Depletion of the ozone layer, deforestation, climate change, pollution, species extinction - the list can go on forever. Changes to the biosphere became a dominant factor in shaping the life of humans, and consequently other species as well. At the same time, from the advances in modeling it became clear that humans might not represent the evolutionary high point. Consequently, in search for how to fix the planet we had to widen the net and reach out for help in unusual places. After the discovery of life on Mars and alien life forms in Lake Mono, decisions have been made to accept proposal submissions from non-human species. Our funding agency was selected to receive and evaluate these projects. Few were expecting anything dramatic, other than the complaints from those who are nearly extinct. Overall, the program is brand new and few know about it. The rules are the same as for humans, with an allowance for supplementary documents in species-specific communication form. Non-humans have to submit through US based institutions and the overhead is several billion percent of the budget. This covers the cost of translation from the native mode of communication to a form that is acceptable to grants.gov. There is a discount if one comes through an EPSCoR state but the costs of explaining what EPSCoR is to notoriously suspicious clients are prohibitively high. Consequently most non-human proposals come through one of our math institutes, which is eager to broaden its base. Proposals from other species usually demand non-human reviews but this is lagging behind. According to lawyers familiar with the issues the conflict of interest rules require detailed analysis of the entire Tree of Life in addition to "who eats who" on a case by case analysis. This is an unexpected boon for our fast growing mathematical biology program. Translation to human readable form is another area where a lot more research is needed. I include below my review of one of the proposals just to indicate the typical product that we have to deal with.
Proposal Title: Bees -- request help CCD
Review: This is a proposal from Bees and it concerns CCD (colony
collapse disorder). The project is only two pages long and the quality
of writing is very low. Even the title is barely comprehensible. Close
to 9,000 hours of video depicting bee dances explaining the proposal is
of little help. From what I understand, CCD is a species-threatening
syndrome which manifests itself in the disappearance of entire bee
colonies. Humans do not know what causes it and apparently bees are in
the dark as well. A lot of finger pointing ensues and bees come across
as real whiners. Without presenting real scientific evidence they have
the chutzpah to blame human pollution and excessive honey extraction
for their troubles. They request reviewing from turnips and passion
fruit, both plants exclusively pollinated by bees. Leaving aside the
fact that this is a clear conflict of interest, getting a review from
a plant species is in initial stages and requires several more years of research and development. Typically one gets half a page, most of which is complaining about climate change and dirty water, because plants are not really all that compassionate and caring. Anyway, bees are threatening to cut down on honey production and pollination efforts if stricter environmental laws are not introduced by bee populated countries. They mention flowers, sky, sun and other things that are not really relevant. They brag about honey being the only food item with infinite shelf life. Apparently, they were told that they should not worry since their species is already preserved on a DNA microarray. However, this does not seem to alleviate their concerns. Overall, a disappointing submission from a species that has a strong record of being useful.
Recommendation: Ignore
%end of review
This year we had several similar projects. One from chickens was really silly (although we are strongly discouraged to use derogatory language when discussing animal projects). They demanded clear cut definitions of free roaming, at least one hour outdoors for each chicken per day, non egg-laying days and so on. With market forces already pushing in this direction they were persuaded that this is not worth 50 years of egg production and withdrew the proposal.
Yet another unfortunate attempt came from yeast. The submitting institution is a small college in Napa Valley and the project is quite well put together. Although it is very clear that the proposal originates from wine makers, there is no mention of wine yeast at all. Instead the project focuses on their lesser comrades - the bread making variety. What follows is the usual litany of complaints. Apparently yeast hates to be in dried form - they find the drying process unpleasant and disrespectful. They like to be in "cubby" soft form, and enjoy being in the refrigerator with the other food rather than in the freezer in total darkness. They do not like Costco and are generally fearful of big containers. In exchange for abandoning the dried form, they propose to clean the Gulf of Mexico from the oil spill. This speaks of their excellent orientation in current affairs but panelists questioned their oil processing ability.
