Collateral benefit - a creationist perspective

Revelations from Edmund Slowdown concerning collateral benefit (reported here) took many by surprise. I started wondering if various scientific communities were aware  that collateral benefit, an explicit goal for many of them, was a great impediment to their well being. I contacted Edmund and lo and behold he came up with documents (summarized below)  that show that the mathematical community, perhaps one of the strongest generators of collateral benefit, was very much aware of the risks literally from Day One.

Brief history of mathematics

The universe as we know it was created about six thousand years ago and the need for mathematics was evident from the moment that first people showed up, that is 5774 years ago. Thus mathematics was made by the Troglodyte family: Troglodite the Wise, his wife the Wiser, and their daughter Gozka. It may come as a surprise that all of mathematical knowledge was conjured by just three people but this is one of the miracles of creation.
Numbers - natural, real, complex and quaternions, plus some that have not yet been revealed - were all thought up by Troglodyte the Wise. All of geometry was done by the Wiser, and Gozka unified the work of her parents and created the entirety of modern mathematics from Descartes onward. If you think that it is improbable, you are not alone. In fact, nearly 60  centuries later Kronecker, rather than give all due credit to the Troglodyte family, said that "God made natural numbers; all else is the work of man.” This is inaccurate, and for the record: a man made natural numbers; all else is the work of women.

The Troglodyte family had the good sense to realize that releasing all mathematics at once was not a good idea. Instead they created a secret society - Famiglia Mathematica as it was later called - that was endowed with all the knowledge and charged with releasing it for the benefit of humanity and support of their members.  And this is where the wrath of collateral benefit raised its ugly head. To meet both goals, the release of mathematics had to be done very, very slowly. Every time Familia Mathematica tried to quicken the pace there were dead bodies, mayhem, and operational loss. Pythagoras, Hypathia, Abel, and Galois are the best known examples of members of the Famiglia who tried to outpace the agreed upon schedule and suffered terribly.

It is not only Fortune 500 companies who found collateral benefit to be a threat to their business; Abraham and Moses would have agreed with them as well. Evidence of this attitude towards collateral benefit is all over the Old Testament.

The Bible contains excruciating minutia from the life of prophets and other one-percenters, but you will be hard pressed to find explicit references to the Troglodyte family and to the Famiglia Mathematica. The Bible only obliquely speaks of the creation of mathematics and the establishment of a society charged with the release of mathematical knowledge. Still, a solid confirmation can be found and it deserves a closer look.

There is much doubt whether Koheleth was indeed the king of Jerusalem, but it is clear that he was a member of the Famiglia. In the Book of Ecclesiastes he described the purpose of the Famiglia and chronicled his thoughts on their efforts.
On the creation of mathematics by the Troglodyte family he tweets "All things continue the way they have been since the beginning. What has happened will happen again; there is nothing new here on earth.”  Quite appropriately he ties mathematics with wisdom and explains the purpose of the Famiglia: "Wisdom is better when it comes with money. They both help those who are alive.”
He predicts that mathematicians will have tough times ahead when he tweets "All of their lives their work is full of pain and sorrow, and even at night their minds don't rest. This is also useless.”
He does not offer  ideas to cheer oneself up other than "Put on nice clothes and make yourself look good,” an advice often scorned by members of the Famiglia.

Overall, the Book of Ecclesiastes earned the reputation of being one of the most depressing parts of the Old Testament, and sadly the reasons might be mathematical. More than ten times Koheleth tweets complaining about “chasing the wind”. It is reasonable to assume that within the Famiglia his charge, perhaps assigned by error, had to do with fluid dynamics and turbulence. This would more than explain a cloud of depression hanging over his tweets.  Dealing with Navier-Stokes equations two millennia before the release of calculus? Ouch!

