Declining budgets, dwindling levels of support and nostalgia for the
past glory - this is the new reality facing government funding agencies.
So after getting most out of the interdisciplinary research, some agencies
embraced broadening participation as a new way to quicken the pace of
discovery. By accepting projects originating from outside the dusty
halls of academia and dramatically enlarging the reviewing community
we opened up to the collective wisdom of the entire humanity.
The panel
The scenery is simple: windowless and overheated room harboring a
proposal evaluation panel in the Government Science Agency.
The Program Commander introduces the next proposal under review. It
is titled “Roundhouse kick and the Riemann Hypothesis” and the Principal
Investigator is Chuck Norris. There is a palpable sense of excitement
among the panelists as the Program Commander guides the panel through
carefully selected questions.
"What are the mathematical credentials of the Principal Investigator?” he
begins in a voice that carries a hint of doubt.
The panelists are taken aback and rally for their hero.
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice” is the first response.
"Chuck Norris can divide by zero” adds another, while the third says with grim satisfaction
"Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.”
Lastly someone says "Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.”
Pretty strong pushback! The Program Commander takes another tack
"How about his track record?” This is another tricky question but the
panel is ready.
"When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris” comes an instant riposte.
"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs
of life,” one hears from the back of the room.
"Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only
recognizes the element of surprise” another voice cuts through the noise.
Reviewers make good points but this is not quite relevant so the Program
Commander zeroes in on details.
“How about his publications?” he asks implying a potential weakness.
The response is stunning.
"Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.”
Program Commander does not know what to make of it, so he blindly plows through with
"Ok, and what about his scholarly activities?”
"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants,” one of the reviewers points out helpfully.
The picture that emerges is pretty awesome and the Program Commander
starts getting infected with the panel’s enthusiasm.
“Do you think that the Principal Investigator has what it takes to
resolve the Riemann Hypothesis?” he asks with barely masked excitement.
"Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.”
Powerful imagery lingers in the air while another reviewer adds
"In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.“
“Holy cow!” exclaims Program Commander unable to hold his emotions any
longer. The atmosphere relaxes and someone jokes
"Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and
the butter comes straight out.”
It is time to wrap it up.
"Do you feel that the Principal Investigator can commit enough time
for this project?” is the last question.
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits,” is an answer that closes the
discussion.
Interlude in the Command Center
Somehow the Command Center gets the wind of the Chuck Norris' proposal
and this spells trouble. Command Center is a bureaucratic body whose sole
interest is in enforcement of various procedures which they generate
with insatiable enthusiasm. They start rooting in the project and
invariably find some problems. First of all the project is submitted
to the Group Discovery Program which requires a group of three not a
single person. Secondly, they detect a hint of plagiarism. Indeed, one
of the statements in the proposal is
In mathematics, the Riemann hypothesis, the idea that the Geo Riemann
(1859), and the siege of the nontrivial Riemann zeta not all the
heritage half.
This appears to be the Google-translation of the the first sentence
of Wikipedia entry on the Riemann Hypothesis. First into Maori, then to
Afrikaans, and then back into English.
Command Center will not have it. Return without Review is their stern
recommendation.
Panel debriefing in the Mathematics Unit
Program Commanders sit around the large table discussing their
options. Return without Review is a slap in the face and one of the
most obnoxious forms of interaction with the scientific community.
As if this is not enough, in the morning everybody in the Mathematics Unit
received an e-mail from Chuck Norris containing a picture of his
shoe. It is a bit puzzling until someone explains:
"What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.”
As true scientists the Program Commanders focus on mathematics. "How
do you think he is going to solve the Riemann Hypothesis?" someone asks.
"Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it,”
one of the Program Commanders responds. Zeta function
is helpless against Chuck Norris' powers! It must surrender a rogue
zero, or pledge that there aren't any. Even "Death once had a
near-Chuck Norris experience.”
This project is certain to succeed notes another
Program Commander. "If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck
Norris.” Others agree. "Chuck Norris eats lightning and shits out thunder.”
Mathematics is full of objects unwilling to reveal their crucial
properties and relations. For centuries mathematicians gently coaxed
these secrets out of them and as a result were steadily falling
behind the societal expectations. It is time for a change! Chuck
Norris and his signature roundhouse kick is the new way to get things
done!
There is more to say and discuss but it is clear what needs to be done. Program Commanders decide to defy the Command Center and fully unleash Chuck Norris - the most powerful tool of modern mathematics.
past glory - this is the new reality facing government funding agencies.
