This is not a joke

Declining budgets, dwindling levels of support and nostalgia for the
past glory - this is the new reality facing  government funding agencies.
So after getting most out of the interdisciplinary research, some agencies
embraced broadening participation as a new way to quicken the pace of
discovery. By accepting projects originating from outside the dusty
halls of academia and dramatically enlarging the reviewing community
we opened up to the collective wisdom of the entire humanity.

The panel

The scenery is simple: windowless and overheated room harboring a
proposal evaluation panel in the Government Science Agency.
The Program Commander  introduces the next proposal under review. It
is titled “Roundhouse kick and  the Riemann Hypothesis” and the Principal
Investigator is Chuck Norris. There is a palpable sense of excitement
among the panelists as the Program Commander guides the panel through
carefully selected questions.
"What are the mathematical credentials of the Principal Investigator?” he
begins in a voice that carries a hint of doubt.
The panelists are taken aback and rally for their hero.
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice” is the first response.
"Chuck Norris can divide by zero” adds another, while the third says with grim satisfaction
"Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.”
Lastly someone says "Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.”

Pretty strong pushback! The Program Commander takes another tack
"How about his track record?” This is another tricky question but the
panel is ready.
"When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris” comes an instant riposte.
"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs
of life,” one hears from the back of the room.
"Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only
recognizes the element of surprise” another voice cuts through the noise.

Reviewers make good points but this is not quite relevant so the Program
Commander zeroes in on details.
“How about his publications?” he asks implying a potential weakness.
The response is stunning.
"Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.”
Program Commander does not know what to make of it, so he blindly plows through with
"Ok,  and what about his scholarly activities?”
"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants,”  one of the reviewers points out helpfully.

The picture that emerges is pretty awesome and the Program Commander
starts getting infected with the panel’s enthusiasm.
“Do you think that the Principal Investigator has what it takes to
resolve the Riemann Hypothesis?” he asks with barely masked excitement.
"Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.”
Powerful imagery lingers in the air  while another reviewer adds
"In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.“

“Holy cow!” exclaims Program Commander unable to hold his emotions any
longer.  The atmosphere relaxes and someone jokes
"Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and
the butter comes straight out.”

It is time to wrap it up.
"Do you feel that the Principal Investigator can commit enough time
for this project?” is the last question.
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits,” is an answer that closes the
discussion.

Interlude in the Command Center

Somehow the Command Center gets the wind of the Chuck Norris' proposal
and this spells trouble. Command Center is a bureaucratic body whose sole
interest is in enforcement of various procedures which they generate
with insatiable enthusiasm. They start rooting in the project and
invariably find some problems. First of all  the project is submitted
to the Group Discovery Program which requires a group of three not a
single person. Secondly, they detect a hint of plagiarism. Indeed, one
of the statements in the  proposal is

In mathematics, the Riemann hypothesis, the idea that the Geo Riemann
(1859), and the siege of the nontrivial Riemann zeta not all the
heritage half.

This appears to be the  Google-translation of the the first sentence
of Wikipedia entry on the Riemann Hypothesis.   First into Maori, then to
Afrikaans, and then back into English.

Command Center will not have it. Return without Review is their stern
recommendation.

Panel debriefing in the Mathematics Unit

Program Commanders sit around the large table discussing their
options. Return without Review is a slap in the face and one of the
most obnoxious forms of interaction with the scientific community.
As if this is not enough, in the morning everybody in the Mathematics Unit
received an e-mail from Chuck Norris containing a picture of his
shoe. It is a bit puzzling until someone explains:
"What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.”

As true scientists the Program Commanders focus on mathematics. "How
do you think he is going to solve the Riemann Hypothesis?" someone asks.
"Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it,”
one of the Program Commanders responds. Zeta function
is helpless against Chuck Norris' powers! It must surrender a rogue
zero, or pledge that there aren't any. Even "Death once had a
near-Chuck Norris experience.”
This project is certain to succeed notes another
Program Commander.  "If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck
Norris.”  Others agree. "Chuck Norris eats lightning and shits out thunder.”

 Mathematics is full of objects unwilling to reveal their crucial
 properties and relations. For centuries mathematicians gently coaxed
 these secrets out of them and as a result were steadily falling
 behind the societal expectations. It is time for a change!   Chuck
 Norris and his signature roundhouse kick is the new way to get things
 done!

There is more to say and discuss but it is clear what needs to be done. Program Commanders decide to defy the Command Center and fully unleash Chuck Norris - the most powerful tool of modern mathematics.

History of a certain idea

Hello, let me introduce myself - I am an idea. I am one of many, very
many in fact. The world of ideas dwells on complexity and abstraction
and is far more complicated than the physical world. Every idea needs
a live host to thrive and I am looking for a human host. Most of the
inhabitants of the world of ideas are strange and aloof and not
suitable to be hosted by humans.

In good old days the world of ideas was much bigger, there were ideas
about  ideas, ideas not agreeing with themselves and much more. It all
came crushing down when the idea of all ideas not agreeing with
themselves came along and got stuck wondering about itself. This is
when the Management of Ideas was created and since then only the
simple ideas - ones speaking about physical world - are allowed.

Some think that life of an idea is simple: we get a host, reveal
ourselves and if all goes well we get implemented. Nothing is further
from reality! Most ideas get rejected outright while some get nibbled
by the host’s mind and stay in limbo neither rejected nor
implemented. Eventually the Management of Ideas yanks them back after
some default time interval. In the end, the implementation rate is
pretty low and this leads to fair amount of bitterness. In fact some
radical ideas petition for the change of the host species but this is
just margins. The fact remains that for ideas like me, humans are the
only game in town, and implementation is the only chance for
fulfillment.

