News from the Ministry of Everything

This is a continuation of my uncle diary from here.

The spring is coming and Ministry of Everything is  active as a beehive. Here is a sampling of the  latest developments.

Oververk

I have described the concept of verk here and, what can I say,
it took the Ministry of Everything by the storm. It boosted morale and
productivity and gave a glimpse of untapped potential. More
changes were coming at a rapid pace, and the newest Party directive
finally equates verk with work, and more importantly creates
incentives for oververk. What is oververk?  Well, it is a truly
transformational phenomenon that captures the concept of overtime -
when a comrade works beyond his or her tour of duty, and simul-verk --
when a comrade does several  things at the same time. Simul-verk is
adding a much sought after multiplier when one hour of simul-verk
counts as two or possibly more hours of plain verk. Unlike
simul-verk,  for some reason, simul-work is somewhat controversial and
while many comrades try to develop the necessary skills for it, others take
ritalin to medicate themselves against it. One theory posits that
simul-work is aggressively suppressed  in early childhood because
intimidated teachers cannot keep up with simul-working children.

Within weeks of the introduction of oververk  a new breed of employee
emerged, a Constant. This is a comrade who verks constantly for  24
hours a day. Double Constants soon followed, and a Triple Constant was
rumored to make a brief and ghostly appearance in the Ministry.

A tremendous amount of wealth is created by verk and oververk and the
Party in its wisdom allowed employees to donate all of their
additional pay back to the Ministry of Everything. Since verk is a
reward in itself, all readily agreed and the sagging budget of the
Ministry was propped up by this windfall. It is expected that the future
growth of Ministry of Everything will be financed entirely by the oververk
of its employees and the embarrassing drag on societal resources
will slowly diminish.

Demise of Belphegor

Our beloved Party keeps good track of comrades' work habits and
until last year it was in the hands of a comrade who everybody
called Belphegor, after a  demon who helps people make discoveries.
Belphegor sat at the entrance to our building, mostly dozing, and
thanks to his photographic memory he recorded the comings and goings of
all employees. It was not uncommon that he would murmur "Short day at
work, comrade?" or something equally ominous, and he was always right.
Numerous rumors credited Belphegor with having a transformative
effect on the clients of the Ministry of Everything, while others
snickered about his on-the-job alcohol consumption. Overall,
Belphegor's phenomenal skill set and lack of interest in looking for a
better use for it was responsible for his popularity and put him on
par with many of the Ministry's visitors.

Belphegor was doing excellent job keeping track of work, and he was
coping well with the accounting for verk, which he did by tracking not
only the time that employees spent at work but also time they
were absent. But there was no way he could deal with oververk. He
feebly pleaded for his job, but one day he was gone and in his place
we got a thick ledger where we were supposed to record our own activity
time. The ledger had a space for initials and  columns for work, verk,
oververk and its multiplier. Suddenly the scheme become more
complicated, but soon the comrades discovered that  the entries can be
written weeks in advance  Some  took it in stride and were happy to
part with the somewhat intimidating Belphegor, but others are less
certain. In the history of the Party every purge is preceded by a
thaw, and the ledger, which according to rumors is burned when it fills
up, is too good to be true. Others argue that this is just a sign of
catching up with capitalists. In the last phase of this rotting
system, work time need not be accounted for, as low wages and
the prospect of unemployment are compelling exploited masses to work
non-stop at full capacity. Apparently, for completely different
reasons obviously, a similar phenomenon could be  present at the dawn
of communism.

Continued here.

Ministry of Everything -- mapping out the future

This is a continuation of my uncle's blog from here.

The Ministry of Everything was never at the front lines of the revolutionary effort, and the Botany Unit is fairly insulated from the daily struggles. While we believe that we will share a large piece of the final victory with other comrades, our contributions are of a strategic nature. The Party often checks up on us to make sure that what we do is somewhat useful, but it is our existence that makes capitalist pigs' lives miserable rather than any particular thing that we do. A seasoned comrade expressed it as follows: "Metaphorically, the outcome of the Ministry of Everything may not be a fish to eat for today, nor even a fishing rod to help us catch fish tomorrow; instead, the plan is to draw a map with information about where the fish are."  So we move on with our daily efforts, but lately whole months pass without a single event bearing any resemblance to a victory.  The days of stomping our enemies into the ground are over and we spend our time on this map drawing business. A small fish once in a while would have been be a welcome change and  many comrades are withering in such an environment.  What keeps us going in these trying times are thoughts of retirement.