So what is known about the Famiglia Mathematica?  It is a secret society whose members recognize each other with great ease. There are no particular induction procedures, and most members know that they belong, while others are nurtured and encouraged early on. Since most of mathematics was created by two women, the Wiser and Gozka, society tries to encourage diversity and gender balance by directing their recruitment efforts predominantly to men. The operation - that is the release of knowledge - is unchanged since Troglodyte's times. The motto of the Famiglia Mathematica is Prohibe et obscure - hold back and obfuscate - and this says it all.

Some members of the Famiglia did a splendid job, the release was timely, the membership soared and the society welcomed the gifts with the share of the profits. These include Descartes, Newton, von Neumann, Wiles and even a bit hyperactive Euler.

Others became black sheep and gave the Famiglia a lot of grief. Ramanujan was the worst offender who did not bother to read the sources beyond the executive summary. It took close to a hundred years to reconstruct the original work of Troglodyte the Wise after this rascal destroyed the original scripts and replaced them with his notebooks.  Riemann is not much better, substandard exposition based on mediocre efforts resulting in diluted impact and tremendous amount of unnecessary work for others. Not to mention the snafu with the Riemann Hypothesis, a simple corollary that Gozka thought would nicely connect to various applications. Riemann got the sources by accident, glanced at them overnight, slapped together a paper to pass the exam that required a presentation on some obscure topic, and promptly forgot about the whole episode. The Famiglia is dealing with the fallout to this very day as sloppy Riemann hardly included any proofs, particularly of the Riemann Hypothesis,  and did not bother to pass the sources to someone with more gumption.

Over the centuries members of the Famiglia often quarreled about the timing of the knowledge release. The basic mantra was to follow the ebb and flow of the societal indifference towards mathematics. The Famiglia flourished in the 1600's but did not do well during the Dark Ages or at the beginning of XXI century. In time, many members were willing to accept subsistence level jobs that would give them a little time each day to release some mathematics which they claimed would make a lot of difference. Others were pointing to the consequences of holding back and keeping society in the dark. Indeed, the price of dividing by zero, a practice responsible for most human disasters, could have been in check if a better algebra package was available a few millennia earlier.  The wheel, the invention of the Wiser, who released it right away, was very helpful. But the ball bearing, a close mathematical cousin, had to wait 57 centuries to be released. For all this time the most common road accident was nicknamed “wheels coming off” and the very thought that a small royalty payment to the Famiglia could have prevented all these senseless deaths and injuries makes one’s heart bleed.

Famiglia Mathematica is mum on the subject of how much more mathematics is still left to be released. Off the record, many members indicate that there is “quite a bit” and it is “really good stuff." As Koheleth tweeted millennia ago "There is a time for everything, and everything on earth has its special season.” Well, there is consensus within the Famiglia  that time for mathematics is now, that we ought  to quicken the pace of release and that the Famiglia really has a chance to capitalize on the fact that no scientist was burned on a stake for quite some time. In fact, the fear of collateral benefit on the part of political and industrial leaders has put the humanity in a corner. Science, with mathematics in particular, might be the only way forward and out of this predicament as going back to the time of creation would be a considerable hardship. Ever pessimistic Koheleth tweets "Everything is boring, so boring that you don't even want to talk about it” but perhaps this one issue deserves a second thought.

Science of verk

This is a continuation of my uncle’s diary from here.

The tremendous success of verk and oververk is reverberating through the Ministry of Everything, so it came as a great surprise when the program was suddenly put on hold.  The culprit turned out to be a government-wide initiative know as:

Work-Life Balance

In a nutshell, WLB is a program which recognizes that an individual may do other things than work, and that this calls for some balance. WLB's main contributions are counseling sessions where comrades can discuss their troubles. Given that these opportunities were already available
to cavemen once  they learned how to build a fire and serve warm food, this is not much. Yet comrades are happy that WLB recognizes them as individuals, and for a rather naughty departure from orthodox marxism.

With verk and oververk quickly becoming a default way of getting things done, an update to WLB was needed and the labor union stepped in. Verk-Life Balance and Oververk-Life Balance had to be addressed in a serious and professional manner, even if most comrades were laughing
off any concern that there might be something unfair about these programs. The Ministry of Everything decided to employ cutting edge scientific methods in crafting these policies, and two committees were formed to deal with the issue. Here are the reports.

