Since prehistorical times we have known that our planet is surrounded by about 6000 points of light. With the discovery of the telescope this number mushroomed into millions and the points of light turned out to be gigantic objects not unlike our sun. Then we started to wonder about planets, and the last decade showed us that the Universe is littered with them. These paradigm-changing discoveries are obvious in hindsight and they underscore how far we allowed ourselves to fall behind in our basic understanding of the world we live in. The next frontier is the discovery of and subsequent reaching out to intelligent life in the Universe, which if these examples are any lesson at all, must be abundant. Rather than waiting for society to provide the resources, and funding agencies to burden themselves with these issues I decided to take matters in my own hands. There really isn’t much time to spare!
For a number of years my wife and I have been harboring intelligent aliens in our house. The current number of them is four. The creatures are genetically quite similar to us and are endowed with a number of features that would be the envy of most humans. These include lightening speed, ability to see in the dark, and a tail.
Below is the log of attempts to communicate with these aliens, research performed on a shoestring budget and in difficult conditions. My Individual Research Development plan, an option supplementing my ordinary work activities, is completely devoted to it.
Introduction to aliens
The four specimens that cohabitate with us were given the names Gabi, Pchlarz, Amor and Swinka. Gabi is particularly superior specimen, and in her tiny body rests a great mind. She possesses phenomenal leadership abilities that I unsuccessfully try to learn and emulate, and which my wife seems to have absorbed quite handsomely. Pchlarz is a tireless worker with impeccable ethics and integrity. She is the only one that leaves the headquarters and she is responsible for outreach to members of her kind and to other species as well. Swinka is responsible for security. She combines an acute paranoia and limited intelligence that reminds me of the IT specialists at my institution. "Fear the enemy within" seems to define her relationship with the environment. Finally Amor, the only male - sweet and friendly and utterly useless to humans and aliens alike.
Communication
Human-Alien communication is in the best interest of both sides. We have so much to offer to each other! Gabi usually comes in the middle of the night. She settles on my chest and then moves forward and plants her rear orifice firmly on my forehead. Obviously communication on a higher level requires an appropriate receptacle and given the darkness and her advanced age she is making a smart guess. Alas, I am missing the requisite organ and this makes me wonder if I can learn anything at all. I hope that Gabi does not give up on me.
Fruits of knowledge
Aliens indicate their frustration by leaving puddles of smelly liquid here and there, an effective strategy that has rapidly made me willing to suggest a risky deal. In return for more collegial coexistence I am willing to go rogue and, like Edward Snowden, to provide them with total access to the scientific ideas of the entire country. A few passwords away lies a cache of unparalleled value. Shortsightedness and incompetence causes humans to make only a small use of this resource and broadening access to these priceless ideas makes a great deal of sense. Alas, reading scientific proposals seems to have the same effect on aliens as on humans, it puts them to sleep in no time! Despite the transformative potential of placing human science in the paws of aliens, it is not happening just yet. I hope that when we meet with a more developed civilization we will show more stamina and willpower!
Gourmet cooking
Even if science does not seem to get aliens shaking with excitement, the problem is of the method rather than essence. Simply put, we still have not found a good mechanism to showcase the deliverables. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to put scientific ideas on the aliens' plate and gourmet cooking turned out to be the ticket. Whether you steam a branzino, grill a chilean sea bass or fry a filet mignon, the aliens offer their undivided attention and participate with undiluted enthusiasm. Their willingness to try new things is unparalleled so long as the ingredients come from Whole Foods. It is clear that we are getting somewhere. I marvel watching them get increasingly round and take longer naps every day. I try to convince my wife that splurging and spending 500 bucks on Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cooking might do the trick.
Motorization
With a slow start towards the path of basic inquiry, I turned to technology. What’s more fun than riding a radio-controlled car zipping past obstacles at up to 40 mph? Or flying over rooftops in a small drone? I immediately acquired an rc truck while putting a considerably pricier drone on my Amazon wish list for my wife to notice. I run the truck through the living room as fast as I can making tight turns and occasionally bumping into furniture and walls. The aliens are curious but not necessarily in a good way. They seem to wish that this thing would go away, and certainly riding on top of it is not their priority. How will you fly on a drone if you have problems at this point, I wonder aloud and it only aggravates their urinary incontinence.