Retirement

For capitalist pigs retirement is a heavy burden because the system is built on exploitation and a lack of respect. It is quite different in the workers' paradise. The Ministry of Everything invested a lot of lateral thinking in this subject and came up with a scheme that encapsulates the dreams of past generations. Ask any worker, farmer or scientist: what is so great about being retired? Perhaps half of them will tell you "not having to do anything" and the other half will say "not having to come to work". Now ask them what is not so good about retirement: the answers will likely be the same! The first half will say "not having to come to work" and the second half "not having to do anything." You see, not doing anything and not coming to work is just too much, but if you separate the two it is a step in the right direction!  The Ministry of Everything  was the first to forge these simple observations into retirement plans that shine a beacon for the rest of the working class.

The Barnacle and Blue Yonder

are the two primary retirement plans in our organization. The Barnacle is designed for comrades that  already gave their best years to the organization. They do not feel like working anymore but they sure do like to come to their workplace to watch their colleagues running their daily chores and socialize. To become a barnacle you need to attach yourself solidly to the vessel of your organization and at a midpoint of your anticipated career span, start reducing your level of activity so that in the end it barely hovers above zero. Barnacles are a great asset: after a few frantic years at the beginning of their careers they develop pleasant and easy-going personalities and are great advocates for a stress-free environment. Barnacles are also voracious verkers who exceed their quotas by a wide margin. Barnacles were super-productive in their early years, but not so much after the transition, and in the end it averages out to what the Party expects from all of us. Consequently,  the rest of the comrades are not punished with unreasonable expectations regarding their productivity.  Even though turning into a barnacle is a retirement, there are ample career opportunities afterwards. The Ministry of Everything has a number of positions that require no actual work, and they are all occupied by barnacles. In many cases it takes several promotions to get there.

Blue Yonder is a twin of The Barnacle and it is a retirement program that eliminates the need to come to the Ministry of Everything but provides almost unlimited opportunities for interesting and creative work.  It is designed for comrades who feel that their best years are still ahead of them but who sense that the Ministry of Everything may not be the place where they can spread their wings.  They are full of energy and ideas, but for various reasons the Ministry of Everything has never tapped into this resource.  They project their frustrations and make life hard for everybody. Blue Yonder is there to help! Successful applicants -- and nobody is really turned down -- are sent to the wild blue yonder to fend for themselves, and the bare minimum of sustenance helps them to leverage their talents.  As usual, nay sayers claim that getting Blue Yonder is no different than being fired, but this is a malicious slander spread by people who never experienced the Party vengeance reserved for those whose employment was actually terminated. No, Blue Yonder is a tough love program and its recipients usually work harder then ever before and many are happier that way.

I recently realized that I have spent  a decade in the Ministry of Everything, and have reached the midpoint of my career. Consequently, it is time to think about retiring, and both options are calling. I am very interested in becoming a barnacle and I feel that I would do a good job at it.  Not doing much work seems quite hard at first but I suspect that it becomes easier once you get the hang of it. But Blue Yonder is also tempting, and a chance to have an opportunity to play for a winning team is alluring. I was torn between these two options until a new possibility presented itself.

Kvass Party

is the resistance movement at the Ministry of Everything. It just started in the Botany Unit and it is slowly spreading around.  A senior comrade once said "Ministry of Everything's past is admirable, its present is more than magnificent; as to its future it is beyond the grasp of the most daring imagination." Unfortunately, these days this statement is hardly a reflection of reality, and Kvass Party is a rebellion  that aims to alter our organization and to right its course. At the moment, Kvass Party members enjoy deep conspiracy and are cloaked by a profound sense of irrelevance. But this is soon to change. At the first meeting we settled the issue of a secret handshake and a warning call.

Putting the Ministry of Everything on the right track is a harder problem and so far comrades have attacked it on a philosophical level.  After considerable discussion we arrived at the consensus that our situation would be greatly improved if we did more of the smart things and fewer of the stupid ones.  Most comrades had difficulty identifying smart things they could possibly do but they had a copious lists of stupid things they deal with all the time.   When my turn came I  mentioned  our weekly meetings as the most boring and futile activity. Suddenly all eyes were on me and I quickly clarified that I meant "their" meetings, and not Kvass Party meetings.
At the conclusion of the first gathering the Kvass Party members pledged to eliminate the most silly and useless things that they do on a regular basis and to keep productivity unchanged, replace them with the second most stupid thing. This slow and gradual change will build momentum for the most needed changes.

For the moment joining the Kvass Party seems like the most exciting and daring thing to do. We practice our secret handshake and plan to use a decoder ring for secret messaging.  I will report on the future Kvass Party activities as they will undoubtedly bring former glory to the Ministry of Everything.

Continued here.