So after getting most out of the interdisciplinary research, some agencies
embraced broadening participation as a new way to quicken the pace of
discovery. By accepting projects originating from outside the dusty
halls of academia and dramatically enlarging the reviewing community
we opened up to the collective wisdom of the entire humanity.
The panel
The scenery is simple: windowless and overheated room harboring a
proposal evaluation panel in the Government Science Agency.
The Program Commander introduces the next proposal under review. It
is titled “Roundhouse kick and the Riemann Hypothesis” and the Principal
Investigator is Chuck Norris. There is a palpable sense of excitement
among the panelists as the Program Commander guides the panel through
carefully selected questions.
"What are the mathematical credentials of the Principal Investigator?” he
begins in a voice that carries a hint of doubt.
The panelists are taken aback and rally for their hero.
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice” is the first response.
"Chuck Norris can divide by zero” adds another, while the third says with grim satisfaction
"Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.”
Lastly someone says "Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.”
Pretty strong pushback! The Program Commander takes another tack
"How about his track record?” This is another tricky question but the
panel is ready.
"When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris” comes an instant riposte.
"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs
of life,” one hears from the back of the room.
"Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only
recognizes the element of surprise” another voice cuts through the noise.
Reviewers make good points but this is not quite relevant so the Program
Commander zeroes in on details.
“How about his publications?” he asks implying a potential weakness.
The response is stunning.
"Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.”
Program Commander does not know what to make of it, so he blindly plows through with
"Ok, and what about his scholarly activities?”
"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants,” one of the reviewers points out helpfully.
The picture that emerges is pretty awesome and the Program Commander
starts getting infected with the panel’s enthusiasm.
“Do you think that the Principal Investigator has what it takes to
resolve the Riemann Hypothesis?” he asks with barely masked excitement.
"Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.”
Powerful imagery lingers in the air while another reviewer adds
"In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.“
“Holy cow!” exclaims Program Commander unable to hold his emotions any
longer. The atmosphere relaxes and someone jokes
"Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and
the butter comes straight out.”
It is time to wrap it up.
"Do you feel that the Principal Investigator can commit enough time
for this project?” is the last question.
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits,” is an answer that closes the
discussion.
Interlude in the Command Center
Somehow the Command Center gets the wind of the Chuck Norris' proposal
and this spells trouble. Command Center is a bureaucratic body whose sole
interest is in enforcement of various procedures which they generate
with insatiable enthusiasm. They start rooting in the project and
invariably find some problems. First of all the project is submitted
to the Group Discovery Program which requires a group of three not a
single person. Secondly, they detect a hint of plagiarism. Indeed, one
of the statements in the proposal is
In mathematics, the Riemann hypothesis, the idea that the Geo Riemann
(1859), and the siege of the nontrivial Riemann zeta not all the
heritage half.
This appears to be the Google-translation of the the first sentence
of Wikipedia entry on the Riemann Hypothesis. First into Maori, then to
Afrikaans, and then back into English.
Command Center will not have it. Return without Review is their stern
recommendation.
Panel debriefing in the Mathematics Unit
Program Commanders sit around the large table discussing their
options. Return without Review is a slap in the face and one of the
most obnoxious forms of interaction with the scientific community.
As if this is not enough, in the morning everybody in the Mathematics Unit
received an e-mail from Chuck Norris containing a picture of his
shoe. It is a bit puzzling until someone explains:
"What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.”
As true scientists the Program Commanders focus on mathematics. "How
do you think he is going to solve the Riemann Hypothesis?" someone asks.
"Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it,”
one of the Program Commanders responds. Zeta function
is helpless against Chuck Norris' powers! It must surrender a rogue
zero, or pledge that there aren't any. Even "Death once had a
near-Chuck Norris experience.”
This project is certain to succeed notes another
Program Commander. "If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck
Norris.” Others agree. "Chuck Norris eats lightning and shits out thunder.”
Mathematics is full of objects unwilling to reveal their crucial
properties and relations. For centuries mathematicians gently coaxed
these secrets out of them and as a result were steadily falling
behind the societal expectations. It is time for a change! Chuck
Norris and his signature roundhouse kick is the new way to get things
done!
There is more to say and discuss but it is clear what needs to be done. Program Commanders decide to defy the Command Center and fully unleash Chuck Norris - the most powerful tool of modern mathematics.
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