Logic model (executive summary)

At the outset we analyzed the concept of verk and understood it to be a mixture of work and other things. As the best approximation we assumed that these other things represent Life. Consequently, verk  is actually the embodiment of Work-Life Balance, and oververk embodies Verk-Life Balance. Over-oververk fullfils Oververk-Life Balance and so on through an infinite chain of labor practices and family-friendly policies. As long as the employee moves forward along this chain, he or she fulfills contractual obligations and is in compliance with the policies.

Quantum model (executive summary)

Work and Life, and potentially other things  are pure states in the quantum mechanical sense. On the other hand, Verk and Oververk are mixed states, and as such they  require a quantum version of Work-Life Balance. While Work-Life Balance is only an approximation of its quantum version, it is 5-sigma accurate  given the  mass of a typical employee. Furthermore, the amount of verk required to understand quantum version of WLB may be prohibitive, and purely conjecturally, actual work might be required as well.
Consequently, at the moment there is no need for a quantized version of WLB.

I can't say that these reports were well-received by the comrades, even though the recommendation was favorable.  The Logic Model was widely regarded as the work of an idiot, and the idea of using infinity to hide any semblance of common sense was viewed as deplorable. Some comrades were commenting that this is why we have a Botany Unit rather than a Logic Unit. The Party response was more muted and the memo included the phrase  “curse of dimensionality,” a term that scientists use when they are requested to build a spaceship using paper and scissors.

Quantum model also had its share of problems because committee members wanted to support the report with data. According to the theory, a mixed state, when observed, collapses to a pure state, and the committee got into a habit of watching verking comrades to document this phenomenon.  Somewhat surprisingly, as long as verkers were unaware, there was not much change. However, once they realized that they are being observed they would collapse into a state of prolonged verbal abuse. This marked the discovery of the third pure state that is neither Work nor Life, but in hindsight it was not worth the effort. “Quite different from electrons,“ commented a comrade serving on the committee and eating lunch alone in our canteen.

While these events were taking place, comrades were anxiously awaiting the chance to resume verk. The interruption, which was meant to help everybody, resulted in the possibility that, for the first time in a decade,  the Botany Unit might not make its performance quotas mandated by the Party.   It was the last moment to abandon dubious science and take matters into our hands. In the midst  of these proceedings the first signs of discontent started showing up. One day a big poster saying “We want verk!” greeted us by the entrance and soon the Ministry was embroiled in the controversy. Comrades started chanting “Verk and vine” at meetings,  and  greet each other by saying “Verkers of the world unite!” Older comrades felt like  they were back in times of revolution and class struggle. What a nonsense! Enough is enough!

Just before things got out of hand, the Party announced resumption of verk, and the doubling of the hourly quota.  This was greeted with thunderous applause and within minutes the Ministry’s building was nearly empty as everybody rushed to verk.

Continued here.

Collateral benefit

This is a transcript of a recent presentation at a secret Fortune 500 meeting (courtesy of Edmund Slowdown).

————————

There is a great deal of anxiety about the Heartbleed bug  (explained here) that, for the past two years, made 30% of the internet servers vulnerable.
A single line of code that is responsible for giving unwanted access to the server’s memory was introduced by a German Ph.D. student working on the program. It appears that it was a simple human error missed by all of the three unpaid volunteers that developed this particular software, and millions of users who opted out of examining the code. The introduction of the bug was also quietly applauded by our friends who make a living by snooping around (laughter). Nonetheless the rumor that these days the student drives a red-hot Ferrari with license plate THXNSA are largely exaggerated, it is only a used 1999 Kia with a license plate that says OOOPS.

(laughter followed by a thoughtful pause)

The public is asking how can it be that the internet security is entrusted to software that undergoes so little scrutiny? And why so many of us, Fortune 500 companies, use it anyway? And how come there are no resources to audit it and iron out the bugs?

