on details.
“How about his publications?” he asks implying a potential weakness.
The response is stunning.
"Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.”
Program Commander does not know what to make of it, so he blindly plows through with
"Ok,  and what about his scholarly activities?”
"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants,”  one of the reviewers points out helpfully.

The picture that emerges is pretty awesome and the Program Commander
starts getting infected with the panel’s enthusiasm.
“Do you think that the Principal Investigator has what it takes to
resolve the Riemann Hypothesis?” he asks with barely masked excitement.
"Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.”
Powerful imagery lingers in the air  while another reviewer adds
"In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.“

“Holy cow!” exclaims Program Commander unable to hold his emotions any
longer.  The atmosphere relaxes and someone jokes
"Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and
the butter comes straight out.”

It is time to wrap it up.
"Do you feel that the Principal Investigator can commit enough time
for this project?” is the last question.
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits,” is an answer that closes the
discussion.

Interlude in the Command Center

Somehow the Command Center gets the wind of the Chuck Norris' proposal
and this spells trouble. Command Center is a bureaucratic body whose sole
interest is in enforcement of various procedures which they generate
with insatiable enthusiasm. They start rooting in the project and
invariably find some problems. First of all  the project is submitted
to the Group Discovery Program which requires a group of three not a
single person. Secondly, they detect a hint of plagiarism. Indeed, one
of the statements in the  proposal is

In mathematics, the Riemann hypothesis, the idea that the Geo Riemann
(1859), and the siege of the nontrivial Riemann zeta not all the
heritage half.

This appears to be the  Google-translation of the the first sentence
of Wikipedia entry on the Riemann Hypothesis.   First into Maori, then to
Afrikaans, and then back into English.

Command Center will not have it. Return without Review is their stern
recommendation.

Panel debriefing in the Mathematics Unit

Program Commanders sit around the large table discussing their
options. Return without Review is a slap in the face and one of the
most obnoxious forms of interaction with the scientific community.
As if this is not enough, in the morning everybody in the Mathematics Unit
received an e-mail from Chuck Norris containing a picture of his
shoe. It is a bit puzzling until someone explains:
"What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.”

As true scientists the Program Commanders focus on mathematics. "How
do you think he is going to solve the Riemann Hypothesis?" someone asks.
"Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it,”
one of the Program Commanders responds. Zeta function
is helpless against Chuck Norris' powers! It must surrender a rogue
zero, or pledge that there aren't any. Even "Death once had a
near-Chuck Norris experience.”
This project is certain to succeed notes another
Program Commander.  "If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck
Norris.”  Others agree. "Chuck Norris eats lightning and shits out thunder.”

 Mathematics is full of objects unwilling to reveal their crucial
 properties and relations. For centuries mathematicians gently coaxed
 these secrets out of them and as a result were steadily falling
 behind the societal expectations. It is time for a change!   Chuck
 Norris and his signature roundhouse kick is the new way to get things
 done!

There is more to say and discuss but it is clear what needs to be done. Program Commanders decide to defy the Command Center and fully unleash Chuck Norris - the most powerful tool of modern mathematics.

History of a certain idea

Hello, let me introduce myself - I am an idea. I am one of many, very
many in fact. The world of ideas dwells on complexity and abstraction
and is far more complicated than the physical world. Every idea needs
a live host to thrive and I am looking for a human host. Most of the
inhabitants of the world of ideas are strange and aloof and not
suitable to be hosted by humans.

In good old days the world of ideas was much bigger, there were ideas
about  ideas, ideas not agreeing with themselves and much more. It all
came crushing down when the idea of all ideas not agreeing with
themselves came along and got stuck wondering about itself. This is
when the Management of Ideas was created and since then only the
simple ideas - ones speaking about physical world - are allowed.

Some think that life of an idea is simple: we get a host, reveal
ourselves and if all goes well we get implemented. Nothing is further
from reality! Most ideas get rejected outright while some get nibbled
by the host’s mind and stay in limbo neither rejected nor
implemented. Eventually the Management of Ideas yanks them back after
some default time interval. In the end, the implementation rate is
pretty low and this leads to fair amount of bitterness. In fact some
radical ideas petition for the change of the host species but this is
just margins. The fact remains that for ideas like me, humans are the
only game in town, and implementation is the only chance for
fulfillment.

As we glean into the physical world, there is growing feeling among
ideas that some of us should be implemented and the sooner the
better. Unfortunately, the Management of Ideas operates mostly in the
crisis mode and there is not much strategic thinking on how to
gradually improve the quality of the host species, that is humans, and
ramp up the implementation rates.

