We were first and I wish we wern't. It was early morning and comrades were still not fully awake. The leadership was trying to raise the spirit with The Interantionale but our voices were feeble and tired.
The leading idea for the meeting was "One of Everything". My colleague joked that this is right - in the communist system one is plenty and two would be already too much. I am still thinking whether I should report these subversive comments to the management… Anyway, I think it is like in the poem of Mayakovsky:
The Party and Lenin are twin brothers,
when we say one, we mean the other.
One of Everything means unity and togetherness in a vague and imprecise form. It is a way of thinking that allows more important units a bigger share of the resources, and less important ones to continue making sacrifices. This way everybody feels appreciated and contributes to the common goal!
The minister and his deputy sat at the podium with a little fern between them. Fern is a beloved plant of our Party and no serious meeting can occur without one. The first half an hour were the production statistics. It was clear that we are are beating capitalist pigs left and right but as usual the complete victory is elusive. So more sacrifices have to be made, longer hours, less food and more attention to political purity.
Next we had a brief period when comrades could ask questions to our leaders. Three questions were asked and they concerned fairly peripheral aspects of our organization. Our system is based on democracy and free exchange of ideas but constant questioning of everything (that capitalists are so proud of) is only a sign of poor education. In our society, citizens already know the answers so there is no need to ask many questions!
At the end of the ceremony we saw a propaganda film about our Ministry. Comrades filmmakers did a good job… The film starts with the great battles of World War II and then shows our soldiers fighting in Korea, Vietnam, our special units building missile silos in Cuba, removing american mines from harbors of Nicaragua, and so on. There is even a short clip showing children putting sugar into a fuel tank of a big truck with the US Army logo! Good brave kids with the right revolutionary zeal! Instead of traditional Tchaikovsky soundtrack, the movie features some battle noises, and it is shot in color! Excellent job! I am sure that our Ministry will be on the minds of our citizens as a key contributor to country's welfare and a bulwark against capitalist disease. However, I still have this feeling that it is a bit of misdirection. Of course battling capitalist pigs is very important but this is not exactly what we do and our contributions are far more subtle.
Acceleration
This is an idea that came straight from the Central Committee. We are supposed to do everything just a little faster and in the end it will result in a great leap forward. Different units use different metrics so let me explain what it means for the Botany Unit. We are about growing things and this is tied up to a yearly cycle. However, three-field crop rotation is the most common of our activities so the bulk of our actions is on a three-year schedule. In addition we have somewhat experimental five-field crop rotation. Three years ago the Party felt that the victory is near and we got a lot of extra resources. Botany Unit got extra seeds, machines and so on. We worked extra hard and made good use of it, in spite of the fact that with farming it is more important that these resources come in a steady and predictable way. Anyway, at the urging of Central Committee we put some of these extra resources into the experimental five-year programs. And now this caught attention of our distinguished comrades and they suggested doing it in four instead of five years. This is a great idea in principle but in practice it does not make much sense. Things that were meant to last five years are usually difficult to do in four. However, the comrades in the central committee did not get these prestigious posts for paying attention to whining of their underlings. We have to comply and this is a simple order. As this plan is completely nonsensical from our point of view we came to a conclusion that this is a part of grand scheme that will result in an unexpected victory elsewhere. Yet we have to tell our farmers that whatever we gave them for five years has to be used in four or it will be taken away. As you can imagine, farming community is not happy about it but in the end they will toe the line. Everybody does.
Virtual farming
This is a new fad, and Botany Unit leads the way. Few years back our working groups had to include veterans, later soldiers and now they need to be partly virtual. This is all because the Party gave us new technology - each of our working units was provided with a phone! The devices look pretty ordinary but in the end they will reduce the costs, increase productivity and help with our fight against capitalism. We assign three assistants to every phone to monitor its operation and protect from damage or misuse. This is an important assignment and for the moment we are not allowed to touch these devices. This crowds our farming units and unfortunately it lowers our productivity. This is because in the end the number of comrades that are involved in each unit is generally larger than it was before but all these extra participants are not associated with the primary tasks. In addition this technology is very stable - it either works perfectly or not at all and unfortunately, the number of times that it does not work is still high. Luckily, the reasons are usually simple - mis-dialed numbers, disconnected cables or virtual farmer falling asleep. Perhaps if we were allowed to study these devices ourselves we could improve the effectiveness… I love technology, but I also like the original idea of a farming unit. Working together on a field, being able to see and talk to one another, and afterward having a simple meal together - these things are difficult to replace with technology even as sophisticated as a phone. For the most part virtual farmers send their comments in a letter and listening to their talking while we work on the field is often not very productive.
Continued here.
Continued here.
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