This continues my uncle diary from here.
The big news is out - we are moving to a new building! Comrades are
excited and rumors are endless. Not that there is anything wrong
with our old building. Ok, it is a bit small, the paint is peeling off
and the motivational posters hanging here and there are faded, but
that is about it. Wreckers incited by the capitalist pigs are claiming
that our building is constructed from bricks made out of clay
excavated from an old uranium mine. These statements are simply false;
numerous tests done by government-appointed scientists showed once
and for all that the radiation level is a great deal lower that what
comrades on our nuclear submarines have to endure every day. And it
is definitely not true that the nomenklatura residing on the top floor
is wearing lead lined underwear. It is all nonsense; in fact we are
moving because the Party wants us elsewhere, it is as simple as that.
In the swamp
The new location is called Wolf Swamp. I have not seen any wolves
there but indeed the area is a bit soggy and galoshes come in handy.
Mosquitos, leeches and frogs are in abundance and the smell of
decomposing organic matter envelopes the surroundings and gives the
environment an exotic feeling. Our building will be constructed in
the middle of the swamp with convenient access by paddle boat in
case of rain. We all speculate about the size and shape of the
building and wonder whether it will actually have windows.
Three committees are in charge of the move. Two of them consist of
senior and seasoned Party officials who actually make all the
decisions. These committees operate in utmost secrecy and not much is
known about them except for some acronyms. The third one interacts
with rank and file comrades and in the likely scenario that something
goes wrong, it is they who will have to endure proletarian anger.
But so far everything is all right. The swamp is brimming with life
and committees are dealing with issues that have to be addressed.
These are myriad, and the one of foremost importance is
security.
Protecting assets
The Ministry of Everything is a government organization that interacts
with the citizenry quite a bit. Over the years we have discovered a
curious pattern. Within six months of their initial interaction, about
70% of our customers become quite unhappy with us. They write letters,
shout insults and with growing frequency urinate on our walls and
doorways. These symptoms usually recede within next six months, but there is a startling periodicity that we decided to address at the new
location. The perimeter fence will keep these rascals at bay by
giving the offenders strong jolts of electricity. It will also keep us
out of range of projectiles such as the tomatoes, rotten eggs and beer
bottles that these low-lifes may hurl at us. Everybody agrees that you
cannot be complacent about security: a puddle of urine today may lead
to a nuclear attack tomorrow!
If external enemies are a menace, so are those who are already inside.
And what brings dark thoughts, anxiety and anger? Solitude, isolation
and idleness. Well, our building features 375 urinals and squatting
stations, perhaps half of what is needed but far more than is
prudent to leave out of sight. The big question is - should the
Ministry of Everything have total control over these facilities or
should visitors and guests have access to them as well? The Party seems
to have the answer ready; providing outsiders with access to these
difficult to control spaces is only asking for trouble. As it stands,
there is a segment of the population that feels inclined to express their
views and opinions on a range of topics by writing them on the latrine walls. This filthy habit is difficult to eradicate and idle
minds often incorporate these subversive comments, with a detrimental
effect on productivity. So we say "No" to these malcontents and
layabouts. The Ministry of Everything will employ guards armed with
truncheons and brass knuckles to protect the walls in the latrines,
keep the undesirables out, and make sure that pleasant amenities such
as freshly cut newspaper squares are not purloined by free-loaders.
Sacrifices
The costs of securing the perimeter, guarding the latrines and
performing random checks on unsuspecting employees are a significant
drain on resources. Even though we were operating in an unsecured
environment for decades, we cannot bear the risk anymore. Most
employees of the Ministry of Everything spent years coping with fears
and anxieties, thinking of dangers lurking outside, developing ulcers
from using unsecured latrines, and hoping that today is not the day
when their luck runs out. Early retirements, heart attacks and acute
paranoia are clear markers of the sacrifices that our community was
making. The Party in its infinite wisdom decided to make some
allowances and let senior comrades set new priorities. Small
sacrifices are necessary for securing our space, and giving up our walking yard, library and nursery is really a bargain! These recommendations
of the Central Committee were applauded by most employees, although I
have to report that a few obstinate complainers were annoying
everybody by clinging to the past. The collective understands that
nursery, a walking yard and a library are pleasant to have, but the mental toughness and resourcefulness coming from not having them has a far greater value in the revolutionary struggle. We were nearly brought to tears
by the Party's willingness to discuss these issues and to turn weaker
minds around. Nursery became a particularly big issue.
Members of the Central Committee, mostly men in their 70's, seemed to
be quite puzzled as to what all the fuss was about. Nevertheless, with
fatherly patience they explained to decades-younger
inexperienced female comrades the importance of doing the right thing.
I was elated to see the principles of our system brought to bear on
the issue. Our leaders worked with persistence and I watched with
amazement as the first glimpses of comprehension about the idea of an
electric fence around our building gave way to the unanimous support.
In the final tally all junior comrades of both genders voted against
nursery as a capitalist folly compromising our security, something that would serve to divide comrades and alienate senior Party members who were past their reproductive age.
Many years separate us from the actual move and a lot of comrades
feel that they are putting their life on the line simply by coming to work
under the present security arrangements. But thanks to our leaders
there is a bright path in front of us. I know that while it may take a
decade or two, and many of us may not live that long, as a collective
we will endure and on one very distant day we will make Wolf Swamp
our new home.