Most complaints within the community of ideas center on the host
selection and quality.
First of all, the host selection. It is random and for that reason
most ideas are not implemented. Still, defenders bring curious
examples indicating that putting all ideas in minds of only 1% of
humans could be unwise.
At the International Congress of Mathematicians that just ended in
Korea, one of the plenary talks was given by a textile company manager
who became a host for an idea for a solution of a particularly
daunting mathematical problem, quit his job and got a university
appointment instead. Quite a story I would say!
Even more bizarre event happened just a year ago. A three year old
girl became a host for an idea of a thermonuclear reactor known as
tokamak. The girl, intelligent and willing, implemented successfully,
but lacking the ability to write or describe technical details,
decided to convey the key ingredient, the shape of the device, via a
convoluted dance with an appropriate music background. The resulting
youtube video went viral but the connection to tokamak was quite
obfuscated. Nevertheless it has launched her career, unfortunately not
as a nuclear scientist but as a video performer and her subsequent
films while widely successful and commercially profitable were
unrelated to science.

The main problem though, is that the random host selection is at odds
with practices of most funding agencies.  They  favor bald men
over women with high-pitched voice by a hundred to one ratio in spite of
both groups being roughly of the same size. And of course under no
circumstances they would support toddlers.

My second complaint is the quality. Most ideas are not stupid and they
can tell bad ideas from good ideas. The Idea Management has a different
view and they feel that it is up to the host to tell these two
apart. Easier said than done! All large organizations: military,
political, religious and governmental are just magnets for bad
ideas. They all have high ranking members with stunningly low idea
implementation records. One bad idea may take such entire  mind by
storm and if the host has high enough decision making capacity it is a
disaster in the making. It is enough to look at the history of the last century
to see this dangerous pattern.

And finally, the timing. Ideas live forever, but their utility changes
greatly. I have seen a great idea of building a fire from a single
piece of wet wood and a concoction of human waste products. It would
make a killing 10,000 years ago and be implemented hundred-fold but
today no human wants it even for a party trick because harvesting of
the necessary components is kind of embarrassing.

But enough of this whining! I got my host selected, I am jumping him
tomorrow, reveal myself in the mandated time window of 24 hours, and
hopefully implement. My host is some mathematician with initials TT
and I am a mathematical idea so for once it looks like all stars are
aligned.
You can’t imagine how happy I am! Getting a host is a really big day
in a life of an idea. I think of it as bar mitzvah but friendly ideas
indicate that many compromises lie ahead so it is more like
bris. Whatever, bite me, I am soooo excited!

On the day of my appointment I materialize at a large conference where
my host is an invited speaker and I perch on the doorframe like some
bloodthirsty tick waiting to pounce. Not a pleasant metaphor, but that
what host jumping really is. When TT is passing by I lunge
desperately aiming right between his eyes and smoothly enter his
mind.

Holy cow! This is like some frigging Iwo Jima! The place is just
packed with ideas, hostile and angry as hell and fighting for
priority. I can’t imagine how the guy is even able to
function!
I have a narrow window to implement myself and it looks
truly awful. I look around and see a bunch of really great ideas, some
of them already on the second and third implementation extension (and
these are not easy to get, mind you). I hide behind medulla oblongata
and plan my next move. The competition is formidable but perhaps there
is some chink in their armor.  Indeed, the Idea Management has its own
Freedom of Information Act that requires that ideas announce their
implementation schedule. I check it out and I see the light in the
tunnel. Seven ideas plans to reveal themselves during TT's making out session with his wife. Ha, ha, as this is going to end well! The the next thirty plan to unveil while TT is in the shower. Gimme a break, what a bunch of losers.

I look deeper and I notice a reason why TT does not show much strain
of what is going on in his mind. The respite comes from the fact that
curiously about third of the ideas that TT is hosting concern Candy
Crush. Clearly TT  thinks that Candy Crush is a game of skill rather
than dumb luck and I decide to time my unveiling at the moment
when he completes level 350, one of the hardest in the game. His mind
will be buoyed by this success and swimming in adrenaline and
seratonin. I am more or less committed, but still wonder about the
soundtrack. Most ideas prefer to have a good music when they reveal
themselves. The choices range from total cliches like opening passages
of Beethoven’s Fifth to more risky ones like “I want to fuck you like
an animal” by Nine Inch Nails  (which reportedly aided the
implementation of the idea for Crispy Creme franchise.) I settle for a
total silence, it should be great after listening to Candy Crush music
for hours.