Only much later I get the message when I spot Swinka lying on top of an issue of New York Times and accusingly pointing to a front page article about faulty ignition switches in General Motors cars. Safety first, dummy, safety first, she signals unequivocally.
Safe landing
Aliens have an uncanny ability to always land on four feet, a skill worth acquiring. After playfully dropping them from different altitudes I feel that I am getting the hang of it. To test the new skill I make sudden and unexpected descents while working on the roof of my house. Multiple and painful injuries resulting from these experiments remind me of the constant need for practice.
In the end, giving up on falling from the roof is not a hard decision to make and I concentrate instead on learning to land on my feet more metaphorically. Aliens seems to be at ease with their station in life while I am constantly battling setbacks and disappointments. Am I really missing a receptacle in my brain, as the aliens seem to indicate?
Biosphere
I often discuss with my wife how to make our house more alien-friendly to fully unleash their potential and facilitate better communication. I propose adding a lot of skylights that will provide a good view of the sky and may give advance warning in case of an incoming spaceship. My wife favors a small swimming pool in the library, as a larger body of water is sorely missing from their lives. For the moment we go with skylights, a choice driven by acute lack of funding.
Joys of ownership
Most humans acquire durable goods throughout their lives at a rate of about pound a day and for many this detritus is a factor that lowers their mileage. Surprisingly aliens are mostly renters and joys of ownership seem foreign to them. The main culprit appears to be the fact that they did not invent the wheel yet and their ability to carry things around is compromised. We try to imprint the concept of the wheel by providing round toys filled with a mild stimulant, but a more novel idea would be to skip the centuries of human development and make a quick shortcut to internet shopping and instant delivery offered by Amazon Prime. This project moves forward slowly since aliens routinely allow others to use things that they do not need and this is not the way to advance in this world.
It all of course hinges on the notion of money, a concept that aliens find quite obtuse. Rather naively we have thought that demanding rent will bring these ideas to the foreground but so far they remain delinquent.
Status quo
Living alongside aliens is no big deal and it is really what nature intended. Communication and the exchange of ideas is another story. For the aliens living with us the stakes are particularly high because the accomplishments of the human race are so much on display. Learning to use technology, internet access and the ability to make credit card purchases, these are just a few of those things that can make a big difference in anybody's life. As these concepts sink in the aliens sometimes get frustrated and vomit profusely. The learning curve is steep, do not stress yourself out, I keep telling them while mopping the floors.
For a number of years my wife and I have been harboring intelligent aliens in our house. The current number of them is four. The creatures are genetically quite similar to us and are endowed with a number of features that would be the envy of most humans. These include lightening speed, ability to see in the dark, and a tail.
Below is the log of attempts to communicate with these aliens, research performed on a shoestring budget and in difficult conditions. My Individual Research Development plan, an option supplementing my ordinary work activities, is completely devoted to it.
Introduction to aliens
The four specimens that cohabitate with us were given the names Gabi, Pchlarz, Amor and Swinka. Gabi is particularly superior specimen, and in her tiny body rests a great mind. She possesses phenomenal leadership abilities that I unsuccessfully try to learn and emulate, and which my wife seems to have absorbed quite handsomely. Pchlarz is a tireless worker with impeccable ethics and integrity. She is the only one that leaves the headquarters and she is responsible for outreach to members of her kind and to other species as well. Swinka is responsible for security. She combines an acute paranoia and limited intelligence that reminds me of the IT specialists at my institution. "Fear the enemy within" seems to define her relationship with the environment. Finally Amor, the only male - sweet and friendly and utterly useless to humans and aliens alike.
Communication
Human-Alien communication is in the best interest of both sides. We have so much to offer to each other! Gabi usually comes in the middle of the night. She settles on my chest and then moves forward and plants her rear orifice firmly on my forehead. Obviously communication on a higher level requires an appropriate receptacle and given the darkness and her advanced age she is making a smart guess. Alas, I am missing the requisite organ and this makes me wonder if I can learn anything at all. I hope that Gabi does not give up on me.
