iScience

Science is not what it used to be. Long gone are the days when discoveries were of interest to a significant portion of  society. Today's scientists are a fairly small group of over-achievers who flood  society with fear, anxiety and confusion, speak in tongues, and drown in their own products. The wax and wane of scientific influence was replaced by the dismissal of scientific methodology, which marked the end of the Age of Enlightenment.  Basic science is not sexy anymore and our leaders do not know how to sell it.  Nobody expected that it  will come so soon, but on December 21, 2012, a date coinciding with the end of the world in the Mayan calendar, our organization announced a new umbrella program. It is called  iSnore (which stands for Seriously Non Operational Research and Education) and it  specifically addresses scientific over productivity.   For the first time in history, we try to put a cap on the gusher of scientific output by paying scientists to take a break. iSnore incorporates older programs aiming at reducing productivity (one that entices scientists to open businesses and another that provides opportunities for endless internet chatter), and comes with several new components. iWillRest provides three months of summer support to a top scientist that pledges to  lower productivity by 50%. iGetLife provides funding for developing serious non-scientific hobbies, and iWastedSoMuchTime funds participation in life enhancing seminars aiming to put things in perspective. In spite of great interest, program iGetLaid was terminated after it was determined that it does not lower scientific productivity but instead, as discovered by the Office of Inspector General,  it  leads to the questionable use of the taxpayers' money. Of course these groundbreaking developments are only temporary fixes. Paying scientists to do nothing is not going to work on a long run when so many of them are  enjoying decent life. Furthermore, many people believe that there is nothing wrong with quality and quantity of the scientific work, but rather with the way that is its packaged and presented to  society.

Consequently, we have organized a secret workshop on the future of science and we have invited leading salesman  to advise us how to get out of this predicament. Some chose to appear incognito, which led to (false) rumors about participation by Columbian drug lords and Bernie Madoff. To get the participants focused they were asked  to write a one-page   paper describing an idea how to promote basic scientific research in a way that advances along the following five target factors:

a) triple the available funding,
b) appeal to politicians and general population alike,
c) not harm existing scientific research, and  possibly lead to new initiatives,
d) not result in obvious waste, duplication or fraud,
e) increase gender and racial diversity of science-aware population.

Lots of   papers were written, most of somewhat  questionable quality. Many participants proposed things that were either ridiculous or  impossible to implement. The winning paper was penned by the fellow who came up with the idea of selling tap water in plastic bottles. Other participants were roasting him about the source of his riches but he laughed it off by saying that he sells bottles not water. Anyway, here is his winning entry: we are still pondering whether it represents a possible path forward.

iScience - a new set of maps for those who got lost.

Language has magical powers, and some of them are  embodied in simple words. Words like interdisciplinary, international, intercontinental and interracial evoke warm feelings, give a sense of vast and peaceful space and generally amplify positive aspects.  Remove "inter" and a linguistic disaster happens immediately. Now your free associations run along the lines:

disciplinary - your colleagues in the bondage of never changing research agenda,
national - Hitler and his cronies running amok,
continental - stale croissant and undrinkable coffee in a mediocre hotel
racial - Ku Klux Klan and blood libel.

Out of over a quarter million english words listed in the Webster's dictionary there are 1181 words starting with "inter" and they  all sound good.
A close cousin of "inter" is "multi". Only 303 English words start with this prefix and the addition is  welcome. To wit, consider words such as axial, colored, polar, or verse.  Adding "multi" clearly adds some dimensionality and spice.

Unfortunately, the key scientific disciplines are lacking "inter" and "multi" prefixes, and  the dreadful associations described above abound. On the other hand, multidisciplinary and interdisciplinary sciences are leading modes of cooperation fueled by lavish infusion of funding.  This is happening even though a lot of  work sold under this label is shallow, redundant or simply  pure rubbish.

So what can we do?

Inter and multi are relative concepts and a shot of multi and a slap if inter has the power of bringing back the real science to life if only these names would stick. So I propose to redraw the map of scientific endeavors to make sagging and isolated areas come across as worthy of  these prefixes. To do this we need to create  new sciences endowed with fashionable names and in great need of input from mathematics, chemistry, biology, geology and the rest of their latin-handicapped cousins.
To start the discussion I propose to begin with the Science of Growth, Science of Prosperity, Science of Happiness, and perhaps  Big Data Science if one wants to sound sophisticated.
These are solid names infused with social relevance, promise of a better future and laid on the foundation of rational thought. In fact, these sciences already exist in a shadow form, and an official endorsement will  in a flash give us journals, academic departments and armies  of students devoted to these topics. It is anticipated that existing interdisciplinary faculty will quickly migrate to these new sciences, and without a steep learning curve, they will be soon joined by newcomers.  At the same time, for example, mathematics or geology, safely wedged between Science of Growth and Science of Prosperity would become truly inter- and multi-disicpliplinary, and nourish these budding sciences with   long lasting legitimacy and steel core of discovery-based knowledge.

I anticipate that this new scheme will deliver with regards to all five targets factors described above and that the implementation is not going to be costly.
I propose to call this new scientific layout iScience.
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(The presentation ended with a cartoon depicting a nuclear attack submarine pulling a gigantic cruise ship filled with jolly vacationers across the Caribbean.)