Twenty three hours later TT conquers level 350 after a marathon
session and having spent a fortune on extra lives. He is flummoxed why
his superior knowledge of just about any branch of mathematics is of
no help in this effort but when the total silence engulfs everything I
feel his great mind gently nibbling on me. It tickles a lot and I try to
stay still as suddenly with great “harrumph” he swallows me whole and
I am set in stone for eternity. As I dissolve into nothingness I hear
angelic voices singing Implementation! Implementation! (to the tune of
Handel's Messiah) and golden letters spelling  “Partially supported by
the NSF” float into view and provide the ultimate imprimatur of
excellence.

Organ concert

Communication is the essence of life.  Unfortunately, most of it is so specialized that it comes across as something akin to white noise.  So when mathematicians finally translated language of the body it was just another brick in the pyramid of knowledge. What came as a shock was not that such “body language” exists but what is being said and for what purpose.  The first transcripts obtained just before  the International Congress of Mathematicians 2014 commenced in Seoul reveal insidious and conniving nature of these communications.

In a Korean restaurant

"What is going on? Why is He shoving it all in?” says Stomach with  agitation, "It is 3 in the morning…”
Eyes perk up, "Yep,  looks like a Korean dinner.” “Korean?” yells Left Knee, “It does not make any sense!”
"Quiet, Organs! It is a Korean restaurant because we are in Korea. Sorry for keeping you in the dark. This has been in the works for weeks,” says Brain sternly.
"Bloody travel budget. They should have  zeroed it long ago. I am not a spring chicken anymore” moans  Heart,  Brain’s confidante.
Stomach starts moaning loudly, “I can’t take it anymore. This is clearly beyond the scope of my responsibilities.” He starts contracting slightly and yells “Pancreas, Pancreas, what about you?”
Pancreas stirs as if from a deep sleep, "Mamma mia! I am still in a different time zone. Do not count on me. Can someone do something?”
"I can give Him diarrhea… That will slow Him down a bit,” answers Lower Intestine resolutely, but the Right Knee starts hollering immediately "I beg you not to. If he has to run to the john, I swear I'm gonna buckle. It was a 16 hour flight and I am so sore.”
“And it looks like a welcoming reception, diarrhea would not be cool” add Eyes, “He is here in official capacity.”
“Ok, ok,” says Lower Intestine, the most goofy organ, “just passing through then.”
“Me too, me too,” yells Left Kidney, “If He starts boozing it up I am quitting."
All of the Organs are jumpy and agitated and then Penis decides to throw a log onto the fire. “I want to get out,” he says “for a massage with a happy ending,” he concludes with his usual blunt and selfish attitude.
“Shut up, you idiot”  all the Organs yell, "you're gonna get us in real trouble."  “We will end up in North Korea,” panics Left Buttocks, who is longing not to sit anymore.
Brain finally loses patience. “Why do I have to work with such a bunch of losers?” “Can’t you just do your job and be quiet?”
All Organs cower and try to rest.

Taxation

Later that night Brain holds a whispered conversation with Heart on the side and a decision is made. An all-Organs meeting is planned for the morning. With the first rays of sun on the horizon, and still a bit spacy from the change of environment, the Organs do a mandatory roll call trying not to wake Him up.

 “Listen up, Organs!”  starts  Brain “I know that the last few years were tough, and the resource supply was flat.” Brain pauses thoughtfully and continues, “Together with Heart we came up with a new scheme for dividing crucial resources - oxygen and blood.” Organs sit quiet as mice under a broom while Brain continues, “each of you will get 90% of your allotment, and the rest will depend on your involvement with extra projects and initiatives.”
“Like what?” says Left Knee “should I shave and try to look pretty?” Organs are chuckling and there is a bit less tension in the body. “Well,” says Right Kidney, “together with Pancreas we can make Him piss green. Would that qualify for my missing 10%?”
“I can make Him piss red anytime,” says Liver sarcastically.
“Shut up, Liver” barks Brain “I've had enough of this nonsense.”
“The idea is to be collaborative and multidisciplinary,” explains Heart, “and not to freak Him out by messing up the color of his  pee.”  “We work for Him, but He is working for a higher purpose.”
“They would not send Him that far otherwise,” he makes an educated guess, "and they are bankrolling all this food that He is tormenting us with,”  Heart continues like a good bureaucrat.
“I sort of like kimchi,” grumbles Stomach. “And I love bi bim bop” adds Throat.
“Oh, be quiet” yells Brain.
Organs are stirring restlessly, “is there anything in particular that you guys have in mind?” they venture collectively.
“Plenty,” says Brain, “you name it - climate change, internet security, clean energy.”
“I am clean energy,” exclaims Penis.
“Shut up!” yell Organs. “Try some regular diet instead of testosterone,” Brain adds.
“Nobody can do a better job at what I do,” says the Left Kidney, the bravest of all Organs, “not even Right Kidney, but I am not sure about climate or internet security. Isn’t He supposed to worry about it?”
“I am glad you said that,” Brain is on the verge of his usual lecture, “are you all familiar with the term 'vertical integration’? "We are all supposed to help,” Brain mercifully cuts it short.
“How about removing booze from His bloodstream?” says Liver sourly, the most pessimistic of the bunch.
“That is just doing your job,” exclaims Brain triumphantly, “and that does not cut it anymore!”
“Then have NSA remove alcohol from Him, while I decrypt Al-Quaeda   messages,” says Liver and shrinks visibly.
“No sulking and hysterics Organs” Heart admonishes sternly, “we are in this boat together."