Well, the allure of using somebody’s hard work for free is very strong and one should never look a gift horse in the mouth (a loud yiihaa is heard from Mr. Bezos).
But seriously, we will have to address these questions in due time but for now let's try to formulate our own perspective. This whole issue is connected to:

The law of unintended consequences

(the title flashes on the screen and the presentation begins in earnest) 

Regarding the most noticeable outcome, unintended consequences fall into two basic categories: collateral damage and collateral benefit.

Collateral damage is fairly well understood. In case of the Heartbleed it consists of non-functioning websites, weak security, stolen passwords and identities, and general misery of users affected by issues beyond their control. Over the years we prepared the society to accept collateral damage in case of wars, climate change and, as in this case, poorly written software. Consequently, today nobody looses sleep about it anymore and it is understood that often someone gets the raw deal.

(vigorous nodding in the audience)

So let us discuss the other topic because this is where we may be at odds with the remaining 99% of the society.

(room goes quiet and the lights go dim)

In a nutshell, collateral benefit is a silent assassin of economic growth, unpredictable and the least understood.

(words flash on the screen with "assassin" and "unpredictable" pulsating ominously) 

Collateral benefit occurs when our actions might be beneficial to society as a whole but not necessarily to us.

(the word "us" slowly balloons to mega-font size and eventually covers up the rest of the sentence, a pregnant pause follows)

Debugging software that everybody uses is certainly a good thing for most people but I do not see Mr. Ellison providing this service for Mr. Page ("It would be ok Larry" one can hear Mr. Page say, "screw you Larry" Mr. Ellison responds). In other words, how do I know that my competitor will not come up as a real winner as a result of it? Or worse, that this will not awaken some sleeping giant and my company will end up like Enron?

(heads are nervously turning around as a ghost of Ken Lay is seen floating in space)

Take research in financial mathematics; it may be beneficial for the society to understand better what is going on in financial markets. But is it better for Chase? Almost certainly not! I am more likely to be eaten by sharks than to become one.

(I am a shark! roars Mr. Dimon clearly offended by this example and the room quiets in anticipation of the storm of accusations)

The main source of collateral benefit is research and innovation, and the worst and most unpredictable kind is the basic science - aimless foraging of a curious mind.

Collateral benefit is a tidal wave that sinks too many boats!

(speaker's voice reaches crescendo at this point and the screen shows a cartoon depicting Einstein surfing a gigantic wave descending on the tiny fishing vessels with logos of Google, Amazon, Oracle and so forth)

We need to fight the plague of collateral benefit and protect ourselves against it! We need to end playing Russian roulette with the economy and stop aiding foreign competitors!

(the speaker's voice raises and he hammers each sentence like a nail into the coffin of basic science) 

We propose to use our collective might to clamp down on science and develop initiatives that will channel it in the direction of a safe and pointless inquiry!

(the slide shows the webpage of a leading funding agency littered with incomprehensible acronyms and solicitations)

We have been preparing to mothball the educational system for decades, and our nearly bankrupt university system will soon collapse under the weight of its own administration!

(on the screen one sees a gravestone saying “RIP Harvard: born: 1636, dead: not soon enough")

Our people are fully deployed and we are poised to finally put the economy on a sure footing of predictable and incremental progress!

(thunderous and long applause after which guests retreat for the banquet)

Ministry of Everything - news from the deciders

This is a continuation of my uncle's diary from here.