A truly fascinating project (which I did not review) came from
cockroaches. It started a long discussion and went well beyond what
our agency calls "potentially transformative". The proposal from roaches came through grants.gov. It was written in perfect English and submitted by a well-known university renowned for fiercely loyal and luxuriously paid faculty. Its microbiology department is rated as first in the country. The roaches established their track record quickly, although the very details were not easy to check. Their claimed to own controlling packets of stocks of many companies, including Terminix, SC Johnson (the manufacturer of Raid) and many others. They claim to own tankers and subs that allow them to move around with ease. This all sounded like science fiction and several reviewers started ridiculing the project and claiming that it was a rogue submission originating from humans. Maybe so, but during this discussion someone noticed that facade of the building across the street suddenly started peeling off in an unusual way and we no longer were certain who is in charge.
As for the demands - roaches ask for the sub-planet, that is total control of everything that is more than 300ft below the ground level. They are willing to make exceptions for mines, caves etc, but it is clear that they do not like us snooping around. In return they offer extraction of raw materials - gold, uranium, copper etc. The process is purely biological and the stuff accumulates in the agreed upon location. The extraction occurs simultaneously in a huge volume in a process that is completely unlike human mining. Roaches also offer sequestering of CO_2 (they seem to like the stuff and need it to grow bigger) which on face value represents a potential solution to the global warming problem. Water purification and desalinization is yet another thing that they nonchalantly throw in. Even if this is an exaggeration perpetrated by fairly disgusting insects it is clear that we should consider it seriously. The project concludes with an offer to cure several diseases and then provides a little detail that indicates profound understanding of human affairs. Apparently roaches own a patent for Viagra, having invented the stuff themselves (via human proxies). They offer to put it in public domain and distribute Viagra in our tap water just like fluoride. There are few technical details - this whole section is a one paragraph really - but basically they propose to use viruses as carriers and arrange activation based on the length of telomeres in target cells (so that people below a certain age would not be affected.) This component of the proposal resonated very strongly with our panel, which consisted mostly of middle aged men. Suddenly there was a lot of support for what one female panelist later described as a fire sale of the entire planet. While our panel recommendation is not significant, and the governing bodies of most of the countries will have to approve the deal, the very composition of these bodies leaves little doubt about the final outcome. A reviewer from former East Germany who traded in 1989 his Trabant for a BMW urged some caution. Others warned about bio-terrorism and noted that roaches can equally well distribute sex inhibitors that will wipe most of the human race; after all they need us only to turn on the tap. Alas, this was all for nothing, these warnings were drowned in the collective affirmation of oncoming sexual bliss.
The final submission was massively non-compliant and in fact incomprehensible. Our friends in the Department of Defense assured us that this is indeed a proposal but that it was submitted to grants.gov by mistake. In the end, the leading theory was that this was a submission to a non-human funding agency, run by roaches by the look of it. Apparently, promises made by roaches require the collaboration of many other species and roaches have lined up their ducks up before making their offer. It is clear that there is a new sheriff in town.
Proposal Title: Bees -- request help CCD
Review: This is a proposal from Bees and it concerns CCD (colony
collapse disorder). The project is only two pages long and the quality
of writing is very low. Even the title is barely comprehensible. Close
to 9,000 hours of video depicting bee dances explaining the proposal is
of little help. From what I understand, CCD is a species-threatening
syndrome which manifests itself in the disappearance of entire bee
colonies. Humans do not know what causes it and apparently bees are in
the dark as well. A lot of finger pointing ensues and bees come across
as real whiners. Without presenting real scientific evidence they have
the chutzpah to blame human pollution and excessive honey extraction
for their troubles. They request reviewing from turnips and passion
fruit, both plants exclusively pollinated by bees. Leaving aside the
fact that this is a clear conflict of interest, getting a review from
a plant species is in initial stages and requires several more years of research and development. Typically one gets half a page, most of which is complaining about climate change and dirty water, because plants are not really all that compassionate and caring. Anyway, bees are threatening to cut down on honey production and pollination efforts if stricter environmental laws are not introduced by bee populated countries. They mention flowers, sky, sun and other things that are not really relevant. They brag about honey being the only food item with infinite shelf life. Apparently, they were told that they should not worry since their species is already preserved on a DNA microarray. However, this does not seem to alleviate their concerns. Overall, a disappointing submission from a species that has a strong record of being useful.