One body and two minds

“I am not what I used to be,” Brain admits somberly, “and this 10% tax idea is really from Him.”
“Yeah, the idiot does not even eat lunch anymore,” mumbles Stomach. “And he quit smoking,” both Lungs squeal excitedly.
“Ok, Ok” Stomach takes charge, “the bottom line is whether we can survive on 90% of the blood and oxygen supply, and for how long.”
“Not just survive but thrive,” Left Kidney jokes and this brings  up painful memories.
“Sure we can,” says Pancreas, “it is just a matter of cutting off everything else.”
“I hope you are not talking about me,” says Penis, who usually does not pay much attention to anything. “Shut up!” all of the Organs yell, as usual. “But that’s an idea,” mutters Brain until  Bladder, who was quiet until now, starts screaming. “Do not even think about it!!” he roars,  "Hey, Penis, signing His name on the snow is our coolest trick, isn’t it?"  "Whatever," says Penis who thinks better of himself.

They get quiet and ponder for a while. “Let just stop growing His hair, take a bite of some of His tasty brain cells, and lower His testosterone level” Stomach proposes constructively.
“That will make Him crazy,” both  Lungs  giggle, “and with minimal effect on our operation.”

At this resolution Organs relax and finally stop fighting. An uneasy truce gives a ray of hope for this body,  at least on a biological level.

Treasure Trove

As the correspondence below indicates, we might be at a cusp of one the greatest scientific breakthrough of this millennium. Stay tuned!

———————————————

From: Ejiro Alabi    

Dear Sir/Madam,

This letter is not intended to  cause any embarrassment but just to contact your esteem self - following the knowledge of your high repute and trustworthiness.

I am Ejiro Alabi, the eldest son of the late Minister of Science who died two years ago today. If you are conversant with world news, you would understand better, while I got your contacts through my personal research. Please, I need your assistance to make this happen and please; do not undermine it because it will also be a source of upliftment to you. You have absolutely nothing to loose in assisting us,  instead you have so much to gain.

The then head of Ministry of Science, Colonel Oputa Alabi transferred to my custody a large wooden chest containing scientific ideas that in proper hands will solve the problems of Humanity forever. You must have heard over the media reports and the Internet on the recovery of various huge sums of money being found in my country and given away through angel investing. My Father’s treasure, although related, is quite different. It is a scientific Treasure Trove obtained by multitudes of incarcerated scientists who were for years laboring in harsh conditions under my late Father's watchful eye. Let this sad truth not stop you from seeing a magnificent outcome to this end.

Please my dear, I repose great confidence in you and I hope you will not betray my confidence in you.   This arrangement is known to you and myself only. So I will deal directly with you. Please rest assured that the modalities I have resolved to finalize the entire project guarantees our safety and the successful transfer of the ideas and discoveries. So, you will be absolutely right when you say that this project is risk free and viable. If you are capable and willing to assist, contact me at once via email with  your contact details.

Also this transaction demands absolute confidentiality. On no condition must you disclose it to anybody irrespective of your relation with the person. Remember, Loose lips sink ships. I am looking forward to your urgent and positive response.

Best Regards,

Ejiro Alabi

———————————————

From: Celine Rostbraten, Government Science Foundation of America.

Dear Ejiro,

what a great news, I am burning with excitement!  I am sure that it did not escape your attention that my beloved country no longer cares much for the scientific research, particularly in the realm of mathematical and physical sciences. Things got so bad that I fear that we have no minds that could take the theories and ideas from your esteemed Father’s Treasure Trove and forge them into Humanity saving applications. Also, I might add that as a former scientist I feel uneasy about your Father’s treatment of the scientific workforce, and I have some qualms about furthering discoveries obtained by such methods. Could you please address my concerns in your forthcoming letter?

Sincerely yours,

Celine Rostbraten

———————————

From: Ejiro Alabi

Dear Celine,

you are a true scientist and your heart is in the right place!  We live in topsy-turvy world and my beloved Father was always torn between serving Science and helping the scientific community. He was a determined and strong-willed man but please rest assured that the scientists that worked under his tutelage are for the most part doing well and are happily kicking around.