Just a few days ago we had a big meeting involving the leaders of the
Ministry and comrades from the Central Committee. Here is a brief
report on the key items:

Nom de plume

For decades employees of the Ministry of Everything  were signing all
documents with their last, followed by their first name. Not a
particularly inflammatory choice, but out of nowhere the Transparency
Office declared that the order is to be changed "effective
immediately."  Apparently "there are reasons" for the change, because
the first name is "easier" and "better to start with." It would all be
straightforward if not for the fact that the fine print accompanying
the order specified that some of the first names are "not simple
enough." Indeed, among our new employees some have rather exotic
names. This includes two male comrades with first names Koscibor and
Zubrzydar, and well as female comrades Kocilapcia and Darmozjada. The
instructions indicated that we ought to change these names temporarily
to Jan and Maria respectively. Kocilapcia was agreeable but Zubrzydar
claimed that the name is his own and not subject to change. Some
comrades were sympathetic but others felt that the concept at the
heart of the issue is to adopt a properly sounding nom de plume such
as Lenin or Stalin, rather than to cling to what overexcited parents
concocted decades earlier. This quickly squelched the discussion and
these days Jan and Maria account for half of our colleagues' names.

Children of the corn

As I described a long time ago, beets, potatoes and corn represent the
central focus of the Botany Unit. There is a great deal of synergy and
healthy rivalry between comrades dealing with these crops, but
occasionally some conflicts arise.
As hinted here and reported there, the Corn people got preoccupied
with the idea of adding the word "Corn" to the name of the Botany
Unit. It was a contentious and complicated issue and the Central
Committee mulled over it for a long time. The final decision was to
keep the old name  but to  request a detailed report on the role and
presence of corn in society. The point was to validate the main
claim of Corn people that corn is everywhere, that society is infused
with corn thinking and corn mentality, and that ultimately corn-based
farming will defeat capitalist pigs. A very distinguished committee
was appointed and the search for  children of  the corn commenced.
Optimists were hoping to connect with vast and distant communities
and generate synergy akin to being united with the ten lost tribes of
Israel. Pessimists anticipated homunculi and miscreants languishing in
hard-to-foresee locations, and children of the corn, as the legends
have it,  being corn worshippers of the worst order, hostile and
vengeful creatures dabbing in beet and potato sacrifice. The report
did not side with any of these views and frankly,  the finding
represented well known grievances of the corn community. The comrade
presenting the report, a friendly and eloquent chap,  began with some
brief coverage of the generalities and then delivered the only
recommendation regarding corn: "more human consumption." "From the
cradle to the grave," he added pointedly. In the brief pause after this
pronouncement,  a senior comrade chairing the Ministry committee was
overheard saying "Do they seriously want us to eat all this stuff?"
and this remark uncorked another bottle of anti-botanical sentiment.
Lively discussion ensued, led by meat and gravy lovers, another
phantasy entertained by our Ministry, but luckily we soon moved to
another topic that stirred up a lot of emotions --

Missing toilet paper

Lavatories of the Ministry of Everything are supplied with government-provided toilet paper. A mere pleasantry but much appreciated.  As a
result of battling capitalists, there is a general shortage of just
about everything and it has been noticed that toilet paper
disappears at an accelerated rate. In fact some wanton wreckers leave
small squares hanging on the doorknobs to demonstrate their
anti-social tendencies. Consequently, some comrades took to writing on
the walls of the stalls to express their frustration. During the discussion
the following options emerged:

1. remove the stall walls,
2. provide individual rations of toilet paper,
3. seize and punish toilet paper wreckers,
4. bring your own toilet paper.

The last option was quickly eliminated, even though that is what
everybody is doing anyway. Writing on the stall's walls was recognized
as a problem but some comrades noted that it is not the lack of the
toilet paper that they are writing about! (although I heard
someone mumbling that the choice of medium might not be unrelated). I
glanced at the comrade who proposed removing the stalls' walls
altogether and got a strong sense that this is  quite a pervy solution
and squatting next to him is asking for trouble. Others thought
likewise and the idea was abandoned as well. Consequently, we were
left with catching and punishing the wreckers. A perfect choice!  It
is unlikely that anybody will be ever caught but the educational value
of developing cunning, stealth and arts of evasion will be a lifetime
lesson for many. Suddenly the Party's infinite wisdom pierced the fog
shrouding my mind and I felt that a bright future lies ahead.

Continued here.