Continued here.
The big news is out - we are moving to a new building! Comrades are
excited and rumors are endless. Not that there is anything wrong
with our old building. Ok, it is a bit small, the paint is peeling off
and the motivational posters hanging here and there are faded, but
that is about it. Wreckers incited by the capitalist pigs are claiming
that our building is constructed from bricks made out of clay
excavated from an old uranium mine. These statements are simply false;
numerous tests done by government-appointed scientists showed once
and for all that the radiation level is a great deal lower that what
comrades on our nuclear submarines have to endure every day. And it
is definitely not true that the nomenklatura residing on the top floor
is wearing lead lined underwear. It is all nonsense; in fact we are
moving because the Party wants us elsewhere, it is as simple as that.
In the swamp
The new location is called Wolf Swamp. I have not seen any wolves
there but indeed the area is a bit soggy and galoshes come in handy.
Mosquitos, leeches and frogs are in abundance and the smell of
decomposing organic matter envelopes the surroundings and gives the
environment an exotic feeling. Our building will be constructed in
the middle of the swamp with convenient access by paddle boat in
case of rain. We all speculate about the size and shape of the
building and wonder whether it will actually have windows.
Three committees are in charge of the move. Two of them consist of
senior and seasoned Party officials who actually make all the
decisions. These committees operate in utmost secrecy and not much is
known about them except for some acronyms. The third one interacts
with rank and file comrades and in the likely scenario that something
goes wrong, it is they who will have to endure proletarian anger.
But so far everything is all right. The swamp is brimming with life
and committees are dealing with issues that have to be addressed.
These are myriad, and the one of foremost importance is
security.
Protecting assets
The Ministry of Everything is a government organization that interacts
with the citizenry quite a bit. Over the years we have discovered a
curious pattern. Within six months of their initial interaction, about
70% of our customers become quite unhappy with us. They write letters,
shout insults and with growing frequency urinate on our walls and
doorways. These symptoms usually recede within next six months, but there is a startling periodicity that we decided to address at the new
location. The perimeter fence will keep these rascals at bay by
giving the offenders strong jolts of electricity. It will also keep us
out of range of projectiles such as the tomatoes, rotten eggs and beer
bottles that these low-lifes may hurl at us. Everybody agrees that you
cannot be complacent about security: a puddle of urine today may lead
to a nuclear attack tomorrow!
If external enemies are a menace, so are those who are already inside.
And what brings dark thoughts, anxiety and anger? Solitude, isolation
and idleness. Well, our building features 375 urinals and squatting
stations, perhaps half of what is needed but far more than is
prudent to leave out of sight. The big question is - should the
Ministry of Everything have total control over these facilities or
should visitors and guests have access to them as well? The Party seems
to have the answer ready; providing outsiders with access to these
difficult to control spaces is only asking for trouble. As it stands,
there is a segment of the population that feels inclined to express their
views and opinions on a range of topics by writing them on the latrine walls. This filthy habit is difficult to eradicate and idle
minds often incorporate these subversive comments, with a detrimental
effect on productivity. So we say "No" to these malcontents and
layabouts. The Ministry of Everything will employ guards armed with
truncheons and brass knuckles to protect the walls in the latrines,
keep the undesirables out, and make sure that pleasant amenities such
as freshly cut newspaper squares are not purloined by free-loaders.
Sacrifices
The costs of securing the perimeter, guarding the latrines and
performing random checks on unsuspecting employees are a significant
drain on resources. Even though we were operating in an unsecured
environment for decades, we cannot bear the risk anymore. Most
employees of the Ministry of Everything spent years coping with fears
and anxieties, thinking of dangers lurking outside, developing ulcers
from using unsecured latrines, and hoping that today is not the day
when their luck runs out. Early retirements, heart attacks and acute
paranoia are clear markers of the sacrifices that our community was
making. The Party in its infinite wisdom decided to make some
allowances and let senior comrades set new priorities. Small
sacrifices are necessary for securing our space, and giving up our walking yard, library and nursery is really a bargain! These recommendations
of the Central Committee were applauded by most employees, although I
have to report that a few obstinate complainers were annoying
everybody by clinging to the past. The collective understands that
nursery, a walking yard and a library are pleasant to have, but the mental toughness and resourcefulness coming from not having them has a far greater value in the revolutionary struggle. We were nearly brought to tears
by the Party's willingness to discuss these issues and to turn weaker
minds around. Nursery became a particularly big issue.
Members of the Central Committee, mostly men in their 70's, seemed to
be quite puzzled as to what all the fuss was about. Nevertheless, with
fatherly patience they explained to decades-younger
inexperienced female comrades the importance of doing the right thing.
I was elated to see the principles of our system brought to bear on
the issue. Our leaders worked with persistence and I watched with
amazement as the first glimpses of comprehension about the idea of an
electric fence around our building gave way to the unanimous support.
In the final tally all junior comrades of both genders voted against
nursery as a capitalist folly compromising our security, something that would serve to divide comrades and alienate senior Party members who were past their reproductive age.
Many years separate us from the actual move and a lot of comrades
feel that they are putting their life on the line simply by coming to work
under the present security arrangements. But thanks to our leaders
there is a bright path in front of us. I know that while it may take a
decade or two, and many of us may not live that long, as a collective
we will endure and on one very distant day we will make Wolf Swamp
our new home.
Continued here.