I share your worry about America’s divorce from rational thinking and lack of interest in scientific discovery. It makes me very hungry to thing about it! Perhaps as a compromise you will let my scientific crack team to take care of the developments leaving sweet fruits of our labor for you to consume? What if, for a small fee, rather than give you access to the scientific Treasure Trove that my beloved Father collected, I will present you with freshly minted science of the highest caliber? Wouldn’t it be worth a few millions of american dollars?

Yours Truly,

Ejiro

———————————————

From: Celine Rostbraten

Dear Ejiro,

your generosity overwhelms me, and I am struggling for words. At a risk of being too forceful and direct let me respectfully ask you what exactly would be the deliverables that you promise so gallantly and what would be the exact cost? Part of the problem with doing research in America is that it is so dreadfully expensive. For every american dollar that goes to the scientist, postdoc or a student there are two american dollars that go to some shadowy university official whose role in the project cannot be easily explained. For that reason we are getting more and more frugal and our resources are quite limited. Furthermore I am not sure if the State Department would issue a bank draft to cover your costs. Sadly we live in a divided world.

As ever,

Celine

———————————————

From: Ejiro Alabi

Celine!

you are a tough negotiator but I would not expect any less from you. My proposition is very simple. Ten spectacular scientific breakthroughs based on my late Father's scientific Treasure Trove. Each discovery will be followed within six months by a publication in a major professional journal with considerable impact factor plus a full page research announcement in Science, Nature, or equivalent. Each discovery will acknowledge participation and support of the Government Science Foundation of America.
How does this sound? Isn’t it worth  $1M (one million) of american dollars?

Yours,

Ejiro

———————————————

From: Celine Rostbraten

Ejiro!

I cannot believe my eyes! Here in America one million american dollars does not get you far, and certainly would not bring a scientific breakthrough! You are an angel!

I see a great future ahead because I have excellent news that I am about to divulge to you. It will allow to put your team on the job as we speak and to broaden the scope of this project simultaneously. I hope that your scientific team would welcome additional challenges. 

I am so excited that I do not even know where to start, but let me just say that something  miraculous has just happened.

A week ago I went fishing with my dear fried, the youngest daughter of the late Secretary of the Treasury. We travelled to her cabin in Adirondacks and while searching for fishhooks and worms we came across a very old metal chest buried in the toolshed. After some effort we managed to open it and we found out that it contained bricks of hundred dollar bills with the total amount of exactly TEN MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS!

The money is completely off the books and we suspect that my dear friend’s late Father just fancied to have it lying around.

It is pure serendipity that now this good fortune can be used to advance the scientific ideas from your esteemed Father's scientific Treasure Trove.  The daughter of the late Secretary of the Treasury fully approves this plan since the discovery, while completely innocent, may cast an unwelcome light on her late Father's activities.

Will you be so graceful to accept 10% of this sum (ONE MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS) for the support of your scientists and to cover your personal efforts in bringing the ten forthcoming scientific breakthroughs?

I am reserving the rest of the money for scientific projects of our joint interest.

Yours forever,

Celine

———————————————

From: Ejiro Alabi

Celine dearest!

I would have never guessed that such fortuitous events can happen outside my own country! We are truly blessed and the future of Humanity is with us. I would have loved to whisper sweet nothings into your ears but the responsibility is a heavy burden with me.  

Godspeed,

Your faithful
Ejiro

Intelligent life

Since prehistorical times we have known that our planet is surrounded by about 6000 points of light. With the discovery of the telescope this number mushroomed into millions and the points of light turned out to be gigantic objects not unlike our sun. Then we started to wonder about planets, and the last decade showed us that the Universe is littered with them. These paradigm-changing discoveries are obvious in hindsight and they underscore how far we allowed ourselves to fall behind in our basic understanding of the world we live in. The next frontier is the discovery of and subsequent reaching out to intelligent life in the Universe, which if these examples are any lesson at all, must be abundant. Rather than waiting for society to provide the resources, and funding agencies to burden themselves with these issues I decided to take matters in my own hands. There really isn’t much time to spare!

For a number of years my wife and I have been harboring intelligent aliens  in our house.  The current number of them is four. The creatures are genetically quite similar  to us and are endowed with a number of features that would be the envy of most humans. These include lightening speed, ability to see in the dark, and a tail.

Below is the log of attempts to communicate with these aliens, research performed on a shoestring budget and in difficult conditions. My Individual Research Development plan, an option supplementing my ordinary work activities, is completely devoted to it.