As we glean into the physical world, there is growing feeling among
ideas that some of us should be implemented and the sooner the
better. Unfortunately, the Management of Ideas operates mostly in the
crisis mode and there is not much strategic thinking on how to
gradually improve the quality of the host species, that is humans, and
ramp up the implementation rates.

Most complaints within the community of ideas center on the host
selection and quality.
First of all, the host selection. It is random and for that reason
most ideas are not implemented. Still, defenders bring curious
examples indicating that putting all ideas in minds of only 1% of
humans could be unwise.
At the International Congress of Mathematicians that just ended in
Korea, one of the plenary talks was given by a textile company manager
who became a host for an idea for a solution of a particularly
daunting mathematical problem, quit his job and got a university
appointment instead. Quite a story I would say!
Even more bizarre event happened just a year ago. A three year old
girl became a host for an idea of a thermonuclear reactor known as
tokamak. The girl, intelligent and willing, implemented successfully,
but lacking the ability to write or describe technical details,
decided to convey the key ingredient, the shape of the device, via a
convoluted dance with an appropriate music background. The resulting
youtube video went viral but the connection to tokamak was quite
obfuscated. Nevertheless it has launched her career, unfortunately not
as a nuclear scientist but as a video performer and her subsequent
films while widely successful and commercially profitable were
unrelated to science.

The main problem though, is that the random host selection is at odds
with practices of most funding agencies.  They  favor bald men
over women with high-pitched voice by a hundred to one ratio in spite of
both groups being roughly of the same size. And of course under no
circumstances they would support toddlers.

My second complaint is the quality. Most ideas are not stupid and they
can tell bad ideas from good ideas. The Idea Management has a different
view and they feel that it is up to the host to tell these two
apart. Easier said than done! All large organizations: military,
political, religious and governmental are just magnets for bad
ideas. They all have high ranking members with stunningly low idea
implementation records. One bad idea may take such entire  mind by
storm and if the host has high enough decision making capacity it is a
disaster in the making. It is enough to look at the history of the last century
to see this dangerous pattern.

And finally, the timing. Ideas live forever, but their utility changes
greatly. I have seen a great idea of building a fire from a single
piece of wet wood and a concoction of human waste products. It would
make a killing 10,000 years ago and be implemented hundred-fold but
today no human wants it even for a party trick because harvesting of
the necessary components is kind of embarrassing.

But enough of this whining! I got my host selected, I am jumping him
tomorrow, reveal myself in the mandated time window of 24 hours, and
hopefully implement. My host is some mathematician with initials TT
and I am a mathematical idea so for once it looks like all stars are
aligned.
You can’t imagine how happy I am! Getting a host is a really big day
in a life of an idea. I think of it as bar mitzvah but friendly ideas
indicate that many compromises lie ahead so it is more like
bris. Whatever, bite me, I am soooo excited!

On the day of my appointment I materialize at a large conference where
my host is an invited speaker and I perch on the doorframe like some
bloodthirsty tick waiting to pounce. Not a pleasant metaphor, but that
what host jumping really is. When TT is passing by I lunge
desperately aiming right between his eyes and smoothly enter his
mind.

Holy cow! This is like some frigging Iwo Jima! The place is just
packed with ideas, hostile and angry as hell and fighting for
priority. I can’t imagine how the guy is even able to
function!
I have a narrow window to implement myself and it looks
truly awful. I look around and see a bunch of really great ideas, some
of them already on the second and third implementation extension (and
these are not easy to get, mind you). I hide behind medulla oblongata
and plan my next move. The competition is formidable but perhaps there
is some chink in their armor.  Indeed, the Idea Management has its own
Freedom of Information Act that requires that ideas announce their
implementation schedule. I check it out and I see the light in the
tunnel. Seven ideas plans to reveal themselves during TT's making out session with his wife. Ha, ha, as this is going to end well! The the next thirty plan to unveil while TT is in the shower. Gimme a break, what a bunch of losers.

I look deeper and I notice a reason why TT does not show much strain
of what is going on in his mind. The respite comes from the fact that
curiously about third of the ideas that TT is hosting concern Candy
Crush. Clearly TT  thinks that Candy Crush is a game of skill rather
than dumb luck and I decide to time my unveiling at the moment
when he completes level 350, one of the hardest in the game. His mind
will be buoyed by this success and swimming in adrenaline and
seratonin. I am more or less committed, but still wonder about the
soundtrack. Most ideas prefer to have a good music when they reveal
themselves. The choices range from total cliches like opening passages
of Beethoven’s Fifth to more risky ones like “I want to fuck you like
an animal” by Nine Inch Nails  (which reportedly aided the
implementation of the idea for Crispy Creme franchise.) I settle for a
total silence, it should be great after listening to Candy Crush music
for hours.

Twenty three hours later TT conquers level 350 after a marathon
session and having spent a fortune on extra lives. He is flummoxed why
his superior knowledge of just about any branch of mathematics is of
no help in this effort but when the total silence engulfs everything I
feel his great mind gently nibbling on me. It tickles a lot and I try to
stay still as suddenly with great “harrumph” he swallows me whole and
I am set in stone for eternity. As I dissolve into nothingness I hear
angelic voices singing Implementation! Implementation! (to the tune of
Handel's Messiah) and golden letters spelling  “Partially supported by
the NSF” float into view and provide the ultimate imprimatur of
excellence.