Fruits of knowledge
Aliens indicate their frustration by leaving puddles of smelly liquid here and there, an effective strategy that has rapidly made me willing to suggest a risky deal. In return for more collegial coexistence I am willing to go rogue and, like Edward Snowden, to provide them with total access to the scientific ideas of the entire country. A few passwords away lies a cache of unparalleled value. Shortsightedness and incompetence causes humans to make only a small use of this resource and broadening access to these priceless ideas makes a great deal of sense. Alas, reading scientific proposals seems to have the same effect on aliens as on humans, it puts them to sleep in no time! Despite the transformative potential of placing human science in the paws of aliens, it is not happening just yet. I hope that when we meet with a more developed civilization we will show more stamina and willpower!
Gourmet cooking
Even if science does not seem to get aliens shaking with excitement, the problem is of the method rather than essence. Simply put, we still have not found a good mechanism to showcase the deliverables. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to put scientific ideas on the aliens' plate and gourmet cooking turned out to be the ticket. Whether you steam a branzino, grill a chilean sea bass or fry a filet mignon, the aliens offer their undivided attention and participate with undiluted enthusiasm. Their willingness to try new things is unparalleled so long as the ingredients come from Whole Foods. It is clear that we are getting somewhere. I marvel watching them get increasingly round and take longer naps every day. I try to convince my wife that splurging and spending 500 bucks on Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cooking might do the trick.
Motorization
With a slow start towards the path of basic inquiry, I turned to technology. What’s more fun than riding a radio-controlled car zipping past obstacles at up to 40 mph? Or flying over rooftops in a small drone? I immediately acquired an rc truck while putting a considerably pricier drone on my Amazon wish list for my wife to notice. I run the truck through the living room as fast as I can making tight turns and occasionally bumping into furniture and walls. The aliens are curious but not necessarily in a good way. They seem to wish that this thing would go away, and certainly riding on top of it is not their priority. How will you fly on a drone if you have problems at this point, I wonder aloud and it only aggravates their urinary incontinence.
Only much later I get the message when I spot Swinka lying on top of an issue of New York Times and accusingly pointing to a front page article about faulty ignition switches in General Motors cars. Safety first, dummy, safety first, she signals unequivocally.
Safe landing
Aliens have an uncanny ability to always land on four feet, a skill worth acquiring. After playfully dropping them from different altitudes I feel that I am getting the hang of it. To test the new skill I make sudden and unexpected descents while working on the roof of my house. Multiple and painful injuries resulting from these experiments remind me of the constant need for practice.
In the end, giving up on falling from the roof is not a hard decision to make and I concentrate instead on learning to land on my feet more metaphorically. Aliens seems to be at ease with their station in life while I am constantly battling setbacks and disappointments. Am I really missing a receptacle in my brain, as the aliens seem to indicate?
Biosphere
I often discuss with my wife how to make our house more alien-friendly to fully unleash their potential and facilitate better communication. I propose adding a lot of skylights that will provide a good view of the sky and may give advance warning in case of an incoming spaceship. My wife favors a small swimming pool in the library, as a larger body of water is sorely missing from their lives. For the moment we go with skylights, a choice driven by acute lack of funding.
Joys of ownership
Most humans acquire durable goods throughout their lives at a rate of about pound a day and for many this detritus is a factor that lowers their mileage. Surprisingly aliens are mostly renters and joys of ownership seem foreign to them. The main culprit appears to be the fact that they did not invent the wheel yet and their ability to carry things around is compromised. We try to imprint the concept of the wheel by providing round toys filled with a mild stimulant, but a more novel idea would be to skip the centuries of human development and make a quick shortcut to internet shopping and instant delivery offered by Amazon Prime. This project moves forward slowly since aliens routinely allow others to use things that they do not need and this is not the way to advance in this world.
It all of course hinges on the notion of money, a concept that aliens find quite obtuse. Rather naively we have thought that demanding rent will bring these ideas to the foreground but so far they remain delinquent.
Status quo
Living alongside aliens is no big deal and it is really what nature intended. Communication and the exchange of ideas is another story. For the aliens living with us the stakes are particularly high because the accomplishments of the human race are so much on display. Learning to use technology, internet access and the ability to make credit card purchases, these are just a few of those things that can make a big difference in anybody's life. As these concepts sink in the aliens sometimes get frustrated and vomit profusely. The learning curve is steep, do not stress yourself out, I keep telling them while mopping the floors.