Introduction to aliens

The four specimens that cohabitate with us were given the names Gabi, Pchlarz, Amor and Swinka.  Gabi is particularly superior specimen, and in her tiny body rests a great mind.  She possesses phenomenal leadership abilities that I unsuccessfully try to learn and emulate, and which my wife seems to have absorbed quite handsomely. Pchlarz is a tireless worker with impeccable ethics and integrity. She is the only one that leaves the headquarters and she is responsible for outreach to members of her kind and to other species as well.  Swinka is responsible for security. She combines an acute paranoia and limited intelligence that reminds me of the IT specialists at my institution.  "Fear the enemy within" seems to define her relationship with the environment. Finally Amor, the only male - sweet and friendly and utterly useless to humans and aliens alike.


Communication

Human-Alien communication is in the best interest of both sides. We have so much to offer to each other! Gabi usually comes in the middle of the night. She settles on my chest and then moves forward and plants her rear orifice firmly on my forehead. Obviously communication on a higher level requires an appropriate  receptacle and given the darkness and her advanced age she is making a smart guess. Alas, I am missing the requisite organ and this makes me wonder if I can learn anything at all. I hope that Gabi does not give up on me.

Fruits of knowledge

Aliens indicate their frustration by leaving puddles of smelly liquid here and there, an effective strategy that has rapidly made me willing to suggest a risky deal. In return for more collegial coexistence I am willing to go rogue and, like Edward Snowden, to provide them with total access to the scientific ideas of the entire country.  A few passwords away lies a cache of unparalleled value. Shortsightedness and incompetence causes humans to make only a small use of this resource and broadening access to these priceless ideas makes a great deal of sense.  Alas, reading scientific proposals  seems to have the same effect on aliens as on humans, it puts them to sleep in no time!  Despite the transformative potential of placing human science  in the paws of aliens, it is not happening just yet. I hope that when we meet with a more developed civilization we will show  more stamina and willpower!

Gourmet cooking

Even if science does not seem to get aliens shaking with excitement, the problem is of the method rather than essence. Simply put, we still have not found a good mechanism to showcase the deliverables. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to put scientific ideas on the aliens' plate and gourmet cooking turned out to be the ticket. Whether you steam a branzino, grill a chilean sea bass or fry a filet mignon, the aliens offer their undivided attention and participate with undiluted enthusiasm. Their willingness to try new things is unparalleled so long as the ingredients come from  Whole Foods. It is clear that we are getting somewhere. I marvel watching them get increasingly round and take longer naps every day.  I try to convince my wife that splurging and spending 500 bucks on Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cooking might do the trick.

Motorization

With a slow start towards the path of basic inquiry, I turned to technology. What’s more fun than riding a radio-controlled car zipping past obstacles at up to 40 mph? Or flying over rooftops in a small drone?  I immediately acquired an rc truck while putting a considerably pricier drone on my Amazon wish list for my wife to notice. I run the truck through the living room as fast as I can  making tight turns and occasionally bumping into furniture and walls. The aliens are curious but not necessarily in a good way. They seem to wish that this thing would go away, and certainly riding on top of it is not their priority. How will you fly on a drone if you have problems at this point, I wonder aloud and it only aggravates their urinary incontinence.
Only much later I get the message when I spot Swinka lying on top of an issue of New York Times and accusingly pointing to a front page article about faulty ignition switches in General Motors cars. Safety first, dummy, safety first, she signals unequivocally.

Safe landing

Aliens have an uncanny ability to always land on four feet, a skill worth acquiring. After playfully dropping them from different altitudes I feel that I am getting the hang of it. To test the new skill I make  sudden and unexpected descents while working on the roof of my house. Multiple and painful injuries resulting from these experiments remind me of the constant need for practice.
In the end, giving up on falling from the roof is not a hard decision to make and I concentrate instead on learning to land on my feet more metaphorically. Aliens seems to be at ease with their station in life while I am constantly battling setbacks and disappointments. Am I really missing a receptacle in my brain, as the aliens seem to indicate?

Biosphere

I often discuss with my wife how to make our house more alien-friendly to fully unleash their potential and facilitate better communication. I propose adding a lot of skylights that will provide a good view of the sky and may give advance warning in case of an incoming spaceship. My wife favors a small swimming pool in the library, as a larger body of water is sorely missing from their lives. For the moment we go with skylights, a choice driven by acute lack of funding.