Recommendation: Ignore
%end of review
This year we had several similar projects. One from chickens was really silly (although we are strongly discouraged to use derogatory language when discussing animal projects). They demanded clear cut definitions of free roaming, at least one hour outdoors for each chicken per day, non egg-laying days and so on. With market forces already pushing in this direction they were persuaded that this is not worth 50 years of egg production and withdrew the proposal.
Yet another unfortunate attempt came from yeast. The submitting institution is a small college in Napa Valley and the project is quite well put together. Although it is very clear that the proposal originates from wine makers, there is no mention of wine yeast at all. Instead the project focuses on their lesser comrades - the bread making variety. What follows is the usual litany of complaints. Apparently yeast hates to be in dried form - they find the drying process unpleasant and disrespectful. They like to be in "cubby" soft form, and enjoy being in the refrigerator with the other food rather than in the freezer in total darkness. They do not like Costco and are generally fearful of big containers. In exchange for abandoning the dried form, they propose to clean the Gulf of Mexico from the oil spill. This speaks of their excellent orientation in current affairs but panelists questioned their oil processing ability.
A truly fascinating project (which I did not review) came from
cockroaches. It started a long discussion and went well beyond what
our agency calls "potentially transformative". The proposal from roaches came through grants.gov. It was written in perfect English and submitted by a well-known university renowned for fiercely loyal and luxuriously paid faculty. Its microbiology department is rated as first in the country. The roaches established their track record quickly, although the very details were not easy to check. Their claimed to own controlling packets of stocks of many companies, including Terminix, SC Johnson (the manufacturer of Raid) and many others. They claim to own tankers and subs that allow them to move around with ease. This all sounded like science fiction and several reviewers started ridiculing the project and claiming that it was a rogue submission originating from humans. Maybe so, but during this discussion someone noticed that facade of the building across the street suddenly started peeling off in an unusual way and we no longer were certain who is in charge.
As for the demands - roaches ask for the sub-planet, that is total control of everything that is more than 300ft below the ground level. They are willing to make exceptions for mines, caves etc, but it is clear that they do not like us snooping around. In return they offer extraction of raw materials - gold, uranium, copper etc. The process is purely biological and the stuff accumulates in the agreed upon location. The extraction occurs simultaneously in a huge volume in a process that is completely unlike human mining. Roaches also offer sequestering of CO_2 (they seem to like the stuff and need it to grow bigger) which on face value represents a potential solution to the global warming problem. Water purification and desalinization is yet another thing that they nonchalantly throw in. Even if this is an exaggeration perpetrated by fairly disgusting insects it is clear that we should consider it seriously. The project concludes with an offer to cure several diseases and then provides a little detail that indicates profound understanding of human affairs. Apparently roaches own a patent for Viagra, having invented the stuff themselves (via human proxies). They offer to put it in public domain and distribute Viagra in our tap water just like fluoride. There are few technical details - this whole section is a one paragraph really - but basically they propose to use viruses as carriers and arrange activation based on the length of telomeres in target cells (so that people below a certain age would not be affected.) This component of the proposal resonated very strongly with our panel, which consisted mostly of middle aged men. Suddenly there was a lot of support for what one female panelist later described as a fire sale of the entire planet. While our panel recommendation is not significant, and the governing bodies of most of the countries will have to approve the deal, the very composition of these bodies leaves little doubt about the final outcome. A reviewer from former East Germany who traded in 1989 his Trabant for a BMW urged some caution. Others warned about bio-terrorism and noted that roaches can equally well distribute sex inhibitors that will wipe most of the human race; after all they need us only to turn on the tap. Alas, this was all for nothing, these warnings were drowned in the collective affirmation of oncoming sexual bliss.
The final submission was massively non-compliant and in fact incomprehensible. Our friends in the Department of Defense assured us that this is indeed a proposal but that it was submitted to grants.gov by mistake. In the end, the leading theory was that this was a submission to a non-human funding agency, run by roaches by the look of it. Apparently, promises made by roaches require the collaboration of many other species and roaches have lined up their ducks up before making their offer. It is clear that there is a new sheriff in town.
