The Government Science Agency is a small financial organization charged with the mission of supporting scientific projects. It does its job by channeling money to academic institutions around the country in response to research proposals submitted by the scientific community. GSA has three main sections: Financial, Administrative and Scientific. Financial section is responsible for setting up the accounts and moving the money around, the Administrative section stays abreast of societal needs and keeps churning program calls and solicitations, and the Scientific section is charged with the evaluation of the incoming proposals.
Seeds of the revolt were planted several years earlier when in commemoration of the 100th anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution the GSA was to move to a new location. This widely anticipated event, commonly referred to as the Death March, was making the employees uneasy. The new building, fashioned in the state-of-art government architecture, was a bunker designed to withstand a direct hit from North Korean mid-range ballistic missile as well as a ground attack by light infantry. Unfortunately, the cost of such security enhancements forced the builders to sacrifice everything else. The building stood alone in a swampy, mosquito infested area, the offices were tiny, and bullet-proofing of the windows resulted in very little natural light getting in. So when the Death March was initiated in September 2017, and throngs of GSA employees started dragging their belongings to the new destination, it felt like being chased away from Eden. The morale was low and a month later the bills started rolling in. In no time it became obvious that the savings resulting from the move were an illusion. So the decision was made to cut the cost down. At the all-hands-on-deck meeting each of the three sections of GSA was supposed to present their cost reduction ideas.
First was Vladimir, who was pulling on his goatee, while speaking for the Financial section. His proposal was to eliminate the Scientific section alltogether, and the argument was quite compelling. While GSA gets around 35 thousand grant proposals each year, 95% of the money gets distributed among the same 150 institutions in a completely predictable fashion, with the remaining 5% sprinkled randomly on what is left. The mechanism is quite stable and does not change much from year to year. Consequently, one can circumvent the minutia of the proposal submission and review, divide up the funds among the said 150 schools, run a lottery for everybody else, and let the Administrative section help universities with figuring out the science. With the exception of the employees of the Scientific section, the speech was received with thunderous applause, and Vladimir was beaming happily while being embraced warmly by his colleagues.
Next was Ninel, the head of the Scientific section. She did not comment on Vladimir’s plan other than glaring at him murderously, but quickly went to the point: we do not need the Administrative section! The main strength of GSA is an unsolicited submission, an unprompted idea that comes from the foraging of an aimless mind. Unsolicited proposal does not respond to any specific program call concoted by the Administrative section and it does not need any such aid. In fact, she roared pounding her fists on the lectern, the Administrative section is a parasitic growth on a healthy body of the GSA! Many rounds of applause greeted this thoughtful plan as Ninel gracefully departed.
The last speaker was Ilyich who was in charge of the Administrative section. He scratched his forehead which was encompassing most of his cranial surface and started with a low whisper that appeared to be laced with obscenities. But soon enough his proposal started shaping up - off with the Financial section, he declared. The future of the GSA lies in the creation of multiple programs responding to the societal challenges, and thoughtful evaluation of them. However, funding actual proposals is an expensive option that, well, is and should remain an option. We can do a lot of good with praise, he concluded with a wicked grin, and thus the Financial section has to take a hike. Excited yelling and whistling greeted this speech, and Ilyich was pumping his fists while walking down the podium.
This total deadlock put GSA at standstill but events kept unfolding. By October of 2017 the support of the proverbial graduate student became much more costly than tending for his or her advisor and overhead rates went into triple digits. These absurdities allowed Vladimir, Ilyich and Ninel to start putting their differences aside and unite against the common enemy. Yet, GSA was fighting these corporate raiders with its hands tied by multiple layers of government regulations and so the decision was made to raise the scientific masses. In few weeks following the fateful all-hands meeting the “Scientific Manifesto” was written and mailed to the entire community. The Manifesto confirmed the obvious - ability to learn is a universal human feature and to reach the boundary between known and unknown is a trip that does not require an institution that saddles you with un-payable mortgage and demands ransom for its bloated administration from the Government. The Manifesto told the scientific masses that they are being exploited, abused and preyed upon for profit by decrepit and corrupt university system. GSA called them to unite under the banner of Science and fight along the Government for much needed changes.
The rest is history - plundered sponsored research offices, dazed and confused deans watching their fancy furniture being carted away, and the establishment of the wittnes protection program for the university officials. Ten days of mayhem that you have seen on your tv.
Was it worth it? You bet! The university system, purged of profiteers and busy-bodies, blossomed and became a choice and destination. At last, the rational thought invaded all aspects of academic life.
The Government Science Agency weathered those tumultuous times well. The new building, known as the Fortress, was vacated and the agency reclaimed her old dwellings by chasing out the new renters. Today Vladimir, Ilyich and Ninel are acting as a single person at the helm. One of the first initiatives they had when things quieted down was to issue a document describing the New Scientific Policy, a five year program of rebuilding the university system and the spirit of scientific exploration. Things are looking up even if many problems remain.
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