Joys of ownership

Most humans acquire durable goods throughout their lives at a rate of about pound a day and for many this detritus is a factor that lowers their mileage. Surprisingly aliens are mostly renters and joys of ownership seem foreign to them. The main culprit appears to be the fact that they did not invent the wheel yet and their ability to carry things around is compromised.  We try to imprint the concept of the wheel by providing round toys filled with a mild stimulant, but a more novel idea would be to skip the centuries of human development and make a quick shortcut to internet shopping and instant delivery offered by Amazon Prime. This project moves forward slowly since aliens routinely allow others to use things that they do not need and this is not the way to advance in this world.
It all of course hinges on the notion of money, a concept that aliens find quite obtuse. Rather naively we have thought that demanding rent will bring these ideas to the foreground but so far they remain delinquent.

Status quo

Living alongside aliens is no big deal and it is really what nature intended. Communication and the exchange of ideas is another story. For the aliens living with us the stakes are particularly high because the accomplishments of the human race are so much on display. Learning to use technology, internet access and the ability to make credit card purchases, these are just a few of those things that can make a big difference in anybody's life. As these concepts sink in the aliens sometimes get frustrated and vomit profusely. The learning curve is steep, do not stress yourself out, I keep telling  them while mopping the floors. 

Fear of Flying

Season 4 of Game of Thrones has just ended. While we are awaiting for season 5 to begin months ahead, bootleg versions of the new episodes started to appear (see here ). Since original characters in the Game of Thrones are dropping like flies, this one introduces a whole slew of new ones.

Meeting in "Chicken and Frog"

Lady Abiraf is the eminence gris of the military complex of Seven Kingdoms.  She enters the pub for a secret meeting with Sir Werdna and Sir Sirhc, two senior Program Knights. They order pigs intestines with shots of cow's plasma, delicacies of Seven Kingdoms and the stuff that makes you come alive. "You've got to step up your game," begins Lady Abiraf referring to recent pursuits of Science for the Realm.  “Easier said than done,” answers Sir Sirhc obliquely. “There is so much to do,” he continues trying to  change the subject and looks to Sir Werdna for help. "The most fundamental scientific issue of Seven Kingdoms is a theory of flight. We have reports of three dragons of significant military utility, we use ravens for communications, and reportedly there are some rumors of the human flight,” Sir Werdna rushes in with his pitch. Lady Abiraf perks up, flight is her secret passion as she has little patience for sweaty muscle-man whacking each other with swords. “Thank God it is not number theory” she jokes. They talk for another hour chewing on the intestines and letting the plasma do its magic. “Perhaps we have to have a science agency of our own. Something devoted completely devoted to flying,” Lady Abiraf murmurs to herself.

Arya’s epiphany

After surviving for months in wilderness and killing several grownups Arya finds shelter in an abandoned cottage - not bad for a 12 year old! The villa is filled with manuscripts and soon enough Arya spends all her time on her studies. She is a voracious reader - math, physics, astronomy whatever she finds. She even reads “1010 Vision for the Science for the Realm,” and “Mathematical challenges for sustainability at the end of the first millennium.”
Within short time she develops a suspicion that her destiny is in the intellectual exploits rather than slaying people whose behavior she finds offensive. All her life she felt as if she lived in a universe conceived by an older guy  with a beer belly and finally science offers an escape. Even if her part of the world is strange, poorly crafted and inconsequential, science developed in it need not be. The reality consists of myriads of separate entities, most of them pretty dismal, and ideas seem to be the only thing that may represent a common layer.  "Particularly mathematics," she concludes following her no longer unbiased view and for the first time since the untimely deaths of the most of her family, a trace of smile appears on her face.

Site visit

The Wall is a colossal fortification which stretches for 300 miles along the northern border of the Seven Kingdoms, defending the realm from the wildlings who live beyond.  It is made of solid ice.

It is early morning and Sir Mij, the rotating Program Knight of the Science of the Realm is pacing at the base of the Wall. It is peaceful and bitterly cold. He walks towards the guard standing nearby.
“How are things?” he begins. “Oh, splendid Sir” answers the guard “Except for the channel digging,” he adds after a pause. “Channel digging?” inquires Sir Mij. “Yeah, ever since the Wall started to melt five years ago we dig channels to take the water away so everything looks neat and tidy. Nasty work really.” “The Wall is melting??” asks Sir Mij incredulously. “Oh yeah, it goes really fast” says the the guard with a peculiar sense of pride and points out at his knee-high galoshes. “Why is it melting?” asks Sir Mij getting really agitated. “I dunno,” says the guard, “It is made of ice so it melts I guess.”  Sir Mij is devastated “It has been here for 8000 years” he mumbles “what is going on?"

Transmutation woes

All-swords meeting at the Headquarters of Science for the Realm. Cersei paces back and forth in front of Program Knights. “I admit that we may have missed the boat on Black Powder” she says with visible irritation, “however, it is being developed in Cathay and it will be a while before  it becomes a problem for us.” “For now,” she continues “the main quest is transmutation.”  Program Knights shuffle nervously. As the Science for the Realm celebrates the second year, transmutation work became its only solicitation and in spite of great efforts there are no tangible results. “After the last round of PIs was impaled for the lack of progress, we do not have many new submissions” says Sir Ecurb trying to contain his short temper, “perhaps  we are being too harsh on the scientific workforce?” Cersei, whose staff consists mostly of lackeys, hates even a trace of disagreement. “Impaling is a correct response for failure,” she rules, “this is in line with procedures I developed for Sponsored Research Offices.”

An awkward pause ensues and Sir Mij fresh from his soujourn at the Wall picks this moment to bring the bad news - the Wall is melting. “Melting? Really?” sneers Cersei, “and what does it have to do with us?” Sir Mij is unfazed. “It would have helped to understand what does it mean to melt” he confronts Cersei “even if not much can be done about it." “I think we can answer this question with mathematics,” he adds hinting at a new solicitation. “Maaathematics??” Cersei is beyond herself, “these guys are one notch below dog catchers.”  This jostling continues for a while and nobody is happy. The seeds of discontent are firmly planted.

Missing dragon

Daenerys rides with Sir Sirhc to an urgent meeting with Lady Abiraf. Daenerys is despondent about her dragons. She locked two of them in the dungeon but the third one is missing.  “What kind of mother am I?” she asks indicating a peculiar interspecies bond. “I did not even name them!” she exclaims and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Her horse, a nasty and untrusting beast is spooked, and so is Sir Sirhc. He  is less direct than Jorah used to be but usually he sees many more moves ahead. “Maybe this meeting will help,” he ventures.

In short time they arrive at the military facility of some sort. Lady Abiraf greets them sitting on a camel and she waves for the show to begin. They are facing a large field littered with straw figures of knights, some holding black shields others white. “EMWF10!” yells one of the servants. There is a crushing noise and the third dragon emerges from the bushes.  His scales are bright green and he seems in top form. He flaps his wings excitedly seeing Daenerys and Lady Abiraf together.
“Crisping mode, white shields” screams the servant and the dragon takes off. Within minutes all knights holding white shields are burned to a crisp.
The dragon lands next to Daenerys and makes gurgling sounds while servants roll a barrel of broccoli mixed with kale. “He is fully vegetarian now” explains Lady Abiraf watching the dragon snacking.
Waves of pride and misery roll over Daenerys as she realizes that being a mother of dragons is a great deal more than she thought. “What does EMWF10 stand for?” “Emerging Military Workforce for 10th century, we had to name him somehow” answers Lady Abiraf. “Ooooh” moans Daenerys, jumps off her horse and runs to the nearest restroom to hide her misery.
“It is tough on her” says Sir Sirhc but Lady Abiraf’s thoughts are already elsewhere. “Do you think she would rent us the other two?” she probes “imagine them flying in formation…”

Friendly competition

Lady Abiraf funding agency gets off to a good start and it is a roaring success. Gone are two months of winter support. “All you can eat year round for three years” is the solicitation’s mouth watering promise. As if this is not enough they pledge that "No good idea is turned away” suddenly forgetting about their preoccupation with flying. In comparison Science for the Realm looks bureaucratic and narrow minded and the newcomers are exploiting this with ease.  Principal investigators from Science for the Realm are flocking to Lady Abiraf and healthy competition for the best ideas puts science and innovation forward. “All you can eat” funding mechanism is very advanced although soon enough some of the Lady Abiraf PIs are easily recognizable through their appearance and attitude.

Science and Tea

A delegation from Nippon comes for a visit and brings tea to the Seven Kingdoms. The ceremony is strange and exotic but it contains a potentially transformative idea. Tea drinking offers a pleasant alternative to scientific work and is more tailored to the upper class citizenry. Cersei seizes an opportunity to make a permanent mark on the society that science would never do. “Science is the best thing in the world, but perhaps not in this world,” she says somewhat cryptically and graciously agrees to leave the limping Science for the Realm in less able hands of her deputy, a nice and harmless fellow who remained completely invisible until now.

Cersei new task is to develop tea drinking habits for Seven Kingdoms.  It is a life changing goal and a tour de force of social engineering. She initiates procedures and rituals that shave off two afternoon hours a day from any class conscious citizen and provide a nice transition into nocturnal activities. Tea drinking, when taken seriously, is a clockwork operation where every detail matters and Cersei is just the person to make sure that it does. Burning on a stake, dismembering, and impaling await those who cannot accomplish excellence and become poor role models. In the end however, the leisure class is born and five o’clock tea time becomes an established custom in Seven Kingdoms for millennia to come.